Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

361 replies

FrustratedCitizen44846 · 03/06/2023 11:44

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 03/06/2023 11:51

It was a bit scatty of you to get his request totally wrong, I’d probably moan a bit if my partner did that. But I’d get over it quickly. Are you sure you’re not being over-sensitive about his sulking? Doug build it up in your head and let it ruin your day.

Thebigblueballoon · 03/06/2023 11:51

Don’t, even.*

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 11:51

Just reading this story in isolation, I would say yes - he is being over critical and a bit ridiculous. It’s not like you did any of this on purpose. He is acting like you were thinking the whole time “haha I know what will upset, I will tell him not to come with me and then not buy his strawberries” as some weird plan to ruin his morning!

However, is there a chance there could be something bigger at play? Could he be seething over something larger and not know how to talk to you about it? Sometimes these little spats can be a sign of an underlying resentment that people find hard to communicate.
It may be worth waiting until you have both calmed down and asking, calmly and with kindness, how he feels about the whole relationship.

It also matters how YOU feel about the whole relationship. Are you happy in general? How often do things like this happen and are you both usually quick to resolve it? Does he shut down or is he usually good at communication?

If this is literally only because of the Strawberries then he needs to grow up. But if it’s triggered something else in him, that needs to be discussed.

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 11:52

I'd be pissed if if I asked you to get me2 things and you didn't get either of them.

You're making out it's entirely understandable and reasonable you forgot/didn't bother to get 2 things out of 2 things you were asked to get

It's not.

Emmamoo89 · 03/06/2023 11:52

I would be annoyed if my partner didn't get what I asked for tbf

Emmamoo89 · 03/06/2023 11:53

But after some time would get over it

swanling · 03/06/2023 11:54

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 11:52

I'd be pissed if if I asked you to get me2 things and you didn't get either of them.

You're making out it's entirely understandable and reasonable you forgot/didn't bother to get 2 things out of 2 things you were asked to get

It's not.

I agree. It gives the impression that you don't care.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/06/2023 11:54

It would irritate me if a partner said they'd get what I asked for and then forgot one item and got the other wrong. And why would he say thank you for not getting him what he asked for?

NeverendingCircus · 03/06/2023 11:54

I'd be a bit pissed off too if I'd asked for two simple things from the shop and DH brought back neither of them, after telling me not to come along. It's pretty thoughtless of you.

But it shouldn't simmer as a big deal unless you often overlook his choices and priorities.

I'd say - sorry, that was thoughtless of me. I'll buy some of both this afternoon so you can have them tomorrow morning.

Mumdiva99 · 03/06/2023 11:55

Sorry but I'd be annoyed too. Why ask what I want if you aren't going to get it? (It's not about a few blueberries....it's about the lack of consideration.)

SunnySaturdayMorning · 03/06/2023 11:57

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 11:52

I'd be pissed if if I asked you to get me2 things and you didn't get either of them.

You're making out it's entirely understandable and reasonable you forgot/didn't bother to get 2 things out of 2 things you were asked to get

It's not.

This.

You expected him to say thank you Confused For what? You fucked up.

You should have given a proper apology (not a “my bad”) and you should have offered to go back.

RightOldMe · 03/06/2023 11:57

I'd say it's both.

If you have a pattern of being scatterbrained/forgetful, then it's reasonable to be upset over it especially as you told him you'd get what he asked. Then it seems you casually want him to have something else because you couldn't pay attention enough to get what he specified. Sometimes you want what you want, not alternatives.

He also seems to be someone who doesn't easily let things go especially when he feels it could have been avoided, like this situation.

Both are neither wrong nor right. Just different personalities clashing.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/06/2023 11:57

120 seconds to listen to a book.

Couldn't be arsed to remember the flavour of yoghurt he'd asked for as you blocked him coming to get the things he wanted.

Couldn't be arsed to remember the fruit at all.

And he's ruined the day by not being entirely made up that you couldn't be arsed to remember the two things for him?

Dumping him because you don't particularly like him is fine. But I'm not convinced it would be all his fault.

continentallentil · 03/06/2023 11:59

I might be irritated with you, but I wouldn’t sulk, unless it’s a pattern.. is it a pattern? It’s a bit odd to forget blueberries for breakfast if you are literally going to the shop to get three things for breakfast. Did you just want him to finish the strawberries by any chance??

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/06/2023 11:59

I’d be a little bit annoyed if I asked for two things and didn’t get either of them. But I’d get over it pretty quickly!

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 12:01

Wow you have had some harsh replies here, OP!
Each to their own but it wouldn’t bother me at all if my partner did that. We can all get a bit in our own head sometimes and forget things. It’s part of being an imperfect human.

BreviloquentBastard · 03/06/2023 12:01

I don't think this is actually about blueberries and yoghurt.

FurElsie · 03/06/2023 12:01

It depends how long he sulks for, if he's still pissed off while you're with friends you're not being unreasonable to think of leaving a miserable mood dampener. If not, maybe there is something to what he's saying, have a think about your behaviour and if you could be more thoughtful.

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 12:02

If ots OK for the op to be that scatty because no human is perfect then it's OK for him to be pissed off about ot because no one is perfect

Fandabedodgy · 03/06/2023 12:03

I'd be pissed off too

You were pretty thoughtless

HoIIy · 03/06/2023 12:04

It comes across likes no fucks given that you got 2 out of 2 things wrong, in the space of 2 minutes you completely forgot what he had asked for.

Sounds to me like there's a bigger picture here. This isolated incident wouldn't cause someone to say you're not very thoughtful and he can't say no to you. There's obviously other things that you aren't seeing. But it does make you sound a bit thoughtless.

AlwaysGinPlease · 03/06/2023 12:04

I'd be annoyed if you didn't get either of only two things I'd asked for when I could have gone with you but you said no, but would leave it at that.

Original poster
FrustratedCitizen44846 · 03/06/2023 12:05

Just to clarify: this is not a pattern at all. I can't think of any other time I've ever been forgotten something like this. I get it was my mistake, I just don't feel there's any need to be so critical of what is just human error.

He is on the highly strung/critical/unforgiving end of things in general, IMO.

Which probably isn't a great combination with me as I'm very "go with the flow"/what will be will be.

I just don't see the need to get so irate over minor things. But I may very well BU.

OP posts:
AConstantGreyInTheClouds · 03/06/2023 12:05

I’d be a bit annoyed in his position. He only asked for 2 things, you got one of them wrong and forgot the other. I’d think you couldn’t be bothered to make any effort.

He says he feels he can’t say no to you. Is it possible that’s actually something to do with your behaviour?

If it’s not and he’s making it up and you say you feel like you’re treading carefully around him, is this really a healthy relationship?

Something isn’t right.

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 12:06

@FrustratedCitizen44846

I dont see how you could have forgotten 2 things out of 2

You say it doesn't happen often but the fact you are minimising it so much would suggest otherwise

It's OK to be pissed off about stuff that is annoying