To have refused to talk to this parent/give them my number?

[NotMyResponsibility]

Nc as pretty outing.

We have a field/campsite that is open to the public July-Aug but that family/youth groups etc use outside of this time, it has toilets, showers, large open barn and picnic tables but that's about it, very rural so noise isn't an issue. None of this is relevant but I know if it don't provide all information I will get posts asking for it.

Tonight my older children are having a camp out party as a joint birthday. Youngest being my DD who will be 18 later this month. Everyone else 18-21. I can't see the field from my home ( I can hear the music)

New friend (NF) who is 19 nearly 20, not met before. My DC has said that NF can only stay if I speak to NFs parents and confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

I have refused. Firstly I don't think pandering to such a request is helpful for anyone- this NF is an adult, it is up to NF to communicate/deal with it. But mainly I have no idea what is happening. Copious alcohol and vapes I should imagine (they know if I find out drugs are used I would stop all future camps- I don't condone copious alcohol or vapes but they are not illegal for 18+) but I'm not responsible for adults.

AIBU to refuse?

Totally different circumstances to OP.

But they can’t ‘keep her safe’ by trying to make other adults responsible for her. That’s not the answer.

Why would there be parental supervision of adults?

@TooJoy why would there be parental supervision? Why couldn't the 19 year old tell their own parents there isn't any supervision?

Visions of op hiding behind a tree in the dark and flinging herself on the NF as she reaches for a forbidden drink / vape!

Toojoy your post though sad is irrelevant here. There is a vast gulf between young teen and 19. I physically followed my 13 year old and her friends round a small festival we go to this year at 14 I didn’t bother but gave them ground rules and periodically checked in.

Well they didn’t actually ask if there was parental supervision.

They just wanted to know where it was and what time she was expecting to be back.
Which if it was me, I would be happy to tell them about.

But it’s also made me more overprotective as a parent.

My DD is 15 and whilst her friends are all out saying they’re doing one thing and getting pissed and having sex with random men, I am still insisting on wanting to know who’s house she is going etc.

Most 15 year olds here aren't doing this either - and I want to know roughly were they are are who they are with at 15 even at 17 but I trust them to tell me and behave themselves.

This situation here is about a 19 year old a legal adult under UK law very different from a 15 year old.

My parents would have told you they were doing it for me - it made me more vulnerable when I did leave home because I didn't develop the street smart skills at same age as peers because I was so over protected - and as both my siblings have ended up in abusive relationships I do wonder if they were damaged as well though they left well before I did - I accepted the limitations focused on the future and got far away as soon as properly could.

How would the Ok know if the teen,s sugars were going low ,I do understand my 16 yr old was critically ill in intensive care in February after going into DKA, ( we had no.idea he had diabetes)
he now has a Dexcom,it's r really hard for me not to be overprotective ,but it's not the I Op,a place to be in charge of the NF,s blood sugars.

@toojoy but how would OP know when NF expected to be back? Nothing to do with her!

Yeah, they did. Because they asked questions that could only be answered if there was going to be supervision. Especially the one about what time their daughter will be back. The OP can't possibly answer that one otherwise- it's a different question to what time do you expect them to leave.

But then surely she’d just say that on the phone?
That she won’t be having anything to do with it but it is her field that she owns.

It may seem strange to you but many of the parents of teens/young adults I work with would have to do similar things.

Count yourself lucky that your children can go out without you worrying.

@TooJoy but why couldn't they ask their 19 year old when they're coming home? Why does a third party need to tell them that? Especially nowadays with mobile phones.

You are missing the point. Adults don’t require parental supervision and the parents of other adults are not responsible for this for their adult children friends.

Yeah, this. The straining to make it seem fine for OP to ‘just answer the questions’ is ridiculous

It may seem strange to you but many of the parents of teens/young adults I work with would have to do similar things.

No. They don’t have to. They choose to.

It isn’t for one parent of an adult child to try and make another parent of an adult child responsible.

However vulnerable a 19 year old adult might be, and there's no indication that's the case here, it's never going to be a good idea to try and transfer responsibility for them to the mother of their friend who you've never met and without explaining why they're vulnerable.

There is no backstory any of you can come up with that will make that course of action legitimate.

@TooJoy , I'll never stop thinking about and caring for my adult DC. They went to university at 18, miles away from home. We had to trust that our parenting had enabled them to be able to cope, or to ask for relevant support in any situation.
I have no idea what time they went to bed. Or got up. If they missed lectures, got drunk, who knows. If they camped in a field, if they went to festivals. They are now much older and clearly unscathed. So whatever happened, they dealt with.

confirm that it is OK and where NF is/what NF will be doing/when NF will be home.

They’re not asking for OP to be responsible though.

They’re asking the above to confirm whether OP has actually said it’s ok and where she is etc.

All OP has to do is say is that it’s ok with her to use her field but she’s having no input whatsoever.

I personally would have no issues letting a parent know that I’ve given permission for them to use my property and that I will not be having anything else to do with it.

Seems like OP's DH did speak to the parents as requested.

It wasn't good enough.

I think that puts this into perspective. It wasn't just a reassuring word that was needed as some are suggesting. These parents are out of the average ball park.

Well yes everything is a choice, even basic parenting of babies and toddlers.

And they’re not trying to make another parent responsible and if they are that’s even more of a reason to ring them and say you won’t be held responsible.

As previously explained, yes they are. Because that's the only way all those questions could be answered. She couldn't say what they're going to be doing or what time NF will be home tomorrow if she weren't taking some responsibility.

The bit about all OP needs to do is say she's not having else to do with it is an invention from you. They've asked those questions because they want them answered.

No, it's giving the young adult a chance to spread their wings a bit and enjoy some normal social activities.

The parents aren't going to be magically fixed and the friend magically freed by the OP saying no.

Breaking out takes time, and the motivation of their actually being benefits to breaking out.

Which is exactly why, if I was OP, I would confirm that it was her field and she has given them all permission.
But she will not be there or be having anything to do with it.

That is not taking on any responsibility, it’s doing the opposite and telling them she’ll be having no responsibility.

I personally would have no issue doing this but if you would then that’s fine.

I wholeheartedly agree with the OP, and really admire her boundaries.

Pandering to overprotective parents of an adult is absolutely insane.

No - she wanted the hotel staff to tell her daughter off.