Me or the DH?

[CleanCar]

I’ve written this on here because idk if its AIBU or relationships.

is this normal? Im thinking of leaving DH after a long marriage and putting up with this.

AIBU - its me, i need to work on my marriage more/suck it up/its normal or
AiNBU to leave and end it and be happy

drinking
One day off per week 4-6 cans per night, more at weekends
spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
enjoys going to the football and having drinks with the lads
prioritises going out at weekends/mini lads nights away over saving for family holidays
regularly leaves me short on bills - last month £150. We earn the same yet hes never got any money. Currently no summer holiday booked as we dont have enough to pay for one. I could move my savings around to afford one for me and kids but feel like why should i include him when he doesn’t save!
gets angry when relaxing at weekend and drinking/watching sport. Shouts, wants quiet (we have young kids), slams doors. Drinks around lunchtime on a weekend until 10pm
doesnt go out with the kids eg park/football/walk unless a pub involved

money
Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol. Not around to help with kids in morning. Does not help with kids at night. Does bare minimum and tbh i feel they dont like him/theyve said that. We keep separate finances (always have) although earn similar not big money but average

sex
No sex life. Not had sex for over a year. Ick feeling. Cannot see us having sex again but he would love to and regularly trys to initiate. Has previous for sex pest behaviour

no ambition never has had. Wants a nice house etc but doesn’t want to get a better more pay job role. Most likely thinks i should do it all on top of everything else! I clean, shop, organise all kids activities. Taxi them around as we live remote and no public transport for the older one (year 9) to see their mates. I dont mind and would rather drop them/pick up to check they are safe. He has an issue with this and often belittles me being a taxi and pandering to them but hes always drinking so i cant ask him to do it. Sometimes ill get back eg pick up 930pm and the youngest two are still up, DH asleep in bed snoring and ive got to put them to bed, do pack ups for next day etc. it’s exhausting! Pissed off with it all. I feel like im already a single parent 😤

How about you ask those poor children of yours whose memory of their childhood is going to be this loser.

Are you really happy that this is all your children know.

Is this all you ever wanted for you children?

Being raised in a house with an abusive drunken loser?

How about you ask your neighbours what they think?

I bet they have a fine opinion of the screaming drunk in No. X and the poor children in there.

Oh yes there no going back now. Im looking forward to being a single mum. Im daydreaming about it. I just think the whole denial from him just makes you question yourself

i just need him out of the house as much for his sake as mine and kids. He needs to start to process this, i think him living elsewhere will help him to come to terms with it

It's not just the drinking, it's the shouting, slamming doors, and abusive behaviour and that's not just when he's drinking.

He's pinpointing it to the drinking because that's easiest for him to rationalize and to explain away his behaviour. Everybody drinks, denial of his behaviour, etc etc. Maybe he doesn't remember his abuse when he's sobered up but that's no excuse. Drunks often have 'alcohol amnesia' either real or imaginary.

When I kicked my exH out decades ago we were renting from a friend of my grandparents so I guess you could say my name was on the (non existent) lease. When he threatened not to leave I asked him just who he thought would be told to leave if I took it to our landlord. He was gone 3 days later. If your name is on the lease maybe you could do the same. Not sure what the legalities are these days but if I were you I'd find out.

Good luck tomorrow with his parents.

You say you own your own house & there is about 40k I'm equity for you each. Then you say you're renting and it's in your name.

Curious as to which one it is?🤔

Alcohol amnesia is definitely what it is

Can you clarify op?

Renting (we sold), £75k joint savings between us

YNBU no way

Fwiw xh, note the 'x', is an alcoholic, your DH could well be too.

He's acting like he wants to be single. Make it happen!

Obviously, he has gaslit you into questioning yourself. But you do know, whether he's alcoholic or not (he is) you can decide you've had enough, you are not happy, the children are seeing thus behaviour, what kind if example is it ?, he is an embarrassment.
Your marriage is just him sponging off you, no love, no support, no point.
The tenancy is in your name, you tell him he leaves or you will get him removed.
Cut the cord

He's already checked out of everything relationship and family wise. I'd be making plans to leave.

OP, can I recommend that you seek some support for yourself? Your husband is doing all the typical things that someone addicted to alcohol does, including major self deception. That's logical in a sense - if he doesn't lie to himself and believe his lies, he has to admit that he has a problem and he isn't ready or able to do that.

But it impacts on you because he is making you doubt yourself. A support group for relatives of people in addiction would be very useful to you. this list may help you find some help. It's important for you to believe that it isn't you and that you are not alone.

Obviously you need legal advice first but if the tenancy is in your name only and you are paying all the bills then, surely, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on if you throw him out.
What do Women's Aid advise?

Hope you get yourself untangled from this mess soon. You and your children deserve so much more.

How are things going OP?

Hi, thanks for checking up on me. I spoke to parents a week or so ago who said they knew this was coming, could tell something wasn't right and could tell we weren’t happy. Thats that over and done with. Hoping now its out the bag things will get easier. Currently saving up for the divorce fee and hopefully i can apply next payday 🙂

Just voted YABU, for putting up with this as long as you have. Get rid and don't look back OP

Oops sorry just seen your update glad to hear it