Me or the DH?

[CleanCar]

I’ve written this on here because idk if its AIBU or relationships.

is this normal? Im thinking of leaving DH after a long marriage and putting up with this.

AIBU - its me, i need to work on my marriage more/suck it up/its normal or
AiNBU to leave and end it and be happy

drinking
One day off per week 4-6 cans per night, more at weekends
spends around £180-200 a month on alcohol
enjoys going to the football and having drinks with the lads
prioritises going out at weekends/mini lads nights away over saving for family holidays
regularly leaves me short on bills - last month £150. We earn the same yet hes never got any money. Currently no summer holiday booked as we dont have enough to pay for one. I could move my savings around to afford one for me and kids but feel like why should i include him when he doesn’t save!
gets angry when relaxing at weekend and drinking/watching sport. Shouts, wants quiet (we have young kids), slams doors. Drinks around lunchtime on a weekend until 10pm
doesnt go out with the kids eg park/football/walk unless a pub involved

money
Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol. Not around to help with kids in morning. Does not help with kids at night. Does bare minimum and tbh i feel they dont like him/theyve said that. We keep separate finances (always have) although earn similar not big money but average

sex
No sex life. Not had sex for over a year. Ick feeling. Cannot see us having sex again but he would love to and regularly trys to initiate. Has previous for sex pest behaviour

no ambition never has had. Wants a nice house etc but doesn’t want to get a better more pay job role. Most likely thinks i should do it all on top of everything else! I clean, shop, organise all kids activities. Taxi them around as we live remote and no public transport for the older one (year 9) to see their mates. I dont mind and would rather drop them/pick up to check they are safe. He has an issue with this and often belittles me being a taxi and pandering to them but hes always drinking so i cant ask him to do it. Sometimes ill get back eg pick up 930pm and the youngest two are still up, DH asleep in bed snoring and ive got to put them to bed, do pack ups for next day etc. it’s exhausting! Pissed off with it all. I feel like im already a single parent 😤

If he puts alcohol before paying the bills (which you said in your first post) then he is an alcoholic.

Your life will only get worse, never better. He will not change. Can you live like this for the next thirty years? If not then start planning to leave.

Yes, he’s an alcoholic. Of course he says everyone drinks as much as him. They all say that. The only time they admit it is when they hit rock bottom and can’t escape the facts any more.

You don't need permission to leave a relationship that isn't making you happy and you don't need a "reason".

But for what it's worth you have listed a long list of very good reasons and pretty much everyone on this thread wants to give you permission.

Works further away so spends £250 a month on petrol.

This is the only bit that isn't his fault.

Plenty of reasons to leave, but ultimately you don't need a reason. Even if he were the most diligent husband in the world and your sex life was epic, you wouldn't be obliged to stay with him.

You need to leave him. He brings nothing to the table. He expects you to carry the load always. Leaves you short of money for bills but has money for beer ect.
He shouts at the kids to stay quiet and does nothing to help them. He never say brings them to a football match or does any of the driving to after school events ect.
Your husband goes to social events, drinks plenty and then makes loud comments about who is their. You said he kicked off one time and insulted one of your wealthy relatives. He is probably jelious of this man because he has done well in life.
Along with this you husband is probably been in the same job for years and because of his drinking he has no ambition to work harder or get a better job for more money.

At this stage I would gather up all your financial information including pension details and go to a family law solicitor re getting a divorce.
Your husbands drinking and all the other things that have happened over the past few years have made you realise that you have had enough.
As soon as his parents come back from holidays I put all his stuff in bin bags.
I tell him the good news that he is moving out and your getting a divorce due to his drinking. He can move in with his parents and they can deal with him.

Have the children gone to a friend's and have a male relative their as well when you do this.
I would contact the police before this, explain the situation and tell them that he may get abusive when you ask him to leave. If he gets abusive I would ring the police.
My feeling is that he won't be happy to hear what you're saying but it entirely his own fault.

I also get in contact with the CMS and see if they can remove money from his salary when he is paid for child maintenance.

One of my friends kicked her partner & children father out years ago when her kids were young due to his drinking. She had the same situation as you. It was the best thing she ever did. It was not easy money wise for a few years. Today she has a good job and a nice partner. Her kids all have degrees and good jobs.

Meanwhile he is now in his early 50s, is always broke, he lives in rental accommodation. He has been in and out of work due to his drinking and has a very poor relationship with his children.

You and your kids deserve better than living with him and the longer your with him the worse it will get.

Yes, he's an alcoholic. Drinking is more important to him than all of the following:

• Spending quality time with and developing good relationships with his DC
• Contributing to the household tasks
• His wife not being embarrassed by his behaviour in public
• His health
• The family finances
• Spending a family holiday with his family
• Being able to control his temper
• Modelling a healthy relationship for his children
• Being available to take his pregnant wife to hospital
• Being able to drive his children to various places
• His wife having some peace and quiet in her own home when arriving home with a new baby for the first time - this one really astounds me; his "need" to drink with his mates was more important to him than you needing to rest after giving birth - that's outrageous!

This is all just based on the few posts you have written today, I am sure there are many more examples of him putting drinking before the things that you have no choice but to get on and do, simply because he is choosing to drink, rather than pull his weight.

Another LTB from me.

He's practically checked out of the marriage anyway.

Is he the type of partner you want for your poor children?

What you have written about him is shocking.

He's a selfish lazy drinker who couldn't care less about you and your children.

Stop getting caught up on labels, bar the most obvious one.

He's a complete loser.

Adding to my earlier post, in light of his belief he’s not an alcoholic, he’s a total and utter deluded abusive cunt.

Given you are at a point where you have nothing but disgust, disdain, and resentment towards him...including for the petrol he uses to get to work, it is clearly time to end it.

From your description, there is nothing good about him, he contributes nothing, does nothing, and has no redeeming qualities. And there are a long list of ways he makes your life worse.

Just leave, sounds like you will both be far happier.

Even the first sentence isn't normal (4-6 cans practically every night).

Let alone the rest...

Why are you even with him? Let him read this and see how you truly feel about him and 100% your marriage will be over - problem solved.

See a solicitor.

Get all the paperwork together

What is the housing situation? Rented or owned.

You want a divorce, he can't stop you

No! The OP needs a safe space.

She just needs to start the wheels in motion

Op he is an alcoholic. You don't need any reason anyway but in this case you do have plenty.

A long marriage and a few DC? I can't believe you've not left him and procreated more than once with this piss poor example of a father.

What point is there in staying with him? He can’t ‘not let you’ divorce. It isn’t his decision. He sounds useless.

Serious question...why do you think that the type of alcohol has anything to do with whether or not one is an alcoholic? Spirits, beer, or wine it makes no difference. An alcoholic is just as much an alcoholic no matter what their 'poison of choice' is.

Take this quiz using your DH's drinking.

https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tools/self-assessment

Ive just done it for him and its come back with Possible Dependence
“You are drinking much more than the UK Chief Medical Officers' low risk drinking guidelines. Your drinking is dangerous to your health and may already be causing problems to your physical or mental health - or both. Your pattern of drinking causes a range of serious health harms including seven types of cancer, liver disease, heart disease and high blood pressure.
Please think seriously about finding expert support to help you reduce how much you drink or to help you to stop drinking.
Your answers suggest that you are at high risk of alcohol dependence.
To keep health risks to a minimum, the UK Chief Medical Officers advise that it is safest not to drink more than 14 units a week on a regular basis.”

I don't know, you just have a vision of an alcoholic sitting on a park bench, dishevelled, unshaven, sad looking and with cheap spirits. Clearly thats wrong 😑

we own our house but would have around £40k each in equity if we sell.

I don't care if he's an alcoholic or if his friends drink even more. He's a twat. Lazy, abusive, excuse for a man.

You don't have to put up with it. There are several things that just aren't normal.

Leave him.

See a solicitor. Start to make plans for a life without him.

If the children are staying with you, you'll need a bigger house which means you'll need more than half of the equity. Something to discuss with the solicitor.

(Assuming he doesn't want to go 50/50 with the kids!)

But you noticed that on the quiz there is no question asking what TYPE of alcohol is drunk

Leave leave leave leave leave