Friend's "small" wedding

[Sophiesop]

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

@Sophiesop whatever you do, don’t turn up wearing a bridesmaid dress to your friend’s wedding!

You had the wedding you wanted. Now she's doing the same.

'Small weddings' are, incidentally, not just about cost. We married in a European city with four guests present. Some of the budget went on an ambitious honeymoon (for which we didn't ask guests - because there weren't any - to put money in an envelope). But the main reason was we simply didn't want the tedium of an identikit wedding, the usual long, dull day set to the same itinerary, or any of the divisiveness we'd seen in weddings in the past.

The in-laws - who were told two weeks beforehand - were the only ones who later objected. But as they'd have disapproved no matter what we did, we didn't consider this of any importance.

Keep in mind the old maxim that 'the people who matter won't mind, and the people who mind don't matter'. Then apply this to your friendship. Your friend doesn't want a big wedding with bridesmaids, whistles and bells. I think she's very wise. If you're really her friend, you'll be pleased for her.

Totally understand how you are feeling OP because I know I'd feel personally hurt not to be asked given the friendship dynamic you describe.

But a bit of time and perspective and you'll see it is fine for her to make her own choices, and you'll no doubt end up being really happy for her regardless once these feelings subside a little.

Plus, if it helps to make you feel a little better - being a bridesmaid can be super stressful even if the bride pays for everything etc, you've avoided having to wear a dress you would never choose yourself, you can stay wherever you want, arrive and leave whenever you want, and just really enjoy the day!

Honestly what is it with all these threads from women crying over not being bridesmaids.

It seems some posters here have never grown away from the playground.

It would not occur to me to be upset about this. However, I have just listened to a podcast about perception so I can recognise that this has truly upset you.

Not sure how you get over it. Perhaps, by seeing it from her perspective. I highly doubt she is doing it to upset you. She cares about her wedding in a different way to the way you cared about yours.

Try to focus on that.

I understand that but I think I'm more upset as we've grown up together and always said we'd be each others bridesmaid. I'm probably just being immature but I was just taken back a bit.

@Sophiesop Situations and circumstances change, you can't hold on to something that you agreed when you were younger. Yabu

Oooh what was the podcast? Would love to listen.

So this wedding is all about you?

Yabvvu

At first I thought YABU but now I can kind of see your point about her comment. She’s made you feel like you were stupid for spending all that money on her being your bridesmaid and is saying she has no intention of doing the same for you.

Although I don’t think being a bridesmaid is a reciprocal arrangement I do think that her explanation was a bit unnecessary and hurtful, especially because you’d discussed being each other bridesmaids over the years.

Give her the benefit of the doubt though, they may just not have much money and she’s trying to save face by pretending a small wedding is her preference.

Ridiculous. I’m amazed you’re old enough to be married OP.

Yes I've got the point I'm unreasonable now. I didn't actually ask if I was invited last night when she mentioned close friends and family. I really hope I am

She does have money - her partner is very well off.

You had your wedding your way she will have hers - don’t see the issue

The difference with that thread is that it was only the symptom of an obviously dying friendship. One party had clearly invested far more and cared about her friend more than the reverse. Not least, that bride wasn't simply being thoughtless but was making a pointed issue of excluding the OP, to the extent of loudly discussing in front of her a holiday on which she wasn't invited.

Of course that realization has to hurt. No one could be blamed for taking a step back in such a situation.

On this occasion there seems to be no such personal slight. The couple have simply decided on a small, simple wedding that doesn't necessitate having bridesmaids in the first place. People have different priorities; this is theirs.

The two situations don't remotely compare.

This isn’t about you.

That's not relevant.
Maybe they don't want to spend on a huge wedding with unnecessary expense. Maybe they're saving for a property or a nice holiday. Their choice.

So?
It's really not your problem.

Presumably, you had the wedding you wanted, OP?

Your friend is having the wedding she wants.

Have you been a bridesmaid before? It's shit. She's doing you a favour.

So you are going to decide over your wedding day AND hers?

You can’t be serious.

Completely irrelevant.

If understand you feeling hurt if she did decide to have bridesmaids but didn't ask you. However, her not wanting bridesmaids at all isn't something to be upset about. Everyone had their own wedding ideas and this is hers, you need to respect that and just be supportive

I'd*

YABVU. People spend far too much on weddings - your friend is being sensible by having a small one.

Because it's very childish.