Me or the DH?

[CleanCar]

I’ve written this on here because idk if its AIBU or relationships.

is this normal? Im thinking of leaving DH after a long marriage and putting up with this.

AIBU - its me, i need to work on my marriage more/suck it up/its normal or
AiNBU to leave and end it and be happy

drinking
One day off per week 4-6 cans per night, more at weekends
spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
enjoys going to the football and having drinks with the lads
prioritises going out at weekends/mini lads nights away over saving for family holidays
regularly leaves me short on bills - last month £150. We earn the same yet hes never got any money. Currently no summer holiday booked as we dont have enough to pay for one. I could move my savings around to afford one for me and kids but feel like why should i include him when he doesn’t save!
gets angry when relaxing at weekend and drinking/watching sport. Shouts, wants quiet (we have young kids), slams doors. Drinks around lunchtime on a weekend until 10pm
doesnt go out with the kids eg park/football/walk unless a pub involved

money
Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol. Not around to help with kids in morning. Does not help with kids at night. Does bare minimum and tbh i feel they dont like him/theyve said that. We keep separate finances (always have) although earn similar not big money but average

sex
No sex life. Not had sex for over a year. Ick feeling. Cannot see us having sex again but he would love to and regularly trys to initiate. Has previous for sex pest behaviour

no ambition never has had. Wants a nice house etc but doesn’t want to get a better more pay job role. Most likely thinks i should do it all on top of everything else! I clean, shop, organise all kids activities. Taxi them around as we live remote and no public transport for the older one (year 9) to see their mates. I dont mind and would rather drop them/pick up to check they are safe. He has an issue with this and often belittles me being a taxi and pandering to them but hes always drinking so i cant ask him to do it. Sometimes ill get back eg pick up 930pm and the youngest two are still up, DH asleep in bed snoring and ive got to put them to bed, do pack ups for next day etc. it’s exhausting! Pissed off with it all. I feel like im already a single parent 😤

How are are the two kids he left to fend for themselves when he went to bed?

Move your savings around for a deposit and leave.

He’s an alcoholic. Suggest you talk to him about his alcoholism - if he cannot admit it and get help for it within a relatively short timeframe you should make the consequences clear to him (that you’ll walk/ separate etc)

when i was pregnant he wouldnt stay sober in final weeks to be on call for trips to hospital.

That just shows how weak he is. He's obviously addicted to alcohol but that was a very convenient excuse for him to sabotage your arrangements for getting to hospital.

What is it about weak men and their pregnant partners?

ive talked about ending the marriage but its almost like he wont let me

Well fuck that for a game of soldiers for a start. If you want to leave (and it sounds like you do) then you leave. There's no 'letting you', you do it. He deals with the consequences. He's trying to normalise his behaviour and therefore telling you it's you who has the problem. You know it's not normal.

I'm also concerned by what you say about his behaviour at the weekend. That's no way for your DCs to live in their own home, and if you can't quite bring yourself to leave for your own sake, you should leave for theirs. They shouldn't have to witness shouting and being angry.

When ive written all of this down it’s glaring obvious how bad it is. Im embarrassed ive put up with all this for so long!

the refusing to stay sober prior to me giving birth- whilst i was heavily pregnant, he went on a night out with work. He says his drink was spiked but been drinking all day, got split up from work colleagues, found himself in the back streets of a city he went out in. Rang me early hours of the morning talking absolute rubbish. I could barely get out of him he was lost etc. im then panicking, unnecessary stress for me, lack of sleep for the rest of the night. His phone died. Eventually he made it home the following morning. Lost his phone.

the day i gave birth to our first, he went to a mates later that night (i did have to stay in hospital that night) and got smashed “wetting the babys head”. lots more of wetting the babys head followed. Any excuse hey? The night i got out of hospital, he had invited people over for a bbq and drinks! I was shattered and basically had to go to bed. How insensitive

so many of similar stories over the years. Terrible ive just resigned myself to this shitshow 😒

Get yourself free of this dead weight, OP. You will be so much happier.

Don’t feel embarrassed OP. No one sets out knowing that’s how their marriage will turn out. The important thing is you’re going to do something about it.
Might be worth starting a thread asking for practical advice on where to start?

When ive written all of this down it’s glaring obvious how bad it is. Im embarrassed ive put up with all this for so long!

It's the boiling frog analogy. When you're doing that all life entails and dealing with the added pressures of his drinking and behaviour you don't have the headspace to see the bigger picture.

so many of similar stories over the years. Terrible ive just resigned myself to this shitshow 😒

Writing it all down and seeing it in one place can be quite a shock

A lot of us end up like boiled frogs, OP. Things start off fine and slowly, slowly the decline starts, progresses, and before we know it we're actually in a dreadful situation.

We don't anticipate things getting so bad, we think the best of people - and unfortunately we continue to live in hope even when we start realising that we're really not experiencing anything close to the best of another person.

That moment where you realise that things really are appalling is a stark moment though. It's sort of awful and hopeful (a better life awaits!), all rolled into one.

You will be fine. I was fine, so many women on here have been through similar and they've also come out the other side, and are doing well.

Honestly speaking, the only posisitve difference between your life and mine (single parent) is that you could go for a run in the evenings when your little ones are in bed because another adult is in the house.

Run free, OP. He sounds insufferable.

Run for the hills and improve life for you and your children.

YANBU I'm not surprised you're no longer attracted to him. Tell him you are at the point of leaving him (unless you think he maybe violent, in which case seek advice on leaving safely) show him you're serious eg looking at new house or schedule with the kids and see if this shakes some sense into him.
He wouldn't get much custody of kids with that drinking habit. Keep a diary of what's happening

Thanks everyone for your replies ♥️

He is an absolute cunt. Total and utter cunt. Abusive. And a total alcoholic.

You can’t change him, only your response to him.
your response may need to be “go to your Mum’s for a few days,I can’t deal with your drinking any longer”.
Also, quietly document how many drinks he does actually have in a week to strengthen your decision.
Good luck

Please leave with your children ASAP.

Ugh he sounds like a useless fucker. LTB. he needs to get a handle his drinking anyway and you and your kids deserve a nice life

I'm not surprised you struggle to want to have sex with him, he sounds disgusting.

His drinking isn't normal.
The way he talks and screams at you isn't normal.
His absent parenting isn't normal.

So yourself a favour and get rid.

I have kept a diary of his drinking over past 10 months. On average its 65-70 units a week, sometimes during holidays/Christmas periods - when its acceptable to drink- its around 90-100 units

ive suggested he move into parents whilst they are away for 6 weeks, but he refuses to give us space. I dont have anywhere to go so i cant just leave with the kids without lots of planning

Hes never been violent. Im not worried about that

You can double that. Alcoholics do a lot of secret drinking and hiding bottles. Why don’t you move in whilst they’re away?

He’s alcohol dependent. Either he quits or leave

Your poor children.

Get on to Women's aid for support and to help you plan.

He's an alcoholic and your children deserve so much better.

Start recording him drunk.

Is he an alcoholic though? He works full time and doesn’t drink spirits. Ive said alcoholic to him before but he laughs it off and says he isnt and like i say he say drinks the same as others he works with etc