To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

[FrustratedCitizen44846]

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

If this were the other way round, people would be telling OP that his forgetfulness was a symptom of a wider problem, that he doesn’t care about her, and that she should crack on and LTB. Which of course would be completely mad but gives a bit of context.

I think what might have been particularly annoying is the fact that he offered to go to the shop as well and was told not to- I have some sympathy here as my DH has form for this sort of thing (eg I’m about to make a cup of tea, he says that he’ll make it for me, so I go and sit down but time passes and no tea appears and I realise he’s forgotten and is off doing something else instead- not a big deal but annoying when I was quite happy to make it myself and indeed was about to do so). Plus OP telling him to have strawberries instead sounds annoying.

Having said all that, none of its a big deal so if he’s making it into one, that’s unreasonable.

Yeah...I'm totally scatty brained too and would 100% do this...but I'd also be pretty hurt if my partner told me not to bother coming then didn't get either of the only 2 things I asked for. But...my partner and I (whoever respectively forgot the items) would have simply apologised and gone back to the shop to get it. You repeat that its 2 minutes and seem like you think he doest have a right to be upset but at no point do you even seem to consider popping back out yourself to sort your own mistake. That seems kind of thoughtless and selfish to me. I suspect that had you headed back out positively and without any mind games this would have been immediately resolved. He wanted you to show some thought and care about his feelings...you didn't and now you're talking about breaking up with him. That seems incredibly drastic and honestly if that's your gut reaction when he expresses any negative emotions then I really do think you should break up because it seems kind of cruel and emotional manipulation. He shouldn't not be allowed to be disappointed in case you break up with him...that's really odd.

It’s like the OP expects him to be some sort of emotionless robot, and when he does express some sort of opinion or disappointment - caused by the OP (no judgment - we all do things that annoy and/or upset our partners from time-to-time) - he’s being completely unreasonable.

Well, he’s not. He’s a bit annoyed - because you were annoying, OP. He’s allowed to be.

If you find that untenable, break up with him.

But good luck in you next relationship - I don’t think you’re going to find it any easier.

PP response was perfectly calm and raised the issue perfectly you countered randomly with swearing and aggression... it suggests you might actually be the irate one not the person you quoted.

Literally EVERYONE has said mistakes happen, most have said we have done it or our partner has and it was easily fixed by them popping back to the shop.

Everyone has also seen the bigger picture that its NOT about blueberries & yogurt but the OP in her own side of the story showing huge red flags about her abusive (not allowing her partner to express emotion, refusing to take responsibility and gaslighting him) and emotionally manipulating (threatening divorce in an attempt to control the situation) attitude to her husband.

If you can't see past the blueberries then your not very observant to the far bigger picture here.

Years ago I asked DO to buy me a slice of cheesecake, he brought home London cheesecake- I still remember the disappointment so I think YABU!

The self-awareness is weak with this one. Calm the fuck down, love.

if he continually harps on about all the things you do wrong, and doesn’t just let it drop when you apologise or rectify your mistake, then this could be part of controlling and coercive behaviour. It sounds like you are already feeling that you are being punished for little mistakes, which is also a sign that things aren’t right.

Yes there are things you could do to overcome scattiness, like write a list before going to the shop, but ultimately we’re all human and if you are scatty, he should accept that is part of who you are. You didn’t ask if he wanted anything, he made a request, and if he knows you are scatty he should make adjustments for that, like text you what he wanted as well, or say, no I’ll come with you as there are things I need. But instead he makes you feel like you’ve done something awful, whilst your rational brain is wondering why it’s such a big deal. That’s manipulative behaviour.

I think its actually more that he is frustrated with OPs lack of regard for others.

He isn't going on 3 years later about the one isolated time she forgot blueberries but is rather hurt that she repetitively lets him down and dismisses it as 'his problem'.

She admits shes 'go with the flow', 'in her own world' and her whole post highlights how she doesn't listen and didn't care. Every time she does an action that effects others they are allowed to have a new reaction to that disappointment its NOT 'harping on' that effect comes from several unrelated grievances from a pattern from OP.

Him highlighting a pattern of thoughtlessness is not 'critical'. OP seems to think she gets to decide how important any of this should be and tell him how to feel/react. Worse shutting it down (with talks of divorce) shows that not only does she not listen to instructions (irratating but livable) but she refuses to communicate about issues either or see anything from anyone else's perspective (something that will effect all her relationships as its a major social flaw).

I would say he feels rejected, you didn’t want his company preferring a book. You didn’t get what he wanted as he’s not important to you.

YANBU - his reaction was OTT. Neither my DH or I would even think of being annoyed if either one of us had forgotten something we were asked to buy. I'd just laugh if my DH forgot something and say next time I'll give you a list! But I wouldn't be cross or feel upset, that's ridiculous.
I really couldn't cope with someone who sulked over small things like that!!

I've done this a few times forgotten or brought the incorrect items home.
I've just gone back out and bought the correct items. I think it is an accident but it's also casual and bordering on thoughtlessness.

I'd be annoyed if I asked for two things from the shop and got neither, or the wrong one. Its quite thoughtless. Your right that it wasn't a big deal, and if your response had been oh sorry, I'll run out for them now as it's only two minutes to the shop. If he had sulked after that then yes, he is the problem. But given you didn't, offered to let him rectify the mistake you made in the first place, "he could have popped along," wondered why he couldn't be bothered after offering to come with you initially to take the heat off you remembering (guessing this isn't the first time if he did), and then leaving him to eat what he didn't want in the first place.. yeah sorry its just not considerate or thoughtful. Maybe sulking wasn't the way to go, and an adult mature conversation might have been the way forward, but you basically asked him what he wanted, assured him you would get it, didn't for whatever reason then shrugged and went not my problem. Your need to take responsibility for this. Your response to yhe not big deal made it a big deal.

I haven't read any of the other responses so probably echoing a few....I've never jumped in on posts ever but this one was amusing at first and then annoying & I've had a glass of wine so .... I'll cut to the chase ...why post it here? I get it could be something you wanted to air and discuss but do that with your friends, not a very public space ...??? I ended up feeling very sorry for your fella...🤷

Yeah I’d be annoyed as it was two things and you only went to get three! How could you get both wrong?!

That’s some serious mental gymnastics there!

He clearly KNOWS she’s scatty, forgetful and inconsiderate, which is why he offered to come with.

The twists and turns to make it someone other than the person who made the mistakes fault, is quite something………

Wow! I must be so laidback! I wouldn’t care if my DH came back from the shop without a couple of things I asked for. Especially if it was the corner shop!

I agree with this, to forget one thing is ok but not to get either of the things he asked for would come across as a bit uncaring to me.

@DizzyRascal love this comment Also @FrustratedCitizen44846 it was an accident. I’m v v v forgetful so I write lists on my phone Also you are not incompetent. Sometimes opposite personalities can better each other. Be less forgetful and he needs to learn to compromise a bit. No one died. Perspective is good.

No one thinks OP has committed the worst crime ever by forgetting the items, we have all done it.

What stands out is now OP dealt with it. She brushed it off without apologising, whilst also expecting him to say thank you (for what?). And when he was disappointed, OP accuses him of sulking and throws a strop herself. She claims she’s walking on eggshells, but it sounds like he’s the one doing that as he can’t show any emotion without OP getting upset.

It’s a small incident blown out of proportion because one half of the couple is getting fed up with the other’s behaviour. But what is telling is apart from this one incident, OP hasn’t explained any of the other times he’s been in a sulk and she feels she’s walking on eggshells. In fact, when this thread challenged her behaviour, she never came back.

Exactly @TimesRwo - and it very much sounds like the OP’s partner has to ‘walk on eggshells’ - he says it’s impossible to say no to her.

So even though he wanted to come to the shops with her (probably because he knew exactly how this was going to pan out), he was told ‘no’ and had to go along with it, because she’d made him feel like he was in the way.

And then breezy ol’ go-with-the-flow OP didn’t get the things he asked for.

Anyway, this thread clearly hasn’t gone the way you thought it would, @FrustratedCitizen44846 since you’ve disappeared.

I don't see what the big deal is, especially as he said strawberry as a second choice. I wouldn't be able to cope if he was that negative/highly strung/moody all the time.

Am I the only one wondering why you're on Mumsnet if you have no children yet? 🤔

🙄

Yes, you are.

Plenty of people without kids come on here. I have kids but spend zero time in any of the parenting forums.

Please let’s not let this comment derail the thread.

Probably. It's rare to be that lacking in imagination.