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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friend's "small" wedding

262 replies

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

OP posts:
Egyptcalling · 03/06/2023 13:55

The exact same happened when I got married to DH. My best friend threw a strop because I was her bridesmaid at her wedding, whereas I had a small informal wedding with no bridesmaids. She also threw a strop because I didn’t have a hen do.

Don’t make her wedding about you

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/06/2023 13:55

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 03/06/2023 13:49

Presumably, you had the wedding you wanted, OP?

Your friend is having the wedding she wants.

Have you been a bridesmaid before? It's shit. She's doing you a favour.

Indeed - I was only a bridesmaid once and I hated it.

My partner and I are comfortably off but both hate fuss and being the centre of attention. We had a register office marriage with 3 guests - our closest friends - and then a posh lunch.

People should do what they want to when they get married, not what others apparently expect them to.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2023 13:57

I understand your disappointment @Sophiesop , my best friend didn't have me after I'd had her and I felt sad I didn't get to have that special role in her wedding like she had for mine.

But she'd had thought through logistics and that was her choice.

It wasn't about not having ME cos she doesn't love me, but because she needed to make other choices.

In the end she scrapped a barely pre-covid lockdown wedding with virtually no guests, I had newborn twins so couldn't even see her off, and you know what, we're still best friends.

Offer to organise her hen do perhaps or to do something else special with her?

Womencanlift · 03/06/2023 14:02

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 13:47

She does have money - her partner is very well off.

Wow I thought you might be a CF before, I definitely think you are now

Her partner’s finances are nothing to do with you. And just because her partner has money they might not want to spend a shit load on buying you a dress and being a pretend princess for a day.

ladymaiasura · 03/06/2023 14:02

You’re allowed your feelings but she has done nothing wrong. The day is about her marriage, not her friendships.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2023 14:03

Maireas · 03/06/2023 13:34

Because you're an adult.

Show quote history

It isn't about not being a secondary princess in a frock and people thinking you're nearly as special as the bride.

It's about what asking someone to be your bridesmaid symbolises - you're my best friend and I want you by my side on this special day, I need your love and support to do this.

@Sophiesop@Sophiesop might not be entirely rational, but feelings often aren't and that's OK. What matters is how we DEAL with those feelings.

Anewuser · 03/06/2023 14:06

I never really understood this bridesmaid thing anyway.

I’ve been married twice and only had one young bridesmaid the first time.

You’re an adult, you’ll get over it. You had the wedding you wanted, now it’s her time to have the wedding she wants.

ZoeCM · 03/06/2023 14:07

I think it's the fact she mentioned the cost of bridesmaid as if highlighting how much I spent - she didn't need to say that

OP, stop over-analysing! You're getting worked up over absolutely nothing!

ZoeCM · 03/06/2023 14:08

^ Sorry, I forgot to bold the quote in my previous post

gelatogina · 03/06/2023 14:10

How is a small wedding just as expensive as a large wedding?

you are being very unreasonable, don’t sulk with her for having the wedding she wants

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/06/2023 14:10

I didn’t have adult bridesmaids. Didn’t want to have to choose between friends, or to dress them - felt like too much pressure!

Maybe she feels the same way?

SparklyBlackKitten · 03/06/2023 14:11

Money spend on bridesmaids is money wasted.money can be used for so much better causes 😆

You sound resentful that you spent a rediculous amount money on hair and make up and a dress and a bracelet and she is refusing to spent that same amount on you

But just because you wanted to be a princess for a day doesn't mean she has to do the same

Redglitter · 03/06/2023 14:12

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 03/06/2023 13:21

How strange!
There’s another thread exactly like this, and everyone is telling op to no vontact and stop being friends with the bride who didn’t ask her to be bride’s maid back.
What’s the difference🤔?

A ridiculous thing to go NC over but I expect the difference is in OPs case there are no bridesmaids. In the other thread there are but that OP isnt one of them. Quite a big difference

L0bstersLass · 03/06/2023 14:13

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:49

@LittleRedYarny not a reverse. I don't know why it's wrong to be upset at not being the bridesmaid?

@Sophiesop Because she's not having a bridesmaid.
You're upset that you're not the bridesmaid in a wedding that isn't even having a bridesmaid.
Upset that you haven't been offered a position that doesn't exist.
That's what's wrong with it.

If she's having a small wedding, you may need to brace yourself for the eventuality that you won't even be invited.

TheFireflies · 03/06/2023 14:13

It's about what asking someone to be your bridesmaid symbolises - you're my best friend and I want you by my side on this special day, I need your love and support to do this.

I never once thought I needed anyone’s love and support to help me get married. It’s a weird thing altogether when you really think about it. And just as weird to get all bent out of shape because someone doesn’t feel the need to spend money on bridesmaids.

1983Louise · 03/06/2023 14:13

Think the heat is make everyone nasty today, I can understand why you're upset and feeling like you do. As other have said it's her choice so I'd just go along with her plans. There were only 6 people at my wedding including us and we had a great day. Make it as special as you can for her and her partner 😊

FlissyPaps · 03/06/2023 14:14

Clarinet1 · 03/06/2023 13:14

Slightly off-topic, but my understanding was always that bridesmaids were unmarried. The clue is in the old sense of the word “maid”.

God this is such an archaic view. It’s 2023 😴

changeyerheadworzel · 03/06/2023 14:15

This is just so so stupid. Are you 5 OP?

continentallentil · 03/06/2023 14:16

Just read your post back to yourself.. you want your friend to have a different wedding than the one she wants so you can be BM?!?!

It was your choice to spend money on bridesmaid dresses and to have a fancy wedding. You did it for you. No one owes you anything in return.

Awrite · 03/06/2023 14:18

Sunnyfeelgood · 03/06/2023 13:45

Oooh what was the podcast? Would love to listen.

It was Feel Better, Live More. Dr Rangan was talking to Anil Seth. He's a Neuro scientist. I really enjoyed it

MadEyeMoodysEye · 03/06/2023 14:18

I was bridesmaid for 2 friends. When I got married shortly afterwards I didn't have any bridesmaids. I felt deeply uncomfortable with the idea of having bridesmaids. Like I'd be saying "look at me and how important I am" - even though I didn't think anything of the sort when I was bridesmaid to my friends, and actually really loved doing it.

I'm still very close to the 2 friends I was bridesmaid for, they know I love them and as far as I know didn't take it personally.

viques · 03/06/2023 14:23

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:48

Plus I don't think she understands a "small" wedding can be just as expensive as a large wedding

Well clearly she has decided that one of the ways to save is by not having bridesmaids, no dresses, hair, makeup, bracelets, accommodation, transport, wedding meals etc to pay for. So with say two or three bridesmaids she has probably saved the best part of £900 to £1000 already.

Anaemiafog · 03/06/2023 14:24

I had a small wedding. It definitely didn't cost the same as the big weddings I've often attended. I hate being the centre of attention. I had no hen do, bridesmaids, etc. My friends (from thirty years ago) are still my closest friends and absolutely supported the day I chose.
DS is getting married next year. Future DIL said the other day a friend has fallen out with her already because she didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid. I told her there are only two people that matter that day and she should plan the day they want because someone is guaranteed to be upset, no matter what she does so she might as well have the day she wants, which incidentally is a huge affair.

weirdas · 03/06/2023 14:28

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:48

Plus I don't think she understands a "small" wedding can be just as expensive as a large wedding

Weddings are whatever budget you allocate. From a few hundred pounds to millions.

My bf of 37 years is getting married, she was bridesmaid at my wedding. She's getting married abroad and I'm not invited. I'm fine with that. She's having the wedding she wants. She doesn't owe me anything.

However she could have explained her plans a little more tactfully it's understandable you would be surprised

thecatsthecats · 03/06/2023 14:28

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:48

Plus I don't think she understands a "small" wedding can be just as expensive as a large wedding

I think that if you're going to dispense this sort of patronising faux wisdom that it's probably for the best that you aren't a bridesmaid.