Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

361 replies

FrustratedCitizen44846 · 03/06/2023 11:44

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

OP posts:
DarkDayforMN · 03/06/2023 13:25

OnSusansFloor · 03/06/2023 12:16

It's difficult to comment on the wider context of your relationship as a whole but this particular issue reminds me of something I read about "bids for connection" in a relationship. I'm wondering if his asking about coming along was a bid to connect with you - maybe he was thinking "So lovely to have this lazy morning with Citizen. Might be nice to mosey over to the shop together and pick out some things for breakfast, then hang out together over a nice relaxed breakfast", but you heard "Do you need help going to the shop?" and answered that question honestly, but he felt rebuffed and his response later had more to do with that than with the specifics of breakfast.
Or he could just be a childish brat, difficult to say without knowing him 🤷🏼‍♀️

I thought this was a really smart comment and overlooked.

I know I sometimes get frustrated with DP and feel rejected if I want to just be together and chat and he’s listening to audiobooks. I’ve learned that I have more need to spend quality time together than he does, and usually I’m very rational about that but if I’m not on good form it can feel quite shitty to feel like he doesn’t want my company.

Tryagainplease · 03/06/2023 13:28

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 12:02

If ots OK for the op to be that scatty because no human is perfect then it's OK for him to be pissed off about ot because no one is perfect

They are two different things
Sulking is childish and cruel and intentional
The OP didn’t set out to deliberately upset him!

Newbie198 · 03/06/2023 13:31

@HeckyPeck
@Tryagainplease
see your stories are lovely and seem to reflect couples who get on well and understand each other.
My dh forgets something, he immediately offers to go back and I’d probably refuse and make do. No biggie.

If you’re happy, these things hardly matter. If you’re unhappy, then they become major problems.

ValentineGreen · 03/06/2023 13:35

I think it really might be worth taking a deeper look at how often things like this happen, where you forget a 'small' thing and think your dh is 'making a big deal' of it. I'd hazard a wild guess that you didn't forget / mess up your own breakfast preference when you got the to shop. You didn't remember to get the yoghurt and blueberries and forget to get the milk for instance?

My dh has a recent ADHD diagnosis and 'small' things like this have mired our relationship for so many years and it sort of snowballs. Each single one is inconsequential but the all add up over time.

My dh would have had your attitude too, oh stop being sulky - you have yoghurt and fruit, what's the big deal? Meanwhile he's tucking into exactly what he fancies and bought for his meal etc

I started thinking and saying to him that he only forgot things that were of no consequence to HIM. We had so many petty fights about this over the years that I really became bored and saddened by it all. I felt it was an absolute sign that he just didn't really give a shit.

We could park outside a shop and he'd ask what would you like, I would tell him, he'd go in and come out and hand me the entirely wrong thing and when I'd say WTF he'd say 'but you love xxx, you aways get it' and he would not have even registered that I'd answered yyy when he asked.

It all came to a terrible head last year for him (unrelated to me) and now he has a diagnosis. And in many ways this has alleviated the frustration I have felt.

I'm not saying you have ADHD but if your dh is telling you that he finds you thoughtless and hard to communicate with, I think you might do well to actually listen to it.

OCarumba · 03/06/2023 13:36

Newbie198 · 03/06/2023 13:31

@HeckyPeck
@Tryagainplease
see your stories are lovely and seem to reflect couples who get on well and understand each other.
My dh forgets something, he immediately offers to go back and I’d probably refuse and make do. No biggie.

If you’re happy, these things hardly matter. If you’re unhappy, then they become major problems.

Yep I think it depends a lot on the underlying relationship. When you’re happy small things are more likely to be no sweat

And sometimes when there’s a big underlying issue, these little quibbles are actually that big issue ‘leaking out’

bonzaitree · 03/06/2023 13:37

I wouldn’t personally care about the bf buying the wrong thing / forgetting something as a one off.

But that’s because he consistently shows me he cares for me and loves me.

If you’re in a relationship where you don’t feel consistently loved and cared for, forgetting little things would serve to verify that partner so does not love and care for you.

So how is the relationship going generally?

Mummysaf · 03/06/2023 13:38

I would be irritated too but would move on quickly.
that being said if DH had annoyed me all week then it may be a straw that breaks the camels back.
Is there anything else going on?

Theladyinluna · 03/06/2023 13:38

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 11:52

I'd be pissed if if I asked you to get me2 things and you didn't get either of them.

You're making out it's entirely understandable and reasonable you forgot/didn't bother to get 2 things out of 2 things you were asked to get

It's not.

Me too.

emmylousings · 03/06/2023 13:38

Its petty, unkind and controlling. I had an ex who did this, it got gradually worse. But like a lobster in a pot...you don't realise quite how bad it is until your whole life is miserable. Expect others to treat you how you would treat them. How would you have reacted in the same situation?
Do not get pregnant with him. He'll be a super critical co-parent = nightmare.

Nordicrain · 03/06/2023 13:41

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 11:52

I'd be pissed if if I asked you to get me2 things and you didn't get either of them.

You're making out it's entirely understandable and reasonable you forgot/didn't bother to get 2 things out of 2 things you were asked to get

It's not.

I agree with this too.

Can't believe you expected him to be grateful for buying him two things he didn't want and not getting him what he wanted.

YABU.

ToK1 · 03/06/2023 13:42

@Tryagainplease

Maybe not

But she clearly didn't care enough to try not to upset him

LaGiaconda · 03/06/2023 13:43

When somebody says they will get me X and Y, I tend to start looking forward to X and Y. This might be all the more so at the weekend when there's a chance to relax together - not so much on a busy weekday where you just fuel up and go, and everyone is under pressure for time.

I think if you see the relationship as a longterm one , it would be good to sort out the underlying issues. Do you value each other? How do you show that you care? What aspects of each other's characters cause frustration and to what extent are you able to change?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/06/2023 13:52

So the ones who would be pissed of with the OP, would you ruin a whole day because of her mistake? I just dont get that mentality at all.
@FrustratedCitizen44846 if you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells then perhaps it's time for an all or nothing talk. I could not live like this in my own home.

SparklyBlackKitten · 03/06/2023 13:53

You think you are "go withthe flow" but probably you come across more like a
"meh...who cares/I dont care" person

And the fact that you have now all of a sudden adjusted the story just because people are siding with your partner....

Sounds like you may need to have a good look at yourself....

He may be 'overly critical' after months/years of your "meh... who cares" attitide

Freefall212 · 03/06/2023 13:56

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 03/06/2023 13:52

So the ones who would be pissed of with the OP, would you ruin a whole day because of her mistake? I just dont get that mentality at all.
@FrustratedCitizen44846 if you spend a lot of time walking on eggshells then perhaps it's time for an all or nothing talk. I could not live like this in my own home.

The day had barely started when OP posted given they had a lazy lie in and then she went to the store and then they had this issue and she posted before noon.

And her first version was that he was a bit miffed. And it is her reaction - interpreting him being a bit miffed as so critical that it has put her on edge and made her sad that she thinks will ruin the day. Not anything he is doing.

Dixiechickonhols · 03/06/2023 13:56

I think his not being thoughtful comment is very fair. If your boss, colleague or friend had asked for 2 items I bet you’d have got them. Shows you don’t really listen and don’t really care - that will do it’s only him.
Perhaps think why you are like that with him.
I’d apologise.
If you listen to people with long marriages it’s often the little things that they mention eg making a cup of tea every morning not the flashy things that matter.

SkyandSurf · 03/06/2023 14:05

If the shop is literally 2 minutes away, why didn't one of you go back?

FrostyFifi · 03/06/2023 14:08

OP you seem to be getting a bit of a hard time here but I get it. I'm the more unforgiving/overcritical one in my relationship whereas DH wouldn't dream of moaning or blaming me if I cock up, and it's something I'm working really hard to improve as it's not fair on him.

HellfireClubSandwich · 03/06/2023 14:14

I wonder if this touched his nerve twice - you didn’t want him with you and then you forgot what he wanted. Maybe it’s made him feel rejected?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/06/2023 14:16

How is the OP getting a 'hard time' on here? She's not, is she? She went to the shop, didn't get the things that she offered to get, her focus on being plugged in to listen to whatever - and her husband wasn't pleased. Should he have been dancing a jig?

How do you forget things that you've agreed to buy? If your memory is that bad then you make a list, surely?

I find this sort of thing consistent with incompetent people who make a habit of it and then make excuses for not doing whatever they said they would. Best that those people team up with other incompetents and then there's no problem.

trytopullyoursocksup · 03/06/2023 14:17

I think the sulking is the thing, not him not finding it good enough. If it literally is 2 minutes away, and I was in his position and was really looking forward to something specific, I would have said "thanks for going, but you know what, I'll have strawberry tomorrow, I am just going to pop to get the vanilla because I really fancy it." At this point you have the choice as to whether to shrug and think "ok," or feel deeply criticised over something trivial (to you).

You basically told him not to go, but he didn't have to "obey". I wouldn't. If I know exactly what I want and I think it will go wrong, I'll go myself - or go myself, after it has gone wrong. I don't blame him for minding but if you are going to mind things like this (I do) you just have to accept that you have to do more things yourself as other people won't get it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/06/2023 14:18

Actually, if this thread would be reversed and OP's husband had done this, OP's 'mental load' would have been lamented about myriad times.

DitherDother · 03/06/2023 14:19

I'd probably be a bit grumpy if after a lazy morning in bed, I'd had the suggestion of a companionable walk to the shop rejected and my simple requests had been ignored.

Is it impossible to say no to you? I think that's probably the crux of it. Either he's trying to tell you about something that really bothers him or he's over reacting about a yogurt.

Lndnmummy · 03/06/2023 14:22

To me it shows you didn't really care about what he wanted. I would have been annoyed as well.
my dh would too. I would have popped back to the shop and got it.

aflix · 03/06/2023 14:28

Surely when you decided to nip to the shop he should have said, 'I'll go, you stay and listen to your audio thingy'. Sorted.