Me or the DH?

[CleanCar]

I’ve written this on here because idk if its AIBU or relationships.

is this normal? Im thinking of leaving DH after a long marriage and putting up with this.

AIBU - its me, i need to work on my marriage more/suck it up/its normal or
AiNBU to leave and end it and be happy

drinking
One day off per week 4-6 cans per night, more at weekends
spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
enjoys going to the football and having drinks with the lads
prioritises going out at weekends/mini lads nights away over saving for family holidays
regularly leaves me short on bills - last month £150. We earn the same yet hes never got any money. Currently no summer holiday booked as we dont have enough to pay for one. I could move my savings around to afford one for me and kids but feel like why should i include him when he doesn’t save!
gets angry when relaxing at weekend and drinking/watching sport. Shouts, wants quiet (we have young kids), slams doors. Drinks around lunchtime on a weekend until 10pm
doesnt go out with the kids eg park/football/walk unless a pub involved

money
Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol. Not around to help with kids in morning. Does not help with kids at night. Does bare minimum and tbh i feel they dont like him/theyve said that. We keep separate finances (always have) although earn similar not big money but average

sex
No sex life. Not had sex for over a year. Ick feeling. Cannot see us having sex again but he would love to and regularly trys to initiate. Has previous for sex pest behaviour

no ambition never has had. Wants a nice house etc but doesn’t want to get a better more pay job role. Most likely thinks i should do it all on top of everything else! I clean, shop, organise all kids activities. Taxi them around as we live remote and no public transport for the older one (year 9) to see their mates. I dont mind and would rather drop them/pick up to check they are safe. He has an issue with this and often belittles me being a taxi and pandering to them but hes always drinking so i cant ask him to do it. Sometimes ill get back eg pick up 930pm and the youngest two are still up, DH asleep in bed snoring and ive got to put them to bed, do pack ups for next day etc. it’s exhausting! Pissed off with it all. I feel like im already a single parent 😤

Yes thats correct just how often its drank 😔
i did it again with the average units a week and he came out as high risk. Im stupid for putting up with this for so long

I think the crux of is he an alcoholic is if he can actually abstain from alcohol? If he can't or wouldn't even dream of thinking of reducing the volume etc then I'd say he is.

Anyway even taking the drinking out of the scenario which is bad enough...
He's useless with the kids
He's useless with you
Keeps his money to himself
Doesn't do anything around the house
Is horrible to others

Just why would you stay?!

The alcoholic in my life was my brother. I was an enabler. I don't consider myself 'stupid' for enabling, nor are you 'stupid' for 'putting up with it'. I was simply 'uneducated' as to the facts around alcoholism and how enabling contributes to the problem. You were uneducated, too, so you put up with it thinking he wasn't an alcoholic or that 'a lot of people drink like him'. As Maya Angelou said "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better".

I suggest you contact your local chapter of Al-Anon. It's specifically for family members of alcoholics. They can be an unending source of knowledge and support for you as you figure your way forward.

My Bro has been sober for 8 years. The decision to stop drinking had to be 100% his, just as the decision would be 100% your husband's. As they say:

You didn't cause this
You can't control this
You can't cure this

The only thing that's up to you is to decide if there are enough remnants left of your marriage to make you want to stay even if he did stop drinking.

If you decide that you need to end the relationship, look into getting an occupation order, so the children can stay in the family home with you looking after them, and the irresponsible alcoholic would be the one who has to move out.
I'd also recommend talking to your in laws about why you're "thinking" of ending relationship before you do it, so they understand what's going on. Tell them everything you've mentioned here. Things will be easier with you/them if they know how awful he's making things for their grandchildren.

He's a very selfish man and a lot of it centres around the drinking, his need to have money for drink, only interested in outings where drinks available, the drink related shouting but he's still in denial. Sadly unless he wants to give up there's nothing you can do, if you say you're leaving he'll probably pretend to give up and drink in secret. You need to start divorcing and be open with everyone why, addiction thrives on lies and being kept secret, don't keep his secret anymore Op

Leave OP. As soon as you reasonably can. You're already living a life that's far less than you deserve, and the trajectory is typically downward from here. Don't wake up one day in your 60s with no savings, your personal ambitions unfulfilled and not even any happy memories to look back on. You have one go at life. Free yourself to live it the way you want without this mill stone dragging you down.

Ive been pulling a few bits together and working out money.

One thing that happens yesterday which since posting this thread im seeing through fresh eyes. I was going to a friends bbq yesterday pm, her husband and other couples going. Anyway, was set on going alone with kids. DH got wind, asked if he could come, made me feel bad for not inviting him. I gave in. We went he had a few drinks, we left, got home and he continued drinking. Anyway, the oldest (teen) was out at a friends party which didnt finish until midnight. I said that was fine, i can collect. DH comments that they are taking the mick asking for that time pick up, but this is normal for their age parties to finish (teens parents in attendance, nothing out of hand etc).

youngest (y4) had stayed up, i was putting to bed but being a pain going sleep as wanted to come with me to get older one, which id said no. So it comes to midnight, i start to head out. Others on the street all lights off clearly in bed. Very quiet. I walk to the end of the front garden and youngest comes out. I said fine but stay quiet. All i can hear is DH running towards front door fing and blinding going mental (pissed). I walk back in and say- its fine, ill take him, hes done this before-but no DH starts shouting, going mad saying he shouldn’t be coming etc. ok he shouldn’t but im conscious of waking the street so its fine this time as a one off. Asked DH to be quiet. No he continued to shout hitting the wall adjoining with next door in anger. I manage to get away leaving him still angry. By the time i get home, all lights off, back door unlocked but hes asleep.

today I brought it up, he just laughed at me raising it and said it was a mountain out of a molehill. Always makes me feel like im in the wrong and making issues. I asked youngest if he could hear where he was outside and he said he could hear both of us clearly talking/shouting. What the neighbours must think 🤦🏻‍♀️

i need to end this

Be glad you didn't leave the youngest with him

I'm glad you're making plans

he continued to shout hitting the wall adjoining with next door in anger

It's time OP.
Get copies of all paperwork then call a solicitor to see what your options are. Dont let him know until you have things in place.

Its like i was telling him to calm down and be quiet, but it made it worse, he shouted im not being quiet, idc who can hear me!

@CleanCar

Yes, you do need to end this.

Just keep plugging away at your 'escape plan'. Focus on getting out and ignore him as much as you can. Start to make your own decisions based on what you want. Let him fend for himself if you can.

Most people don't live like this.

You don't have to. Your children deserve better.

Please leave.

If he wants to, he can go and find someone else who is fine with his rage, anger, shouting and violence. He seems to think its fine, so I'm sure he won't have any trouble finding someone....

OP

Unbelievably not normal.

He is highly abusive and you can be sure all your neighbours know what utter scum he is.

As for your poor children.

God help them.

What a life.

Watch your eldest that has had this waster in his life for so long.

They are hugely vulnerable to anxiety and depression coming from this background.

Get out as soon as you can.

You owe this scum absolutely nothing.

I feel so stupid being in this relationship for so long. I just thought, ok a bit over the top sometimes, but his anger was normal 🤦🏻‍♀️

You have wasted so much of your life on this horrible man. Refuse to waste one more day.

Putting aside the alcohol, rage and aggression for a minute. I would leave him for the money issues alone.

Selfish, greedy twat.

There's no need to feel stupid. These things creep up on you over years and years. If he'd been like this in the beginning you would have run a mile. I've only realised my DH was abusive after 30 years of marriage, you just think the small stuff is normal relationship woes until BAM!

You are NOT stupid! He took great care at the beginning that you saw only the 'facade' he puts on when he's looking to impress. Then he slowly, slowly started to drop the mask, so slowly that one incident seemed to have nothing to do with the incident before it. And his manipulation of your emotions was also slow and nearly invisible, convincing you that you were unreasonable and 'demanding'. It's the 'boiling frog' analogy. But now you know him for what he is and you still have time to 'hop out of the pot'.

thanks all. Im working on this, im determined to break free 💪

Im feeling really positive atm. Ive booked a short break for the summer with the kids and also had a conversation with a mortgage advisor yesterday.

ive also booked an appt with a solicitor to have a free initial meeting with them.

to prepare for that meeting and maximise the short time, does anyone have any tips for what info i need etc?

Excellent news!

They will need to know the financial layout for a start. Who earns what, savings, pensions, if house is owned then roughly what its worth and how much left to pay. How long have you been married, any kids/ages.

Start thinking of what you want to know and write the questions down otherwise you might forget.

Do you want to know approximate timescales, or the exact process, or how to force a housemate if he's awkward? Those questions.

House sale, not mate 🙄

Well your DH is right, there is no one that will love you like he does. Hopefully anyway! What an utter knob.

So pleased that you’re making plans for your future. Don’t feel stupid. If he was exactly like this from the beginning you’d have never married him and and kids with him, he’s gradually got worse and when you’re living it with it, it’s really hard to see.

Breakdown of income (yours/his) from all sources.
Breakdown of current monthly household expenses and who pays what.
Total of assets (yours/his/joint) including the house and future pensions.

Write it down in list form, organized by category, 2 copies, give one to the solicitor to refer to during the meeting, one for you to keep to 'follow along' and make notations on. If you have proof of any of the above, bring it

Length of marriage.
Ages of children and if any have special needs, especially needs that will continue into adulthood.
If it is highly likely that one/all of your DC will go to Uni/higher education then ask about the likelihood of child maintenance being continued after the statutory age of termination, even if those payments will have to go directly to the child. A friend's CM (called here 'child support') had termination at the latest of age 18, end of secondary education (USA = high school) OR end of full time post-secondary (college/university or trade/tech school) education, max 4 years (a Bachelor's Degree. Her son's CM ended when he graduated HS (18+2 mos), her DD's at age 22 when she got her degree.

Detail what you'd like to 'end up' with as far as assets, maintenance payments, and child access and ask if it's reasonable. If they think not, ask what they believe to be reasonable given your financial 'situation' and the needs of the children. If you feel you would like to move out of the area, even if it's only 20 miles away, ask how feasible that would be.

Take plenty of paper and take notes. Don't trust your memory as you will be given a LOT of information. If you have someone 'trustworthy' with a steady head, and if you feel comfortable with it, take them with you. Two heads and two sets of ears can be invaluable. This may be a very emotional experience for you, even though you're ready for it and it could be good to have someone who can remain 'unemotional' during the session. I did it for a friend years ago and it was amazing the amount of things and/or explanations that I remembered that she didn't.

You've taken the first steps, congratulations! Your new life is waiting.