To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

They don’t need to know, but if they want to find anything out, they should ask their own daughter. It’s up to her if she furnishes them with information.

They should not demand answers from her friends parents.

Everyone has to cut the apron strings at some point.

I would probably have given them a call. I would assume they were bonkers, or hyper anxious or something. It would ease their minds, let NF come to the party and involve no effort on my part. Where's the harm?

I know people say that young adults live at home longer because they can't afford to save for a mortgage and renting is beneath them. But some of the responses here shows that it could also be because many don't seem to treat their adult children like adults. I have a friend whose daughter went to Paris with friends as a 21 year old for a weekend. She was beside herself with worry and needed constant updates from her very capable, graduate daughter.

It wouldn’t actually be helping though, it’s enabling and continuing the behaviour, and in this case they’re 19/20

It seems to have become so uncool to be even remotely concerned about teens/young adult family members.

I think you could have sent a message stating the facts - your field so no trespassing taking place and toilet facilities etc, not within sight, no supervision or monitoring of activities as all present are 18-21 and adult.

Well stop hosting them on your property then.

@Meeting why should OP stop adults camping on her property?

NF's parents are ridiculous. OP's DH called them and it was still not enough for them. I do feel sorry for NF.

Why should she stop hosting groups of adults?

But they got an answer- the host’s Dad spoke to them on the phone from the campsite and the parents did not trust that he was actually the Dad.

Because as the owner and the one facilitating the party, it's unreasonable that she's not willing to accept any responsibility for what is going on.

But I have no idea what time they will be back, why would I. The people attending are all 18+, they will come and go as they please.

No known cultural reason, my children have friends that wouldn't attend an alcohol party and that is perfectly fine, they just do different things with them.

The location thing and tracking maybe an issue that I hadn't thought of. Only WiFi signal is around the shower block/main gate area so only contactable when close by.

No update, don't know if NF stayed, when I went passed some lads were still up chatting but most asleep.

@Elfidela1980 I have really thought about your post. I do want NF to have a chance.

I would give them a call, explain that as the site owner you do understand that you have a “duty of care” for those camping there but that’s as far as your responsibility goes.

@Meeting she never said she was facilitating the party. If NF's parents don't want their adult DC to go camping, it's something they have to talk about with their DC. OP is not facilitating any play dates, these are adults camping.

I would be terrified if my parents did this when I was 19. Completely out of order.

She has no responsibility for adults though! Beyond meeting whatever legal requirements there are for safety as the field’s owner or whatever.

That doesn't explain why they expected to be told what time NF was going to be back next day.

That specific request means they're expecting a level of supervision and taking charge from OP. There's no other explanation and no way round it. There is no way OP could answer that question without assuming a lot of control, and none of the alternative explanations or justifications have addressed that expectation.

The most she could possibly do without taking responsibility is to say I've told them to be off by 2pm cos I want the plot then, or similar. And that's a different question, because where NF goes then isn't up to OP.

How can you say she has no responsibility whilst acknowledging that she indeed does have a legal duty of care?

Do you like feeling that someone has to be ‘responsible’ for you? Does it make you feel safe?

Can you see that others don’t need this and your circumstances have caused you to need to be taken care of at all times?

I just feel so, so sorry for this adult New Friend. I hope they have the courage to tell their parents what's what and, in future, refuse to give any info about their whereabouts. Parents, please treat your fellow adults with respect - even if they are your own kids.

I camped a lot in my late teens. My parents would never have dreamed of calling the campsite owners! Half the time they didn’t even know I was camping. I was an adult.

I also went to Australia and America at 19.

again - adults are allowed to do things without parental interference.

@Meeting if you went away this weekend would you be happy if your mum called the owners of the camp site/ hotel to check that it was safe?

How do OPs legal duties as the owner of the site pertain to either the questions from NFs parents or OPs response? As it's a legal question, the answer will need to include relevant legislation, policy, case law or something of that nature. Can't be vibes based.

Because those are two different things.

She needs to make sure the bull isn't in the field, and that they aren't shooting in the next field. That's her legal duty of care.

She doesn't know if/what they'll be drinking or what time they plan to leave. Responsibility. If I was having ten-year-olds camping in my field I would be there with a tent as well, or at the very least periodically checking then bringing them home/setting an end time. That seems to be what NF's parents want.

The legal duty of care (to ensure that the site is safe) is not the same as taking responsibility for any legal activities a group of adults may be carrying out.

It certainly doesn’t mean she has a responsibility to check that an adult is doing what their parents are telling them.

Surely an important point is that if the parents of every young adult coming did this, then the OP would have a full day of admin ahead of her just to let her kids have a gathering! The parents of this young person are behaving in a way that assumes their son/daughter is special, or that the OP has infinite time on her hands, or both. That’s what would annoy me, even if they were all under 18!

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, why should it? Just like when I go on holiday I call my parents to let them know we've landed.