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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or the DH?

167 replies

CleanCar · 02/06/2023 12:10

I’ve written this on here because idk if its AIBU or relationships.

is this normal? Im thinking of leaving DH after a long marriage and putting up with this.

AIBU - its me, i need to work on my marriage more/suck it up/its normal or
AiNBU to leave and end it and be happy

drinking
One day off per week 4-6 cans per night, more at weekends
spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
enjoys going to the football and having drinks with the lads
prioritises going out at weekends/mini lads nights away over saving for family holidays
regularly leaves me short on bills - last month £150. We earn the same yet hes never got any money. Currently no summer holiday booked as we dont have enough to pay for one. I could move my savings around to afford one for me and kids but feel like why should i include him when he doesn’t save!
gets angry when relaxing at weekend and drinking/watching sport. Shouts, wants quiet (we have young kids), slams doors. Drinks around lunchtime on a weekend until 10pm
doesnt go out with the kids eg park/football/walk unless a pub involved

money
Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol. Not around to help with kids in morning. Does not help with kids at night. Does bare minimum and tbh i feel they dont like him/theyve said that. We keep separate finances (always have) although earn similar not big money but average

sex
No sex life. Not had sex for over a year. Ick feeling. Cannot see us having sex again but he would love to and regularly trys to initiate. Has previous for sex pest behaviour

no ambition never has had. Wants a nice house etc but doesn’t want to get a better more pay job role. Most likely thinks i should do it all on top of everything else! I clean, shop, organise all kids activities. Taxi them around as we live remote and no public transport for the older one (year 9) to see their mates. I dont mind and would rather drop them/pick up to check they are safe. He has an issue with this and often belittles me being a taxi and pandering to them but hes always drinking so i cant ask him to do it. Sometimes ill get back eg pick up 930pm and the youngest two are still up, DH asleep in bed snoring and ive got to put them to bed, do pack ups for next day etc. it’s exhausting! Pissed off with it all. I feel like im already a single parent 😤

OP posts:
stayathomer · 02/06/2023 12:11

Op if you’re even thinking about it then it means something needs to change and you both need to talk. Best of luck x

Hazelnuttella · 02/06/2023 12:12

I can’t see that he’s bringing anything to the table, so yes you probably would be better off alone.

There’s no point you trying/working on the marriage when it’s him that’s the problem.

Elevel · 02/06/2023 12:13

Your last sentence sums it up. It's easy to see quite early on in your post that YANBU. It sounds like your life would be easier if you actually were a single parent.

Hankunamatata · 02/06/2023 12:14

Drinking would be a huge no for me

Tinkerbyebye · 02/06/2023 12:15

Why do 13% think his behaviour did ok!

Hazelnuttella · 02/06/2023 12:16

Tinkerbyebye · 02/06/2023 12:15

Why do 13% think his behaviour did ok!

Maybe they’re voting that OP had been unreasonable to put up with it for so long!

Cosycover · 02/06/2023 12:16

It sounds like you would be better off without him. He brings nothing to your life.

Stratocumulus · 02/06/2023 12:18

He’s acting like an immature selfish lad, a batchelor with benefits.
You are a single parent.
Get yourself outta there. Do it soon. Summer’s here. It’s a good time to plan and upsticks.

HappySonHappyMum · 02/06/2023 12:18

Not even sure why you're asking to be honest - if you want someone else to tell you it's OK to put yourself and your kids before this alcoholic non-parent I will - LTB!

onlythe · 02/06/2023 12:24

Aside from finances it sounds like you wouldn't be worse off being a single parent and you'd probably have less (rightful) resentment, work and stress.

CurlyQueues · 02/06/2023 12:26

Think what bliss life would be without that millstone around your neck. You're already doing everything anyway, you just won't have him, his drinking and moods on your mind.

Blossomtoes · 02/06/2023 12:27

The alcohol would be enough for me, let alone all the rest.

Hellno45 · 02/06/2023 12:30

You need to leave and priorities yourself and the kids. Does he actually bring anything positive to the table? He sounds like a waste of space.

RandomMess · 02/06/2023 12:33

Why are you still there?

There doesn't seem to be any point to him being there tbh. Some financial contribution but nothing else.

MaterialGirl1978 · 02/06/2023 12:34

I am sorry to even ask but how does a marriage get to such stage? I am twice divorced, so I know you can marry a wrong one but this sounds like it’s been going on for years…

LittleOwl153 · 02/06/2023 12:39

What's the housing situation?
I'd leave - or kick him out. He clearly doesn't want a family.

With 3 kids on an average wage you'd probably get some benefits and his maintenance would probably cover what he bothers to contribute to the household. Why do men like this have families?!?

Imogensmumma · 02/06/2023 12:43

Did I accidentally write this post in my sleep… was nodding along with every point op, same as my “partner”

You have a freeloading man child who expects you to be his mummy and do everything for him, then he will question why you have the ick!!

I’m all for gender equality but men who don’t have ambition to help their family are extremely unattractive.

There is no coming back from the ick so I would get your ducks in a row.

All the best OP

TheStrangestTimes · 02/06/2023 12:44

He needs to leave. He's just a (drunk, selfish) meat-suit that's in the way, isn't he? You'll be less stressed and have a nicer life without him. Sounds like your children will, too.

FloydPepper · 02/06/2023 12:47

From your list there’s 1 thing where he’s not an arse (works away so has petrol costs) and 100 where he is.

Beadyeyes91 · 02/06/2023 12:47

I assume the 2% who think you're being unreasonable are men who behave in the same vein!

Ponoka7 · 02/06/2023 12:49

Has he developed into an alcoholic over the last few years? (seeing as you have multiple children) If he won't address that, you need to end your marriage. You need to start with legal advice. Then work out the practicalities. Be prepared to call the police, because I doubt that he will easily accept this.

caringcarer · 02/06/2023 12:53

Hazelnuttella · 02/06/2023 12:16

Maybe they’re voting that OP had been unreasonable to put up with it for so long!

Show quote history

It absolutely must be that. You are already a single parent to your DC and he adds nothing to your or their lives. I'd bin him off.

BeverlyHa · 02/06/2023 12:55

He has signed off the marriage and the fatherhood ...not good. Not a man who loves his kids or wife

Ragruggers · 02/06/2023 12:58

This sounds like a horrible life for you and the children.Do you own or rent,are there savings in your name? Finish it now this will get worseGreat that you work so you are in a good position.Start looking at how being alone with the children will work.Enough is enough.I can’t imagine what your life is like with an alcoholic who spends all the money leaving you short for the bills.I would be running very fast and saving your children from living with this awful person.Good luck you can live a better peaceful life free from this behaviour.

ididntknowthat11 · 02/06/2023 12:59

Omg, leave.

Fuck that, what an absolute burden. Get rid, move on.