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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's "small" wedding

262 replies

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

OP posts:
Flyinggeesei234 · 03/06/2023 15:21

DrMarciaFieldstone · 03/06/2023 12:47

It’s more fun attending as a guest anyway, IMO

100%

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 03/06/2023 15:23

Hi there think a lot of people have been very harsh on you and also they are very unrealistic in that you are a human, a friend with emotions.
Unfortunately your idea and budget of wedding is very different to your friends and she had decided to cut back on bridesmaids which is not to hurt you but to keep in budget. Wish her well and swallow your disappointment when you toast her. Good luck xxx

Bourganvillian · 03/06/2023 15:28

It’s not about small = cheaper and big = expensive. My niece is having a smaller daytime guest list because she wants to spend on the venue, food/drink, dress and her 6 bridesmaids. I totally get that

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 03/06/2023 15:29

Yes yabvu.
Its everyone's own choice what their wedding is.
I had a small wedding and my cousin was bm, in her own shoes and a little dress I bought, we all did eachothers makeup. Whereas she had a big wedding where I was bm and she bought me a formal dress, fancy shoes, hair and makeup, the lot.
We didn't have loads of money and my small wedding at the time it was meant my unwell 18 year old sister could be there. Had I left it 18 months for the big wedding we had thought of, she wouldn't have been there.

Polari · 03/06/2023 15:31

Having a bridesmaid doesn’t have to cost money.
When my friend got married I was her only bridesmaid, she told me to wear any dress I had that may be suitable. I showed her the dress I thought best, friend agreed and that’s what I wore.
You don’t need a special dress, fancy shoes or even expensive flowers to be a bride let alone a bridesmaid.

Frogmila · 03/06/2023 15:32

I do understand your disappointment but not why you've made the post so money centred and transactional.

Cosyblankets · 03/06/2023 15:33

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 13:47

She does have money - her partner is very well off.

Technically, I am financially better off than my husband and he would be a bit put out of someone said that about him. He prefers to earn his own money and spend as he sees fit. Maybe your friend is the same

FerretFarm · 03/06/2023 15:33

It is reasonable to be disappointed but it's not reasonable to be annoyed, as if she's doing something wrong. You got to choose and she gets to choose. It's poor form if she led you to believe you'd be a bridesmaid and you made her a bridesmaid partly because of that but you should only do such things if you want it.

it's like buying someone and expensive gift and then being annoyed if they don't buy an expensive gift for you.

AlienSupaStar · 03/06/2023 15:36

Enko · 03/06/2023 12:53

You are not unreasonable to be disappointed and your friend could have considered how she worded it to you if you have said often about being each others bridesmaid.

However your friend is also not unreasonable to want to do her wedding her way.

Your friend was a bit tactless and you feel hurt. If she is a close friend I'd allow this one yo pass and just acknowledge to yourself you feel hurt.

@Enko

why is the friend tactless? She only has to run her choices by her husband and perhaps anyone else who is contributing in some way - possibly - why the hell does she have to be “tactful”?! About what? She is planning her own wedding - the OP @Sophiesop isn’t owed any explanation at all - I literally cannot comprehend your viewpoint!

mrsbyers · 03/06/2023 15:37

She’s very sensible , I had my niece as bridesmaid - could have had a few friends but the hassle and expense just put me off and no one was offended

Millicentmargaretamandaholden · 03/06/2023 15:44

I can’t think of a way to say this that won’t sound very condescending, so you don’t have to answer but I’m a bit interested in what you think the point of a wedding is. Like everyone else I think YABU

LondonJax · 03/06/2023 15:47

Maybe she just has different priorities for her and her soon to be DH's money. Maybe she can't see the point of spending so much money on one day. Maybe she or her DH to be doesn't like being the centre of attention above and beyond what's 'normal' as a bride or groom. Maybe she has siblings or he has siblings that would all expect to be involved if she had bridesmaids.

At the end of the day it's her wedding, their day and you're a bystander whether you like it or not. You're not paying for her wedding so you have no say in what she does.

Just be grateful they're not just popping off the registry office and tying the knot with a couple of witnesses. At least you may have the opportunity to spend the day with them both - if that's what they decide.

budgiegirl · 03/06/2023 15:57

It is reasonable to be disappointed but it's not reasonable to be annoyed, as if she's doing something wrong

This. I can understand that you might be a bit disappointed, but it's not as if she's chosen other bridesmaids instead of you. I could understand you being upset at that, but as it is, she's just chosen not to have bridesmaids at all, so it's not personal.

You'd be very unreasonable to mention it to her, or hold it against her in anyway. Just be disappointed for a while, then move on.

2bazookas · 03/06/2023 15:59

You did what you wanted to please yourself.

She's doing the same thing.

BaiesRosesAmbre · 03/06/2023 16:01

You can’t be serious?

KrisAkabusi · 03/06/2023 16:04

It's about what asking someone to be your bridesmaid symbolises - you're my best friend and I want you by my side on this special day, I need your love and support to do this.

She's not in arranged marriage to the local Jarl! If you can't go through with your wedding without the support of a friend, then I don't think you should be getting married!

darjeelingrose · 03/06/2023 16:12

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 03/06/2023 13:21

How strange!
There’s another thread exactly like this, and everyone is telling op to no vontact and stop being friends with the bride who didn’t ask her to be bride’s maid back.
What’s the difference🤔?

I think the difference is that in this case, there are no bridesmaids at all.
On the other thread, there were bridesmaids but the OP wasn't picked. It's hardly the same thing!

airforsharon · 03/06/2023 16:21

Growlybear83 · 03/06/2023 13:09

Maybe it's not an issue of the cost of having a small wedding vs a large one. Perhaps your friend just wants to have a small and intimate celebration? Her wishes for the day are the most important thing and she shouldn't be pressured into doing anything that she doesn't want to do. Personally, nothing would have horrified me more than a huge wedding. We aren't religious so had a register office ceremony with about 20 people present, no bridesmaids, and no traditional wedding dress, and then had a reception for about 50 people upstairs at our local pub. Our mothers did all the catering, my brother paid for the wine and beer, and we played tapes of heavy metal music that we'd made for the duration of the reception. It was by far the best wedding I've ever been to 😆😆

With the exception of the Mums catering & heavy metal music this sounds like my wedding 😄 It was a lovely relaxed day & suited me & DH to the ground.

Tbh i'm sometimes shocked by how much gets invested, both financially & emotionally, in some weddings. It's just one day, and a wedding does not the marriage make.

Maireas · 03/06/2023 16:25

@airforsharon social media, innit.
I think that's why all this adult bridesmaid malarkey took off - loads of pictures getting ready in matching robes and whatever.

SpilltheTea · 03/06/2023 16:25

You're overthinking. Not everyone wants a lavish wedding, it's not a dig at you.

airforsharon · 03/06/2023 16:26

@Maireas that's a good point

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 03/06/2023 16:27

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:47

I understand that but I think I'm more upset as we've grown up together and always said we'd be each others bridesmaid. I'm probably just being immature but I was just taken back a bit.

Get a grip! It means nothing. It’s no big deal.

TooJoy · 03/06/2023 16:28

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 03/06/2023 13:21

How strange!
There’s another thread exactly like this, and everyone is telling op to no vontact and stop being friends with the bride who didn’t ask her to be bride’s maid back.
What’s the difference🤔?

I agree!

I came on here expecting all of the replies to say how U the friend was being and how OP should cut her off and not go to the wedding if she’s not made a bridesmaid.

This is why I don’t ask for advice on MN because the replies you get for the same issue are vastly different.

Someone said the first few posts set the tone and some MNers just copy the opinion of those (whether consciously or not) and I’m wondering if that’s actually true.

TeamSleep · 03/06/2023 16:36

YABU OP, if you’re not then I’m a terrible friend because I was a bridesmaid for two of my very good friends and they weren’t even invited to my small wedding as it was just immediate family. Luckily they were both lovely about it and we’re still great friends. Her wedding has nothing to do with you.

toomuchlaundry · 03/06/2023 16:37

I have been a bridesmaid twice, I didn't have any bridesmaids. We had a small wedding, nothing to do with cost, just wanted small wedding with little fuss, so just had ceremony and meal, no evening do.

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