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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend's "small" wedding

262 replies

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:43

Friend was my bridesmaid last year - I spent so much on my bridesmaids - dresses, hair and makeup, a bracelet etc.

Friend got engaged 2 months ago. I asked her last night what she is thinking in terms of the wedding. She said she wants a small wedding in Wales with just close family and friends and she's not really thinking of having bridesmaid as she'd rather budget for the cost of Wales than spending on bridesmaid gear.

Aibu to be upset by this? I thought I'd be her bridesmaid. I'm presuming I'll at least be invited to the wedding in Wales but I'm quite upset.

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 03/06/2023 13:18

Clarinet1 · 03/06/2023 13:14

Slightly off-topic, but my understanding was always that bridesmaids were unmarried. The clue is in the old sense of the word “maid”.

That’s extremely traditional and very much not the case these days.

Whatevercanbedone · 03/06/2023 13:20

I can understand your disappointment.
I can understand your friends view too.

I was bridesmaid for a friend and always assumed I would ask her to be mine. Several years later when I got wed. I didn't have her. I'm sure she expected and was saddened. I hope she understood my reasons. I wish I'd been able to have her and her child. I wish I'd had a grown up bridesmaid to organize hen and be there on the day.
But for many reasons we decided to have my spouses children only.

It wasn't a reflection on my bond/closeness to friend at all and we are still close now. But it was just what worked for our situation.

Take enjoyment in the fact you can choose a dress you like and not one that fits the colour theme or style bride prefers.

Ponoka7 · 03/06/2023 13:21

I think that everyone should have the wedding and Christmas that they want. Reframe it, you get to turn up with your DH and enjoy the day, without having to do a thing. Likewise the possible hen. We shouldn't put people who we are supposed to care about under any stress/extra expense when it comes to milestones, event, celebrations etc.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 03/06/2023 13:21

How strange!
There’s another thread exactly like this, and everyone is telling op to no vontact and stop being friends with the bride who didn’t ask her to be bride’s maid back.
What’s the difference🤔?

BellaJuno · 03/06/2023 13:23

I get your disappointment but you really need to give your head a bit of a wobble. She’s not obliged to have bridesmaids just because you did, your wedding choices are entirely separate from hers.

Gazelda · 03/06/2023 13:24

You come across as quite judgmental of the choices she and her fiancé are making about their wedding. How would you feel if you discovered that had been speculating on the cost of your wedding last year?

Fandabedodgy · 03/06/2023 13:25

YABVU.

She doesn't need to have a bridesmaid because you did.

It's her wedding not yours.

You need to get over yourself.

MatildaTheCat · 03/06/2023 13:25

I wonder if you are taking her choices as some sort of criticism of your own wedding? It’s actually entirely possible that by attending your, and other weddings she did begin to understand that this wasn’t for her.

As the bride you create your absolute best day in your own way. Try to view that from her perspective- her absolute best day is a different version to yours. Just as my dream holiday is probably different from yours.

Dont fall out, say anything other than kind and supportive comments and just offer any help she might want. But not your unsolicited opinions.

Its good you’ve hit it out of your system here.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/06/2023 13:25

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 03/06/2023 13:18

That’s extremely traditional and very much not the case these days.

Show quote history

No, now it's 'anything goes' and because of that, there are no rules now so nobody knows what is expected. It's like the modern day 'hosting', which is nothing of the sort.

Bridesmaids are traditionally unmarried, a married woman would be Maid of Honour. It's not difficult as a concept but of course, if being 'a princess' for the day is all important then it's why people like the OP are upset at having that whisked away from them.

Tradition is tradition. Ignore it if you like.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/06/2023 13:27

You're allowed to be disappointed - something that you thought was going to happen is no longer going to happen. Your expectations have been wrong and that's bound to cause you some unhappiness.

What you are not allowed to do is be anything other than delighted for, and supportive of, your friend and the wedding she wants. Smile, be happy, and ask all about the wedding dress, the location etc.

CheshireCat1 · 03/06/2023 13:28

It’s her wedding day, her choice, but I understand that you’re a little upset. Just be happy for her.

user1471447924 · 03/06/2023 13:29

Now just waiting for your second whinging thread in a few months time, complaining that not only are you not a bridesmaid, you’ve not been invited…

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/06/2023 13:30

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:49

@LittleRedYarny not a reverse. I don't know why it's wrong to be upset at not being the bridesmaid?

Because you're making it all about you and it's her day not yours.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 03/06/2023 13:30

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/06/2023 13:25

No, now it's 'anything goes' and because of that, there are no rules now so nobody knows what is expected. It's like the modern day 'hosting', which is nothing of the sort.

Bridesmaids are traditionally unmarried, a married woman would be Maid of Honour. It's not difficult as a concept but of course, if being 'a princess' for the day is all important then it's why people like the OP are upset at having that whisked away from them.

Tradition is tradition. Ignore it if you like.

Show quote history

Ok…I was just saying that while it was tradition, it’s not one people tend to adhere to today.

DitherDother · 03/06/2023 13:32

You had her a as a bridesmaid because you wanted a wedding with bridesmaids and you spent what you did because you wanted them to look a certain way.

She wants something different, that's fine.

FarmGirl78 · 03/06/2023 13:32

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:54

@Enko thank you for at least seeing my point of view even if it is unreasonable!!

I think it's the fact she mentioned the cost of bridesmaid as if highlighting how much I spent - she didn't need to say that

But she did need to say that. She's told you what kind of wedding she wants, and you're not happy with that. She's your friend, she knows you and probably anticipated that you'd be put out her choice of wedding. So she felt the need to add in some 'evidence' to support her reasoning in opting for a small wedding. And you're still not happy with her choice. She was only trying to justify her own choices, not knocking yours.

Sothisisitthen · 03/06/2023 13:33

What? I was a bridesmaid 3 times. DH was best man 5 times. When we got married we had neither as it genuinely was a small wedding. 26 people including family. Everyone seemed happy that we were happy?

This is such a weird take!

Cosyblankets · 03/06/2023 13:34

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:48

Plus I don't think she understands a "small" wedding can be just as expensive as a large wedding

This is very patronising. And insulting to her intelligence.
Of course a small wedding can less expensive than a big wedding.
Let's say meal etc is £80 a head . 20 guests would be 1600. 40 guests would be 3200 just for the meal. The dress and make up cost for no bridesmaid would be zero.
I'm fairly sure she gets that

Maireas · 03/06/2023 13:34

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:49

@LittleRedYarny not a reverse. I don't know why it's wrong to be upset at not being the bridesmaid?

Because you're an adult.

Rupiduti · 03/06/2023 13:35

YABU and it's seeing threads like this that make me want to elope honestly. I hate all this stress that comes with weddings. Of course a smaller wedding is cheaper than a bigger wedding. That's a fact.

TheInterceptor · 03/06/2023 13:36

Never heard of a Bridesmaid-zilla before!

Maireas · 03/06/2023 13:36

TheInterceptor · 03/06/2023 13:36

Never heard of a Bridesmaid-zilla before!

Indeed! That's a new one!

DitherDother · 03/06/2023 13:37

I suspect if she'd done "budget" bridesmaids after all you spent, you wouldn't have liked that either?

Maireas · 03/06/2023 13:37

Genuinely I'd never come across all this bridesmaid angst before coming on MN.
It's really escalated with other wedding nonsense, hasn't it?

RisingSunn · 03/06/2023 13:38

Sophiesop · 03/06/2023 12:49

@LittleRedYarny not a reverse. I don't know why it's wrong to be upset at not being the bridesmaid?

I would kind of understand this if she had other bridesmaids but didn’t include you.

But she isn’t having any!