Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or the DH?

167 replies

CleanCar · 02/06/2023 12:10

I’ve written this on here because idk if its AIBU or relationships.

is this normal? Im thinking of leaving DH after a long marriage and putting up with this.

AIBU - its me, i need to work on my marriage more/suck it up/its normal or
AiNBU to leave and end it and be happy

drinking
One day off per week 4-6 cans per night, more at weekends
spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
enjoys going to the football and having drinks with the lads
prioritises going out at weekends/mini lads nights away over saving for family holidays
regularly leaves me short on bills - last month £150. We earn the same yet hes never got any money. Currently no summer holiday booked as we dont have enough to pay for one. I could move my savings around to afford one for me and kids but feel like why should i include him when he doesn’t save!
gets angry when relaxing at weekend and drinking/watching sport. Shouts, wants quiet (we have young kids), slams doors. Drinks around lunchtime on a weekend until 10pm
doesnt go out with the kids eg park/football/walk unless a pub involved

money
Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol. Not around to help with kids in morning. Does not help with kids at night. Does bare minimum and tbh i feel they dont like him/theyve said that. We keep separate finances (always have) although earn similar not big money but average

sex
No sex life. Not had sex for over a year. Ick feeling. Cannot see us having sex again but he would love to and regularly trys to initiate. Has previous for sex pest behaviour

no ambition never has had. Wants a nice house etc but doesn’t want to get a better more pay job role. Most likely thinks i should do it all on top of everything else! I clean, shop, organise all kids activities. Taxi them around as we live remote and no public transport for the older one (year 9) to see their mates. I dont mind and would rather drop them/pick up to check they are safe. He has an issue with this and often belittles me being a taxi and pandering to them but hes always drinking so i cant ask him to do it. Sometimes ill get back eg pick up 930pm and the youngest two are still up, DH asleep in bed snoring and ive got to put them to bed, do pack ups for next day etc. it’s exhausting! Pissed off with it all. I feel like im already a single parent 😤

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 02/06/2023 13:03

spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
regularly leaves me short on bills

^ Thats enough of a reason to leave if ^you need a reason. Which you don't, you can leave for no reason if you want. If he's not one already then he's a budding alcoholic.

Pallisers · 02/06/2023 13:10

I'm surprised you have to ask. Life is too short for that.

pointythings · 02/06/2023 13:10

The only unreasonable thing would be to stay. The drinking alone would decide it for me.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/06/2023 13:15

You should have left him years ago. Stop allowing your children to live with an abusive alcoholic.

Original poster
CleanCar · 02/06/2023 13:21

I think his drinking has slowly crept up over the years. When we first met we were out socialising with friends on weekends and i used to drink too. I dont really anymore as it just doesn’t bother me. I prefer being sober of course for the kids. Hes always drank a lot. When ive talked about it over the years he will tell me he drinks average what others do. Im making a problem out of nothing etc. hes turned it into me “always bringing up his drinking” but thats a massive part of the issue here!! It feels like hes gaslighting me as i know how much hes drank and when we talk about it, he swears blind hes drank less. I feel i cannot have friends/kids friends over spontaneously as i dont know if hes home etc. were at the point where i live my own life and hes like a lodger i want gone. If we went to a family party (my side) i would feel embarrassed over how much he drinks and him saying things embarrassing. My side dont drink a lot. Whereas his side are all drinkers except his mum will pull him up on drinking as she sees it. I tend to go to family/friends events alone with kids and leave him at home drinking. He knows the reason but isnt bothered/thinks im OTT.

ive talked about ending the marriage but its almost like he wont let me. He feels the issues are mine and hes a normal bloke. He loves me and i wont find anyone else who loves me like him etc

OP posts:
mrlistersgelfbride · 02/06/2023 13:27

YANBU. It sounds absolutely awful. Is he your kids dad?

geekone · 02/06/2023 13:29

He doesn’t love you. You make his life easier by being around. He thinks that’s love.

You are essentially a single parent. Get your ducks in a row and LTB

BatshitCrazyWoman · 02/06/2023 13:34

The drinking alone would bother me a lot. I divorced a man whose drinking was problematic. I also used to avoid any kind of socialising with him because he would get pissed and belligerent (and do things like shove his hand down my top/up my dress).

He's making your life harder and not really adding anything good to it.

Joeylove88 · 02/06/2023 13:38

This is a no brainer OP. You already sound like you really don't want to be with him anymore and I don't blame you. Drinks too much, selfish, lazy, no longer sexually attractive. The drinking alone would do it for me I wouldn't put up with it at all. He sounds completely alcohol dependent and it's ruining your entire family dynamic even your children say they don't like their dad. YANBU to break it off and do this alone as you pretty much already are! You and your children deserve better. Good luck.

CurlyQueues · 02/06/2023 13:43

Beware the man who blames you for his actions.

ValerieDoonican · 02/06/2023 13:43

Youll probably need to movero somewhere more convenient ly located if you split. But the drinking is likely just to get worse and worse. So in your shoes I would want out as well.

Original poster
CleanCar · 02/06/2023 13:53

Some examples of him being a nob:

we went on holiday last year and he spent the time drinking. As it was so hot during the day we could only go to the beach later in the day. He came once with us and even then bought beers. Theres me struggling with the kids and hes no fucking help.

we went to my sisters wedding year before last. He got pissed and started on the best man making derogatory comments. He has a chip on his shoulder that others are “better” than him. This guy is really successful and not flashy at all. Lovely guy. I was mortified. I just wanted to go home. Really spoilt my day. Utter embarrassment.

when i was pregnant he wouldnt stay sober in final weeks to be on call for trips to hospital. I joked id be driving myself 🤦🏻‍♀️

My oldest child is vaping. Im trying to tell him all the reasons why he shouldnt etc. meanwhile all kids are telling me dads started vaping. He swears blind hes not but it falls out his pocket/can smell hes doing it in the house. Its like pissing in the wind. An extra child. We don’t work as a team.

if hes been cooking dinner, without asking if we want it or not, we have different tastes in food, if oldest doesn’t want it or me, he will start f-ing and blinding. Calling “That little shit…”
if hes spent a long time on a sunday (with his family over) and cooking sunday dinner whilst drinking all day, by the time hes come to serve it up, hes put it in dishes but if something is burnt/not gone to plan, hes shouting at me

called me a “stupid fucking bitch” when he blew up over me asking why he had not done the washing up one time. The kids/whole street must have heard

its just not normal is it in a relationship

OP posts:
Kitkatfiend31 · 02/06/2023 13:54

He's an alcoholic and your kids don't need to grow up around that. Leave for them and for you. It isn't your job to babysit him which is what you are doing.

nutbrownhare15 · 02/06/2023 13:58

So he's verbally abusive. I'd give women's aid a call to talk through the exit strategy and also seek legal advice. You can do this OP. None of this is normal or acceptable.

Hellno45 · 02/06/2023 14:02

@CleanCar surely you'd be better single than living with this waste of space. He's not a partner. He's a drunk. He brings nothing to the table. He's an embarrassment
He's a shit father and a poor example to your kids. I'd prefer to be single forever. You'll have less work picking up after him and probably a netter social life.

billyt · 02/06/2023 14:09

@CleanCar

What a sad life for you and your children.

He drinks way, way more than the average bloke. I like a beer but not in the amounts, and the monotonous regularity, your waste of a 'partner' does. I might have a beer tonight after finishing work and maybe another watching football tomorrow. But I doubt I'll have any more until next weekend, if then.

And if I don't have any in I don't bother making a special trip to buy more, I'll pick some up next time I'm in the shops.

You need to do something soon as this is going to get worse.

Good luck raising the bar.

Lovelock1984 · 02/06/2023 14:32

Honestly he gets worse and worse the more you reveal. Def leave - what does he actually bring to your life apart from aggro? You deserve better than him.

dottiedodah · 02/06/2023 14:33

When you say he wont let you divorce him ,he hasnt any say! You need to speak to a Solicitor ASAP ,and get ducks in a row! You are an SP with an extra large useless ,and abusive 3rd person (Not a partner!) He wont leave as it suits him ,However fairly sure Solicitor will be able to force a sale, and start divorce proceedings . Check this out and make urgent appt

SamW98 · 02/06/2023 14:36

Think you already know the answer OP.

If you’re staying because of the kids then please don’t. Get them away from this unhealthy environment

AcrossthePond55 · 02/06/2023 14:41

@CleanCar

Ive talked about ending the marriage but its almost like he wont let me.
How is he 'not letting you'? I'm being serious. If you want to end the marriage (and I certainly would) exactly what is he doing to stop you? Is it finances? Is it 'guilting you'? Are you afraid of him? Because you can leave, no matter what he says or does.

There may be challenges, you may not come out of it completely unscathed, you may even have to reduce your lifestyle. But you will be happy and you will have dropped a HUGE emotional weight off your shoulders. You will be free to order your life as you see fit. I'd suggest that you see a solicitor to see what you might expect in a divorce. Know your options.

He feels the issues are mine and hes a normal bloke.
They aren't and he isn't. The 'issues' are that he's a shit and 'normal' blokes don't drink to the point of negatively affecting their families.

He loves me and i wont find anyone else who loves me like him etc
No he doesn't and yes you will, if that's what you want. But who says you'll even want someone else in your life? Many women lead perfectly wonderful lives without a man. Being 'coupled up' is not the end all and be all of life.

Igmum · 02/06/2023 14:54

Agree with everyone else on here OP. It isn't you, it's him 100%. Neither you nor your kids need to live with an addict. Get him out now. It will be so much better

Hoppinggreen · 02/06/2023 14:56

From your post I can’t really see the point of him

HalliwellManor · 02/06/2023 14:59

It is psychologically damaging to children to grow up in a household with a parent with a drinking problem and they will follow those children into adulthood and affect them for the rest of their lives.
If you don't leave him for you,please do it for the sake of your children.
I speak from bitter experience.

FloweryWowery · 02/06/2023 15:02

I'd make my plans to leave. If you have thought things through, hopefully you will feel more in control. He doesn't need to be part of this process and he doesn't need to agree you should separate. If you're waiting for a grown up conversation you'll be waiting forever.

newtb · 02/06/2023 15:05

I'd hope and pray to God that you wouldn't find anyone else to 'love' you the way he does. He's an abusive alcoholic.
Get rid asap and live your best life with your DC.