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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's "small" wedding

262 replies

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

OP posts:
YayPizzaFriday · 03/06/2023 14:29

She can have whatever type of wedding she and her partner want.
Your choice of wedding is just that.

I was bridesmaid at friends wedding and when I was arranging mine there was an expectation from her and her daughters that they would all be bridesmaids.
It was a biggish wedding but I didn’t want all that traditional stuff. I asked my one witness to buy something black that she liked so she could wear it again.

We didn’t buy presents ( is that mean, I don’t know, again it’s all got a bit too much these days ).

It’s unfair to expect others to do things the way you did and unfair tbh to even be included. There’s no requirement for pay back.

HellfireClubSandwich · 03/06/2023 14:30

The responses on this thread are peak Mumsnet nastiness.

The OP accepted she was being unreasonable and people still putting the boot in with horrible responses to her some kind of weird thrill.

Honestly, this place is the pits sometimes.

willWillSmithsmith · 03/06/2023 14:34

Really? You’re an adult (not a toddler) and you’re upset that you’re not a (married) bridesmaid because she’s having a low key wedding? To use that much loved MN phrase, give your head a wobble.

BlibBlabBlob · 03/06/2023 14:34

Jeez it's not like she's picked someone OTHER than you to be the bridesmaid... that would be understandably upsetting. She's just not having bridesmaids at all? Absolutely fine! Assuming you're actually going to the wedding, you can still technically be her MoH/bridesmaid anyway... it doesn't have to involve spending any money? You wear whatever you want, you support her on the day - that's what matters. We had a ridiculously small wedding and I only had one friend (my best friend) there. I thought of her as my MoH or whatever and so did she, we just skipped all the performative expensive nonsense. What mattered was that she was there with me.

thecatsthecats · 03/06/2023 14:40

Clarinet1 · 03/06/2023 13:14

Slightly off-topic, but my understanding was always that bridesmaids were unmarried. The clue is in the old sense of the word “maid”.

Were is the keyword in that sentence.

It was done away with like other dumb and meaningless traditions in favour of free choice.

ZiriForEver · 03/06/2023 14:45

I have one theory. It sounds like you kind over did the bridesmaids thing and related expenses. Setting a standard which not everyone is willing to reciprocate.

So it might be easier now to say "no bridesmaids" than "would be nice to have you as a bridesmaid, but I won't be providing any specific dresses and so on, just come in whatever is comfortable for you".

MariaVT65 · 03/06/2023 14:46

YABU. Perfectly acceptable not to have any bridesmaids, regardless of how close your friends are.

My best friend just had a registry office wedding and a pub gathering afterwards. She didn’t have any bridesmaids. Instead she made me her witness.

2 years later I still had her as my bridesmaid and couldn’t give less of a f**k that she didn’t have any bridesmaids.

Ewock · 03/06/2023 14:46

You need to get over yourself. This is not your wedding. Your friend can do whatever she wants for her wedding. You decided you wanted bridesmaids and spend the amount you did, this does not mean she is beholden to you and has to do the same in return. How selfish and utterly entitled are you?

airey · 03/06/2023 14:50

hmm, this kind of happened to me, but the other way around..

my friend had a BIG white wedding, 4 bridesmaids plus me as the maid of honour. She spent soooo much, but expected me to do the same (hen do etc)

She paid £100's for our bridesmaids dresses but when mine didn't fit, I had to pay £120 to get it altered (it had a bloody train!). I was skint at the time and not impressed.

When I got married the following year, I had a simple, homemade wedding with no formal bridesmaids. I didn't ask anyone to spend anything (my hen do cost £30 each) and we didn't have a wedding gift list either. We had a free bar of wine & beer and just wanted everyone to have a good time.

I really dislike entitled brides. It's just a wedding for gods sake, there are FAR more important things going on in the world and things are very tight for a lot of people right now.

Appreciate the fact you get to be involved in her wedding, enjoy it for what it is, and chill out with the 'you owe me' attitude.... which will NOT serve you well in life!!

maddiemookins16mum · 03/06/2023 14:57

Blimey, are you old enough to be married.

Successstory82 · 03/06/2023 14:57

Egyptcalling · 03/06/2023 13:55

The exact same happened when I got married to DH. My best friend threw a strop because I was her bridesmaid at her wedding, whereas I had a small informal wedding with no bridesmaids. She also threw a strop because I didn’t have a hen do.

Don’t make her wedding about you

And… what happened?

Successstory82 · 03/06/2023 15:00

@IsThereAnEchoInHere

can you link to that thread

because I suggest there is a very different picture to it than you suggest

(you won’t though)

Onelifeonly · 03/06/2023 15:01

You are not wrong to be upset. Your feelings are your feelings and you expected she would have bridesmaids at her wedding so you wrre blindsided by her comments.

However, you need to deal with your feelings yourself. What she does for her wedding is solely up to her and her husband to be. You can expect her to stick to something she said as a girl, even her wedding was just a future idea, not a reality. You certainly can't expect her to have a similar wedding to yours, with similar arrangements.

I was bridesmaid to my longstanding best friend, but she wasn't one of mine as I had two family members I wanted to take that role and two was enough for me. She did have a role in the wedding service though - doing a reading. Maybe your friend will want you to play a special part in hers, but you'll have to wait and see.

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 03/06/2023 15:02

I don’t understand how your wedding has any baring on how she has hers. Over the years people go to lots of weddings and can be bridesmaid to more than one person. Do you think if she was asked to be bridesmaid at, say, 5 weddings, then she should have all 5 as bridesmaids at her wedding?
Friendship should be reciprocal, but not for occasions like a wedding. People have different ideas of what their wedding day should be like. A small wedding is not a snub towards you, it’s just people have different priorities and wants, and other relationships/friendships beyond you. I’m glad you realise you were being unreasonable.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/06/2023 15:05

Enko · 03/06/2023 12:53

You are not unreasonable to be disappointed and your friend could have considered how she worded it to you if you have said often about being each others bridesmaid.

However your friend is also not unreasonable to want to do her wedding her way.

Your friend was a bit tactless and you feel hurt. If she is a close friend I'd allow this one yo pass and just acknowledge to yourself you feel hurt.

I don't think the friend was tactless at all I suspect she is glad she has got this conversation over and done with this early bearing in mind how OP has reacted.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/06/2023 15:06

This is a prime example of why I loathe big weddings.

They bring out the most unhinged behaviour in adults.

No one is under any obligation to have any kind of wedding. The whole point of a wedding is that it’s personal to the bride and groom. Having to have bridesmaids as some kind of quid pro quo because your mate did it is like insisting your friend has the same birthday present as you did.

SophieJo · 03/06/2023 15:08

You are being vu and sound very entitled.

Wfhandbored · 03/06/2023 15:11

Small weddings can cost absolutely sod all. Mine so far is costing 1.5k inclusive of everything but my dress. And that's my own choice to pay what I want on that, but the rest we've cut costs as much as we can because we have loads of other stuff to spend on at home etc. let people have their weddings as they want them.

Namechangeed · 03/06/2023 15:12

Noone forced you to spend so much. That was your decision

SchoolShenanigans · 03/06/2023 15:13

You didn't spend lots of money on your friend for her, you spent it for you. For your pictures to look good and for them to fit with your theme.

It's so shallow.

She has the smarts not to waste money on things that don't matter. Good on her. I hope she has a fab wedding.

wingingit1987 · 03/06/2023 15:18

My friend has made me MOH at her wedding. It’s a huge wedding- 5 bridesmaids, 5 best men/ushers etc. 300+ guests.

my wedding was literally just me and my husband. We eloped to Gretna and hired witnesses.

she doesn’t care- she is having her dream wedding and I had mine.

Shhhquirrel · 03/06/2023 15:18

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:51

Looks like I'm being unreasonable then - but I don't think there's a need for the harsh responses

You’re new to MN aren’t you? 😂

Flyinggeesei234 · 03/06/2023 15:20

100%!

Endlesssummer2022 · 03/06/2023 15:21

If you spent more than you can afford, and now resent it, and her for not wanting to waste her money like you did, then more fool you. She sounds sensible.

I was at a lovely hotel for a spa break recently with DH. There was also a wedding at the hotel. I know there is no way they would have had change out of £20-£30k. At breakfast the next morning, you could see they were not wealthy people and would probably be paying for that one day for many years to come. Madness for one night and some nice Insta pictures.

Batalax · 03/06/2023 15:21

She probably realised that you spent a lot of money on just one day and that she would rather spend her money in a different way, because to her it just wasn’t worth it. No reflection on what you did, it’s just not for her.