To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

@Meeting but this man's parents have said he can only stay if the OP give an itinerary etc. what if when your mum called the hotel you were staying in and said you couldn't stay as it wasn't to her satisfaction. Is that ok or would you overrule her, being a grown up and all.

I’m with you OP, there was no need for you to feel any obligation to reassure the parents of another adult. I would have handled it as you have, we need to stop facilitating the infantilisation of the late teens / early 20s, it’s rife.

I'm a married woman, I think you mean my husband not my mother in that situation

A lot of adults call their family to say they have landed - my parents call me to tell me they are on the tarmac.

but honestly - would you think it was normal for your parents to call the hotel you are staying at to check it’s safe and ask when you will checking out? That is just incredibly odd.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, why should it? Just like when I go on holiday I call my parents to let them know we've landed.

😂 it's so not the same.

If it was, NF would have just texted her parents she was at the party. And they would have said " have a lovely time"

Do your parents call the hotel manager and ask them to confirm what you are doing whilst you are there?

I do think that a lot of parents thinks that 19 is very young. That it is basically a child. That is how i see parents treat 19 year olds.

I guess they are still teenagers.

*I do think that a lot of parents thinks that 19 is very young. That it is basically a child. That is how i see parents treat 19 year olds.

I guess they are still teenagers.*

Yep and it's all part of the letting go.
It's part of parenting.

This did make me laugh.

For those saying about staying in a field, there is music, dancing, food and a room for football etc
There is precious little for young adults to do around here. If we lived closer they would probably have gone to a club/bar crawl but transport costs make it a very expensive night.

I think alot of parents see their babies as babies forever.

My mother rang me and a friend when I was at a party, to see where I was and if I was okay
when I was 31.
It was so embarassing.

🤣

What are you doing there, is the pool safe, can you let me know when Meeting comes home, what will be for breakfast, can you tell me how much Minute ate? Have they had a poo today?

These parents sound like hassle of one form or another and sorry to say that it's probably better if NF doesn't come.

@NotMyResponsibility My parents (more my mother) did act like this...it was so fucking embarrassing. Right up until I left home at 21 (to get married...the only 'acceptable' way for a 'good Catholic' girl to leave, apparently) I wasn't allowed to stay out overnight, wasn't allowed a key to the house...they had to know where I was/who I was with/what time I'd be home, 24/7. I was forced to attend Mass every Sunday (didn't help the church was directly across the road from the house).

Found out when my parents separated (while I was on honeymoon) they were complete and utter hypocrites - my mother was 3 months pregnant with my older brother when they married. That was 34 years ago and I'm still angry about it.

My adult dc is hosting them. They live here, they organised it and set it up and will be responsible for clearing it all up afterwards, including the toilets. Because they are adults.

(To a pp, I did used to camp in the field and supervise them when they were children)

Still no update about NF, I'm going out now but will update when I find out (as I hate threads that don't.)

This thread is bonkers the number of people telling op she could have "just texted" the parents, why? And give these bonkers controlling people her number so they could text/ring for them to check on an adult? She wasn't having a 6 year old over for the night she allowed her adult kids to use their land to have a party. The 19 year old could have texted her own parents if they contacted her, she isn't a little girl who can't use a phone. It's like ringing a night club and asking that they send you updates on what a young adult is up to. Madness, you have to let go sometime. Poor girl having to live like this when she's an adult, how embarrassing.

I think this is common. My sister had a friend whose mum never wanted her to go out. She came into my work to have a go that I’d taken them out at 18 and bought us all cocktails.

Turns out the person who the friend thinks is her dad, isn’t her dad, and her mum had got pregnant at 15 to an unknown person, so her answer was to keep her DC on lockdown.

I know lots of vulnerable 19 year olds that would not be able to keep themselves safe in certain situations.

Some of their parents are willing to let them do whatever they want but some try their best to keep them safe.

Some adults will never be fully independent due to their vulnerabilities.

OP - 100% agree with your approach to this situation, when someone turns 18 the are an adult. NF parents sound very odd and controlling tbh, makes you wonder what they are like behind closed doors. there was no need to put this on you and your DH.

Good parents do not infantilise their adult children!

But there’s no indication from OP that NF is vulnerable.

And if they are, and need help, why aren’t the parents contacting the adults that are actually with NF? And why wasn’t conversation with OP’s DH good enough?

This seems more like controlling parents rather than support of a vulnerable adult.

I assume you work in mental health - most people don’t know any 19 year olds who can’t keep themselves safe and who will never be able to live independently.

yes I know 19 year olds who are youthful and take risks that I wouldn’t take. But that is normal. I know 19 years who drink a lot more than I do and who experiment with drugs.
But that doesn’t make them vulnerable - it makes them human.

however even when dealing with vulnerable adults - surely the parents of other adults should not be involved? Social workers and mental health professionals should be brought in to work with the vulnerable adult to build resilience and provide advice to the young adult - not their parents

Well that's for the family to sort out @TooJoy then. But it has nothing to do with the OP. She is not acting in loco parentis for other people's young adult children.

There is nothing to indicate the adult is vulnerable and even if they were, not down to OP to be responsible.

It sounds like they were stricter because her parents weren’t.

I was allowed to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

From the age of 4 my mum couldn’t tell you where I was most of the time and I’d have meals at random peoples homes.

I lost my virginity at 12 by a man 3x my age and was regularly doing drugs and getting drunk in a field.
I sometimes had sex with multiple boys/men a night.

I (fortunately for me) got pregnant as a teen which made me see how wrong some of my behaviour was.

But it’s also made me more overprotective as a parent.

My DD is 15 and whilst her friends are all out saying they’re doing one thing and getting pissed and having sex with random men, I am still insisting on wanting to know who’s house she is going etc.

I of course have had to loosen the reins as she’s gotten older but she’s also autistic which makes her more vulnerable.

If some random man told her to get in his car, she would because her NT brain cannot assess danger.

I work with autistic teens and it’s awful but sometimes they’re invited to places because they’re so vulnerable - boys/men know they can coerce them into sex, some people think it’s funny to get them to do dares, they’re invited just for a laugh/to be bullied etc.

This NF could also be vulnerable in some way and her parents just want to try and keep her safe.

Baffling the number of posters defending the frankly insane behaviour of the neurotic parents.

No but out of decency I would let the other parents know that there will be no parental supervision.