Me or the DH?

[CleanCar]

I’ve written this on here because idk if its AIBU or relationships.

is this normal? Im thinking of leaving DH after a long marriage and putting up with this.

AIBU - its me, i need to work on my marriage more/suck it up/its normal or
AiNBU to leave and end it and be happy

drinking
One day off per week 4-6 cans per night, more at weekends
spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
enjoys going to the football and having drinks with the lads
prioritises going out at weekends/mini lads nights away over saving for family holidays
regularly leaves me short on bills - last month £150. We earn the same yet hes never got any money. Currently no summer holiday booked as we dont have enough to pay for one. I could move my savings around to afford one for me and kids but feel like why should i include him when he doesn’t save!
gets angry when relaxing at weekend and drinking/watching sport. Shouts, wants quiet (we have young kids), slams doors. Drinks around lunchtime on a weekend until 10pm
doesnt go out with the kids eg park/football/walk unless a pub involved

money
Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol. Not around to help with kids in morning. Does not help with kids at night. Does bare minimum and tbh i feel they dont like him/theyve said that. We keep separate finances (always have) although earn similar not big money but average

sex
No sex life. Not had sex for over a year. Ick feeling. Cannot see us having sex again but he would love to and regularly trys to initiate. Has previous for sex pest behaviour

no ambition never has had. Wants a nice house etc but doesn’t want to get a better more pay job role. Most likely thinks i should do it all on top of everything else! I clean, shop, organise all kids activities. Taxi them around as we live remote and no public transport for the older one (year 9) to see their mates. I dont mind and would rather drop them/pick up to check they are safe. He has an issue with this and often belittles me being a taxi and pandering to them but hes always drinking so i cant ask him to do it. Sometimes ill get back eg pick up 930pm and the youngest two are still up, DH asleep in bed snoring and ive got to put them to bed, do pack ups for next day etc. it’s exhausting! Pissed off with it all. I feel like im already a single parent 😤

Thanks for all your responses. Im ploughing ahead with this, i feel so proud of myself.

ive just had a call with a solicitor who talked me through, in the limited time we had, how it all works, what info i need etc. i might ask this on the divorce board but has anyone used Wikidivorce vs a high street solicitor? Seems too good to be true with their fees!

ive talked to WomensAid also.

i also talked to him again to say id got mortgage advise and still want to separate but hes hiding his head in the sand. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it all. Its so frustrating really. I told one person yesterday my situation and she was shocked.

That's a tight response. Like asking how you can get married twice to the wrong people!

Hello, following on… ugh help. I just cannot seem to get through to him that were over. Hes like - oh not this again etc. he wont discuss it. Says he cant move out as hes skint. he just wont acknowledge it. He could go and stay with his parents, hes close to them, for a short while so he can get his head straight. I feel really guilty

im worried hes drinking more. Like this weekend hes drank a lot (24 units - 10 drinks saturday and 29 units - 12 drinks sunday). I felt like saying to him yesterday, why are you drinking so much but hes always got an excuse and yesterdays would have been fathers day 🥺

hes not told anyone. Ive told two people now.

Should i go and talk to his parents about this or am i over stepping the mark? Id prefer him to but he wont. Burying his head is not going to make this go away. We are close to his parents

Seriously, all you can do is go ahead with the divorce. Ultimately he can't stop it from happening. It will take time and that time will be rough, but he can't stop it. And in your shoes I would just push on with it.

As for telling his parents, that's a difficult one. It's been less than a month since you took the decision and I'd give him more time to talk. Meanwhile if I were you, I'd tell more people - get your support network into gear. Mine didn't start telling people what was happening until almost 3 months in, after things had escalated badly. I didn't feel it was my place to tell anyone on 'his' side.

The problem is, i see his parents a lot eg daily and they will say to me, why did we not get told??! If the kids accidentally let it slip etc

If he said to me that he drank more because it was Father's Day, I wouldn't be able to resist a full launch attack.

@CleanCar oh how horribly difficult for you. Is it worth one last attempt at talking to him about it, as in 'you need to tell your parents because they're going to find out and that isn't fair on them'?

And if he doesn't respond to that I would seriously consider very gently telling them that this is happening.

Give him the choice. "Would you like me to tell your parents or will you? You've had a month to think about it. Decide tonight or I'll tell them tomorrow."

It's not a secret. He can't make it one. You dont need his permission.

You've done the right thing to give him some time to hear it from him. Not surprisingly he hasn't bothered...

Yeah he would be all put out like “oh come on, its fathers day, can i not just sit and relax with a few drinks ffs”?! Then que the sulking, mardy arseness

Its a very awkward situation. I go round there for a catch up after work one day a week with the kids after school but they also help out with school drop off daily. Im currently on tenderhooks the whole time were there as im sure the kids may say something. I wouldnt be mad at them as i dont think they should keep it a secret but its like DH wont step up. Hes living in denial currently about drinking and divorce 🤦🏻‍♀️

ok im going to say that too him tonight and if not, im going to go and see them tomorrow. I just think once the cats out of the bag, he might start to process it and it will help him 🙃

Sad thing is, im seeing all these lovely fathers day activities friends did yesterday on Facebook and what did DH do? Met his dad at the pub for a beer with youngest, then came home and got drunk 😑

If you have a reasonably close relationship with his parents do you not feel you could tell them? At least it would stop your OH burying his head in the sand

Im going to have to as were living in limbo at the moment

Good luck OP… your story is similar to mine, but I’m free now (Thank Christ).
One day soon you’ll be happily thinking ‘He’s not my nightmare any more’.
You can do this. X

Tell his DPs Op, tell them he drinks too much and your done. It's amazing how many men think if they ignore your unhappiness and just refuse to move out then everything will go back to normal

Don't hide anything from anyone to benefit him. Be honest with them. Tell the people you need to. Once it's In the open he can't hide from it. Plus it's hopefully more people who will support you x
Good luck OP you deserve so much more

I would tell his family for your sake and theirs, it also gives you the opportunity to say if you want to continue a relationship with them and then the rest is up to them. Be clear and say that it's beyond saving. My ex sil did this as her ex had his head in the sand. Unfortunately they had to stay in the same home for financial and visa reasons and her family in particular kept telling him that if he changed enough he could win her back.

I could have written this five years ago! Wow so much of what your saying is exactly my experience, even down to the gaslighting and holidaying alone with the kids. Took me three years to try everything I could to save our marriage. So now I have no regrets, because I really and truly tried, but it was never up to me. Managed to finally get him out two years ago and I'm holding on by my finger nails for the end of our divorce now. I can tell you that it may be hard on your own, but my god are you happier! He will never change. Addiction means they are inherently selfish. And the resentment of having another adult in the house but them contributing nothing, is the worst emotion.
You don't say what your living/house situation is? But in my experience it will take nothing short of a miracle to get him to leave because they are so lazy.
I found a mediation company and got legal aid to help me.
Separate your finances.
Apply for Universal Credit, I get a small amount a month, but also free school meals which helps massively.
Life is to short to put up with this bullshit for yourself and your children. They will appreciate how much happier their mum is in time!
Good luck.

Good luck today @CleanCar with his folks. He can keep his head in the sand but it won’t stop reality catching up.

Good luck 💐

currently renting (in my name) and all bills in my name
both work full time
earn similar
£75k savings
kids at school age
both have pensions
Separate bank accounts and money

its so annoying loving with another adult who doesnt pull their weight with housework/parenting. I have a lot of resentment over the years!

@CleanCar

What @TheIblisHasspoken says is full of wisdom and experience. You, too, have done everything you can and need have no regrets.

Now you have the right to do everything you can to get him out. And that includes speaking to his parents, his friends, anyone who can possibly help you get him out. Especially speak to a solicitor!

I'd say give him 1 week, watch him carefully and ask if he's looking for places to move to. If there's no 'movement' after a week, speak to his parents. Up to you whether or not you want to tell him you're doing so.

Are you sure his parents will support you and offer him to move in? Or will they be the kind to feel either 'It can't be that bad' or 'I don't want his drinking problem in MY house' and try to guilt you into keeping him. If you get even an inkling that they're trying to convince you to let him stay, you need to end the conversation and possibly even pull back in the relationship with them.

Ok im going to break it to his parents tomorrow as im due to see them for our weekly catch up.

I reiterated splitting up earlier to him. He just got mad and shouted as me that im using his drinking as an excuse. Everyone drinks like him etc. i said if you were skint, you would make sure bills were paid over boxes of beer. He said, he should be allowed to have a few drinks each month- im not saying he can’t but in moderation! He said hes been having 3-4 days alcohol free each week, which is hilarious as ive been keeping track. He genuinely believes what hes saying it’s bizarre 🤦🏻‍♀️ i said he’s horrible to live with when drinking eg slamming doors, shouting, angry atmosphere. He said i was talking rubbish 🤷🏻‍♀️

he said he shouldn’t be the one to leave but i said well my names on the tenancy so if i leave its new tenants, then what will he do?!

I have to admit, its got me questioning myself. Am i over reacting? Does he drink as much as i think he does (although i log this), does he really shout/get angry/slam doors or is me feeling like walking on egg-shells all in my head and im too sensitive, ahhh

He's a shit father, a crap partner, a drunk, and he's a selfish twat. BE a single mother (you are more or less anyway). He's no bloody good.