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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's "small" wedding

262 replies

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 03/06/2023 12:52

Unless you're the one marrying her you're being ridiculous and have absolutely no say in what she does or does not do for her own wedding.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 03/06/2023 12:53

Being bridesmaid is not a reciprocal arrangement.
Her and her Fiancé choose the day they would like and feel comfortable around, just as you did and Frankly your view is immature

BlueVinca · 03/06/2023 12:53

If she wasn't inviting you, you'd know you weren't considered a close friend but you've said you think you'll be invited so that's fine. She considers you a close friend. She doesn't have to have bridesmaids

Selfesteem23 · 03/06/2023 12:53

Her wedding, her choice. You may feel disappointed personally in something you felt was to happen. You can’t dictate other peoples weddings and spending choices just cos you spent a lot on your bridesmaids. That was your choice.

Successstory82 · 03/06/2023 12:53

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:51

Looks like I'm being unreasonable then - but I don't think there's a need for the harsh responses

It’s unfathomable to most of us to be peed off at this.

and quite telling that you are 🤷‍♀️

Enko · 03/06/2023 12:53

You are not unreasonable to be disappointed and your friend could have considered how she worded it to you if you have said often about being each others bridesmaid.

However your friend is also not unreasonable to want to do her wedding her way.

Your friend was a bit tactless and you feel hurt. If she is a close friend I'd allow this one yo pass and just acknowledge to yourself you feel hurt.

HoIIy · 03/06/2023 12:54

Your friend can get married however she likes, you have no right to be hurt by any of her choices.

Createausername1970 · 03/06/2023 12:54

Sorry you feel deflated, but it is her wedding and her choice.

I got married later in life, but to someone I was with for about 15 years beforehand. One of the reasons we didn't get married earlier was that I didn't want the fuss of a wedding day, but didn't want to just elope and then have people mithering at me afterwards or knowing I had inadvertently upset people I do care about.

So it's not a reflection on what she thinks about you at all. Don't make it that way.

Original poster
Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:54

@Enko thank you for at least seeing my point of view even if it is unreasonable!!

I think it's the fact she mentioned the cost of bridesmaid as if highlighting how much I spent - she didn't need to say that

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 03/06/2023 12:55

It's possible to have a bridesmaid without spending vast amounts on them?

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 13:03

Being a bridesmaid is not a reciprocal requirement for their wedding and given how much you paid, it’s probably put her off. It’s likely she thinks it looks better to say no bridesmaids at all than to worry about causing upset by choosing one or two.

Some people also prefer to spend the same amount on a small wedding that is exactly what they want than stretching it to accommodate a lot more guests. Others prefer to spend as little as possible because they either don’t have the money to spend or have other preferences to use it on.

Successstory82 · 03/06/2023 13:05

I think it's the fact she mentioned the cost of bridesmaid as if highlighting how much I spent - she didn't need to say that

good grief your husband must spend his life walking on egg shells

StonwEd · 03/06/2023 13:07

I don’t think your friend has done anything wrong at all! I really laughed when I read this, soz but it’s just so mad that you even think this?!
Her wedding sounds wonderful, in fact it sounds very like a relative’s upcoming wedding 🤔 so much so I wonder if you’re the bride’s friend

LadyKenya · 03/06/2023 13:08

Maybe she has seen from attending other peoples weddings, some of the pitfalls of overspending, and wishes to not do the same for her own wedding.

Notellinganyone · 03/06/2023 13:08

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:49

@LittleRedYarny not a reverse. I don't know why it's wrong to be upset at not being the bridesmaid?

Because you sound like a sulky teenager.

ActDottie · 03/06/2023 13:09

NatureNurture85 · 03/06/2023 12:46

You did what you want; she does what she wants.

This.

BlueKaftan · 03/06/2023 13:09

Do you feel judged by her for how you organised your wedding, because she isn’t doing hers the same?

Growlybear83 · 03/06/2023 13:09

Maybe it's not an issue of the cost of having a small wedding vs a large one. Perhaps your friend just wants to have a small and intimate celebration? Her wishes for the day are the most important thing and she shouldn't be pressured into doing anything that she doesn't want to do. Personally, nothing would have horrified me more than a huge wedding. We aren't religious so had a register office ceremony with about 20 people present, no bridesmaids, and no traditional wedding dress, and then had a reception for about 50 people upstairs at our local pub. Our mothers did all the catering, my brother paid for the wine and beer, and we played tapes of heavy metal music that we'd made for the duration of the reception. It was by far the best wedding I've ever been to 😆😆

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/06/2023 13:13

I think you're ok to feel disappointed that you won't be her bridesmaid but I think anything more is unreasonable - she's/they're just planning the wedding day she/they want just like you did. I get the disappointment if it's something you've talked about growing up but what you "plan" as a child and teen is very different to what you finally decide you'd like when it comes to it.

WandaWonder · 03/06/2023 13:13

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:54

@Enko thank you for at least seeing my point of view even if it is unreasonable!!

I think it's the fact she mentioned the cost of bridesmaid as if highlighting how much I spent - she didn't need to say that

Were you forced to spend alot?

Womencanlift · 03/06/2023 13:13

Bridezilla’s are bad enough but can’t believe we have moved onto Bridesmaidzilla’s

OP as I am guessing you know now you are unreasonable (and a little bit of a CF)

Even in the last year prices have went up so much so just because you could afford a wedding with bridesmaids. Maybe she can’t or maybe she just wants to prioritise her finances on her marriage and not a one day wedding

Clarinet1 · 03/06/2023 13:14

Slightly off-topic, but my understanding was always that bridesmaids were unmarried. The clue is in the old sense of the word “maid”.

TheSnowyOwl · 03/06/2023 13:15

Clarinet1 · 03/06/2023 13:14

Slightly off-topic, but my understanding was always that bridesmaids were unmarried. The clue is in the old sense of the word “maid”.

I expect the OP really wanted the Maid of Honour position.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 03/06/2023 13:17

Firstly, small weddings don’t cost as much if you don’t want them to. Arguing she may as well have a big one because it’ll cost the same, is nutso.

And expecting her to have a bigger wedding because you wanted to be bought a nice bridesmaid dress and hair and make up, and feel like the supporting and special centre of attention for the day is so immature. Though I know you’ve conceded that.

MumblesParty · 03/06/2023 13:17

OP I think it would be OK to be upset if she was having bridesmaids but not you. But if she’s not having bridesmaids then that’s just her preference.

I’ve been a bridesmaid twice, many years ago, but I’m now in my 50s and still not married myself. I have a partner and eventually we’ll get married, but it’ll literally be a registry office with lunch afterwards for about 8 close family. I would hate to think that my friends who I was bridesmaid for would be feeling upset about this.

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