To think it isn't normal to be this critical?

[FrustratedCitizen44846]

This morning me and DH were having a lazy morning in bed (no kids yet) when we realised we don't have any milk. I said "I'll nip to the shop and get some now then". He asked if I wanted him to come with me and I said no, don't worry, I can finish my audiobook on the way (it's a 2 minute walk). Before I left he asked me to grab him some vanilla yoghurt and some blueberries, too. Of course! No problemo.

Anyway as I'm milling round the shop I'll admit I was in my own world a bit, so I forgot to buy the blueberries. I also bought the wrong yoghurt; he asked for vanilla this time but I bought strawberry. The shop was packed and so in my haste I grabbed strawberry, which is his usual choice.

When I got home and emptied the bag of he looked a bit confused (and I will note didn't say thank you once). At that point I said shit, sorry, I forgot the blueberries, but there's a fresh punnet of strawberries in the fridge and bananas on the side of you want some fruit. And said my bad about the yoghurt.

I honestly thought nothing of it, didn't think it was a big deal (he could walk the 2 mins to the shop if he really wanted) but as I was eating my breakfast I could tell he was being a bit sulky. I asked him what's wrong and he said if I wasn't going to get him what he wanted he would've just gone to the shop with me, and it's not fair that I pretty much told him he couldn't come with me. I said that's not fair, all I said was "don't worry about coming with me, I have something I want to listen to anyway". It's not like it was a strict directive or anything, of course he could come with me if he really wanted to. And in any case the shop is literally two minutes from where we live. It's not a big deal.

Anyway he then goes off on this sulk about how I'm not very thoughtful and how it's impossible to say no to me (i.e. he couldn't push the point about coming with me to the shop).

I think he's being overly critical over what is an incredibly minor mistake and turning into some big character flaw. It's not like this sort of thing happens often, if at all.

Tbh there have been a few cases like this where I feel he's a bit too.... unforgiving? Critical?

It kinda puts me on eggshells at times, to the point I've considered breaking up with him. Taking today as an example, we're supposrd to be going out to meet some friends but now I feel really on edge and a bit sad. Feels like the day is ruined for no good reason.

But it seems like such a minor thing and I'm not sure if it's just me being unreasonable/overdramatic and that it's normal for him to be a bit miffed over things like this from time to time (we're all human after all).

AIBU?

Yeah, you’re just giving off a “no fucks given” vibe. That’s a shitty attitude to have.

I can’t be doing with ~go with the flow~ type people. You’re thoughtless and selfish and think everyone should accommodate your poor behaviour because what does it matter, really?

He should run for the hills.

When he says you're not very thoughtful, what else could he mean? He must feel that way in general, for some reason.

I'd be annoyed that you managed to forget/ get wrong the two things he asked you to get as well - do you have form for this?

If he's saying you're not very thoughtful and he can't say no to you over this alone, then he's bring extremely dramatic. I doubt it though.

It's likely you're not seeing your pattern of behaviour as you are minimising this one. Seems he's used to it but it upsets him. Doesn't mean it's reasonable for him to sulk for days.

I'd be a little annoyed but I wouldn't make a song and dance of it. It's a trivial matter in the scheme of things. My husband is always doing that kind of thing, and it's:

Him "Sorry, I forgot the blueberries and got the wrong yoghurt"
Me: "Awww, no! I was looking forward to that."
Him: "Sorry!"
Me: "Doesn't matter, no biggie."

The End

Blimey. I can easily forget stuff, and so can my dp. If the shop is 2 mins away and dp came back with the wrong flavour yogurt I might roll my eyes but I can't imagine actually being annoyed! If you think he is overly critical a lot then I think that's a serious problem. Noone should make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

I’m in two minds. It took two mins to walk to the shop and it was a fairly basic request. You got none of the two things he wanted. You literally forgot in two mins, which indicates potentially a lack of care.

just don't see the need to get so irate over minor things.

This is the issue. To you not getting the right yoghurt or the blueberries is a minor mistake. To him it may be much bigger and more important viz. an indication that you don't care about him, don't think about him.

The shop is 2 minutes away, get out again and get him his yoghurt and berries with an apology for being thoughtless. Please avoid the tinkly laugh and "what am I like" vibe.

So you went to the shop to get three things. You forgot one and messed up another. It’s a bit hopeless OP. I think I’d be a bit cross with my husband if he couldn’t be bothered to get what I asked for.

It’s pretty thoughtless of you not to get either of the 2 things he asked for. It shows a general lack of consideration for him / his wants. I’d be upset in his shoes. He was sat there looking forward to his vanilla yogurt and blueberries and then had to adjust his expectations because you hadn’t properly listened / concentrated on him. Even worse instead of properly apologising you’re making out that he’s unreasonable to be upset. I would have offered to go back to the shop.

Alright I sort of fibbed about the yoghurt thing because I couldn't be bothered typing out the whole scenario. But I feel I should add some much needed context!

So he asked for vanilla yoghurt and said it they don't have any of that, buy strawberry. I asked if he'd prefer a Muller corner or a big tub of yoghurt and he said the big tub.

The shop didn't have any big tubs of vanilla, they only had big tubs of strawberry. They did have vanilla Muller corners.

I bought a big tub of strawberry, thinking that would be his preference.

Turns out he would have actually preferred the vanilla corner. It was honestly just a miscommunication.

Yeah this would annoy me too so I’m with him on this one

@musixa

Maybe your oh keeps doing it because you keep telling him it doesn't matter if he does

It's difficult to comment on the wider context of your relationship as a whole but this particular issue reminds me of something I read about "bids for connection" in a relationship. I'm wondering if his asking about coming along was a bid to connect with you - maybe he was thinking "So lovely to have this lazy morning with Citizen. Might be nice to mosey over to the shop together and pick out some things for breakfast, then hang out together over a nice relaxed breakfast", but you heard "Do you need help going to the shop?" and answered that question honestly, but he felt rebuffed and his response later had more to do with that than with the specifics of breakfast.
Or he could just be a childish brat, difficult to say without knowing him 🤷🏼‍♀️

Turns out he would have actually preferred the vanilla corner. It was honestly just a miscommunication

Easily sorted in the future by giving a ranked list of choices, if it's that important to him. 1. Large vanilla 2. Vanilla Muller Corner 3. Large strawberry etc.

Well that settles the yoghurt. Not your fault because he already chose. What about the blueberries?

Sounds like a few things.

’go with the flow’ can be very irritating for people who aren’t like that.

Specifically asking if someone wants something and forgetting is thoughtless. If I did that I would go back and get what they wanted.

No one should make you walk on eggshells but people do have a right to express unhappiness. However if he’s not able to get past things or makes you ‘pay’ then there are issues to deal with.

So you didn’t either of his requested items. And now he’s not even allowed to express an opinion about it.

Would it kill you to carry put a really simple request? I'd be hacked off too.

It genuinely doesn't matter to me that much. None of us is perfect - there are far worse faults he could have, and in exchange naturally I expect his leeway on my faults, such as leaving empty glasses dotted all round the house.

You lied to us about the yogurt.

CBA.

If he doesn't make you happy then leave. You don't need to stay with someone who makes you unhappy.

Your DH would have divorced me long ago. I once said to DH that I didn't know where our daughter got her scatiness from , he gave me a look and said really.
Don't let his behaviour out him down.

She didn't lie, she simplified.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt that this is a one off op it sounds like you’re not compatible. You’re laid back, he’s highly strung. Neither are wrong you just don’t suit each other.