To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

One day the table wil be reversed. And then you may realise that being difficult for the sake of being difficult is just pretry shitty.

Kids are legally adults by 18 yes
But they are not grown up.

your older kid is hosting it? Because they 'live there'. Dude they literally live in your backyard. Some responsibility still falls your way op.

You could have just rang with your number blocked. It would have been done in 2 minutes. Who knows the reasons. Maybe this girl was raped. Maybe her mother got molested at age 19 at an unsupervised backyard party. Maybe the mum know that her kid is not to be trusted. Maybe mum is a helicopter mum

I dont know. I don't care.
But that still doesn't mean to just shut the door in her face.

Most kids live at home at 19-21 still. Your kids do. Why is it so bad to have a parent enquire if there will be supervision. Especially considering even you say you'll let them drink and vape as much as they want
. As long as they dont do "drugs "

Righto 😅

I don't understand why people think the OP contacting the parents would have allowed NF 'a rare night of freedom', that it would have been supporting NF etc as people are saying. Unless OP had lied to them then they weren't going to agree to her staying once she'd confirmed that, yes, she would be completely unsupervised in a mixed group with alcohol. It might have actually made things a lot worse for NF if they felt after speaking to OP that she'd lied to them.

There won't be any supervision @SparklyBlackKitten

The OP has been asked to confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

She can say she's in her field but that's all.

And what the hell does 'one day the tables will be reversed' mean? Sounds weirdly threatening

Especially considering even you say you'll let them drink and vape as much as they want

But it’s none of OP’s business how much they drink or vape. So it’s not a question of letting them or not, assuming she has no objection to drinking and vaping in her field (which would be about the property not the people). They are adults and can do as they wish in that regard.

I know. Very strange. Highly unlikely that one day the OP will request supervision of her own adult children!

I would help out NF by letting the parents hear from you directly that you allow the parties, it might simply be just that- them wanting to be sure you are ok with it. I know it's pandering, but poor NF! I would say what pp have, that you do not supervise so there is clearly no expectations on you - they are adults etc

How odd!!! An adult who apparently doesn’t know the definition of the word adult.

Do you have adult children? What do you mean by supervision?

how can adults be supervised?

A few helicopter parents have totally outed themselves as such on this thread! Thankfully the majority are sane. Reminds me of that old sit com with Timothy and mummy not cutting the apron strings!

OP's DH called the parents and it was still not good enough for them.

They are completely OTT.

"One day the table will be reversed" - what does that even mean in this scenario?

Some of these replies are so odd.

You could have just rang with your number blocked. It would have been done in 2 minutes. Who knows the reasons. Maybe this girl was raped. Maybe her mother got molested at age 19 at an unsupervised backyard party. Maybe the mum know that her kid is not to be trusted. Maybe mum is a helicopter mum

@SparklyBlackKitten you didn't read the bit where OP's DH rang the parents then?

And it wasn't good enough?

You're off the mark here.

Eight ‘TEEN

still technically a teenager.

I can’t see the issue of a parent wanting to check their adult child is safe.

I can’t see the issue of a parent wanting to check their adult child is safe.

Everyone wants to know their child is safe.

You ring them and ask them.

I can’t see the issue of a parent wanting to check their adult child is safe.

but this adult - and I suspect it is a woman because people are quicker to infantilise women - is nearly twenty.

that’s second year at university - or two years out in the working work - or working overseas - or being a soldier on active duty.

yes of course parents will still worry about their adult children. The majority don’t expect parties to have parental supervision and do t expect to check in with other parents to establish their adult child’s whereabouts and activities.

this is an adult woman who is old enough to be married, have children, live independently, have full time employment etc etc.

ADULT

As I said-the parents are clearly bonkers, or neurotic or SOMETHING. But if it meant NF could come to the party without any hassle, I'd have been happy to ring the mum and say "Yep-alls well. It's not an illegal rave- I know they're in my field." Of course you shouldn't HAVE to- but I don't see why it's a problem.

I would inform NF's parentsL

"We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. My kids are using it to host their friends (outside of public use) .

As they are all adults over 18, I will not be present or supervising the gathering and there will (or won't) be public liability insurance cover. HTH".

Because then they have your number. Because then they assume you're taking responsibility.

The OP said that the NF's parent didn't just want to know where they were but what they were doing and what time they were coming home. That's not information she can provide and nor should she have to. It's not a normal amount of information for anyone to ask another parent of a young adult.

@TooJoy My maternal grandparents were incredibly strict. In turn, my mother did the same to me and my two brothers, because she is a narcissists whose whole parenting trope was 'I had a shit childhood, why shouldn't you?'.

She treated (still treats) me like a dumb idiot who was dropped on my head as a child ... even though NOTHING I have done in my adult life has given her reason to do so. I wasn't the fucking idiot who thought (for no good reason) that I couldn't get pregnant, had unprotected sex with someone I'd only known a couple of months and then ended up knocked up and having to marry him (because I was a good Catholic girl, dontcha know)...all within the same year. She also found out when they went to marry that my father was 5 years younger than her (he lied about his age). He was 18 when they met, 19 when they married. He turned 20 the day after my older brother was born.

Don't even start me on the fact that my father didn't actually want kids in the first place and ended up with 3 before he finally got the snip...they were shit parents who should never have had kids in the first place.

I still find that she thought I'd be as fucking stupid as her and be knocked up by my first boyfriend really fucking insulting.

And that's fine if you'd want to do that, but the other things you've said are still wrong. They are expecting OP to take responsibility, they've asked those questions because they want answers and there's no basis at all for your claim that it'll all be fine if she does what you say here.

There's also the question of whether it's a good idea for her to give her phone number to people this controlling and unreasonable.

How are you expecting OP to find out what time NF will be going home?

I hope that poster doesn't have adult children!

Some of you don’t have teenagers who went away to university and it shows!
They go off at EIGHTEEN (!!) sometimes miles away to do the course they want. Hopefully you’ve raised a sensible one. Mine checks in regularly and keeps me updated. I don’t know her every move. She has gone weekends to stay with other uni friends in their home towns and she’ll tell me where she’s going but I’m not phoning their parents to check. How utterly mortifying. If I am concerned about an event, I trust her and hope I’ve raised her to be sensible and to share information with me in case of an emergency. She usually does tell me (as far as I know) and we discuss it and make sure she’s aware of how to get hold of someone if needed.
I consider myself quite an anxious parent but no way am I hindering my teen from spreading her wings. My anxiety is not her problem! I spent 18 years encouraging her to be sensible and have fun but be safe and that she can always trust me. I want her to know I won’t be angry and she can tell me anything and I’ll be there to help. If I put such ridiculous boundaries in place, I worry she’d go off and not tell me and start to lie and potentially put herself at risk. You have to trust them and trust yourself that you raised a capable and independent young adult.

Quite, @Teder - that was pretty much what I wrote upthread about mine! Very true.

There are some truly batshit people on this thread, whose children will likely be in therapy by the time they’re 25.

Yep. Mine still lives at home, but he knows he can talk to me and tell me things and I will be there if I have to. Even with regards to drinking when he was younger, I told him that while I would rather he didn’t drink when under age, if he ever had, he needed to tell me so that if he was ill I would know. And the same would apply to drugs. I know he doesn’t take them, and neither have I given him the green light to, but he knows that he could tell me if he was in trouble.

Invariably I know where he is, the idea that I start demanding parents ring me to tell me that they’re supervising my (adult) child is quite frankly bonkers.

I think both your posts are spot on. Despite what some may think I am not immune to worry.

Unfortunately it isn't the best update, NFs parents turned up about an hour after DH had spoken to them and demanded that NF went home or they would call the police. NF didn't go home and is still here (about half the number from Friday were planning on staying tonight anyway) I have no idea if they called the police.
I don't think I will be updating again, I've told dc/NF I asked for advice on here and that if they rather I will ask for it to be deleted.