Children's intelligence level

[unsuresue2]

I'm going to be totally honest here- at the risk of sounding very snobby but can't shake a feeling of real disappointment for my kids.
It's obvious to me that my kids are middle of the road in their class for maths and really struggling with literacy, understandable as both diagnosed with dyslexia- however their general IQ / CAT scores are also mid range (literacy really low against this) and my older child will start GCSE work soon and it's clear he will struggle to keep up.
I have been getting all help I can, fortunate position where I can afford tutors etc
But I find it really sad for them and a constant worry for me, that their educational attainment is an accurate predictor for their success in later life.
I have always been in the higher end IQ, loved school and got really good marks that allowed for uni education and professional qualifications- and I am fully aware of the privileged position that put me in- with good job and high earnings I enjoy today- I just don't see my kids being able to attain anywhere near that educational success, and I really worry for them that life will be a struggle.
They have loads of wonderful qualities- sporty (not premier league/ Olympics) kind and funny, great emotional intelligence etc.
I love them unconditionally, goes without saying, but I just want the very best for them and can't seem to shake this feeling that their intelligence markers are not predicting great futures.
Please help me with some perspective/ similar experiences

I grew up at a time when dyslexia was under diagnosed and my mum, an English teacher, didn’t “believe” it existed. I didn’t learn to read properly until 8 years old , that was with a huge amount 0f work by my lovely teachers and my mum , but once I got it , I really got it and read extensively. My spelling was crap- still is. I was in bottom classes through primary school, mid classes through juniors and would have failed 11plus. But we moved to a middle school area, and in those 2 years between 11-13 I developed academically to get into second tier. By time I started my O levels I was in top set. But always at bottom of top set and it was a struggle. I ended up resisting some of my A levels (science and maths), at uni I did chemistry , third in first year, 2.2 in second and 2.1 in final . So I got there, it was a struggle , but I came out with best degree I was ever going to get

my dbs always performed better than me academically . Eldest went on to get PhD . Middle one flunked his final due to a mini breakdown and ended with a third class honours.

we’re all now in our 60s. I ended up as a global consultant earning a 6 figure package and retired at 55 on a comfortable pension. Eldest PhD brother works in civil service and earns still at lower rate tax band (just), but loves his job and is surprised someone actually pays him to do it 🤣🤣, and has no intention of retiring before he gets kicked out . Middle brother who got the third class degree, is only one of us that stayed in his science discipline and is seen as a technical expert in his field globally. Not paid brilliantly well for that as in “wrong” industry for high wages , he’s paid well but will need to work till state retirement age before he retires.

we have so much in our lives that is more than work, we’re quite hobbies motivated. We’ve all been recognised at local levels or country levels , and still are, for our contributions to those differing hobbies, but none of them are competitive (we were none of us much interested in sport) ..

we’ve all had particularly bad times in our lives, some struggles variously with mental health , some physical health challenges. We had some marriage breakups. Have a cluster of children between us who’ve also had various struggles but now are doing well, happy and generally fulfilled. And we’re generally all happy, financially secure and fulfilled.

in short, We’ve all been able , thankfully and luckily, to reach our “potential” in the way as a parent your want your kids to do.

so, acedemic performance at school has little bearing on what you acheive in life . A lot is just sheer genetics and that will come through - it amazes me that even though me and my sibs all studied different degrees and went into different jobs and industries, we all, eventually ended up doing similar tasks and responsibilities at work - things that we obviously genetically all have an aptitude for but no school would have seen, or our parents for that matter as a child.

a lot of it is nuture. Can’t understate that. Our parents were teachers. My mum in particular taught us in everything , and developed, imho, the most important skill to teach kids - curiosity. With curiosity you develop a life long approach to learning , and that’s vital to make the most of your opportunities .

so their genes are what they are. They’ve yet to switch on in their full potential. We know now that the brain does its last bit of major development in late teens to early twenties- the last bit of hard grunt turning them from stroppy teenagers into decent actual human beings. Before then you simply have no idea how they will turn out.

so Parenteral support is everything. Don’t stand by wringing your hands about their performance at school and writing them off as stupid. They may act stupid, it that’s just them being kids and YOU , not their teachers, need to help them as individuals bring out the best of their genes . Find their passions, nuture their curiosity, give them opportunities to allow those to light up their lives, strive to use those to show them their strengths so they can be developed.

Yep, that includes the academic skills. The single biggest academic gift you can give to your kids is TIME. really sit with them and understand why they can’t do this or that task- why are they stuck, what is happening in their thinking that is getting stuck, road blocked, or where are the errors happening. Get inside their heads . In maths, for instance, it’s usually a relative small cluster of blind spots that can be unlocked and then the kid can suddenly, magically so it. Seriously. Maths is just logic- well trained 4 year olds can do it. It is just training and repitition. I’m a science and maths grad and I kid you not. Think about tutor for key subject or 2 for a critical gcse year if you can’t do this yourself. 1:1 teaching is extremely powerful if you have a good teacher. Way more than any number of classroom or even small group teaching sessions.

Your kids aren’t of low acedemic level. And you are the one that can help unlock their true potential

I am a specialist assessor for children with a variety of issues, including dyslexia, and taught at a specialist school for children with dyslexia for several years. Some students really struggled academically and didn’t do that well in formal exams. Most however went on to do very well, especially in jobs which required visual or spatial strengths, for example as cameramen/ women, or computer programmers. My own son is dyslexic too. He wasn’t interested in school and was so laid back he was horizontal. He messed around for a few years after school, before realising what he was missing out on, knuckled down, and now earns a six figure salary in the city in a financial role.

My point is that you just can’t tell. If they are driven and keen, they can achieve really well. It’s like there is a universal CV - everyone wants to employ someone reliable, sensible, hard working and honest , with good interpersonal skills. They will employ some who comes across well, even if their academic qualifications are not as great as expected, rather than employ someone better qualified that they can’t relate to.

it sounds like you have wonderful children, and they are fortunate in having great support. My bet is they’ll do just fine long term.

Stop wasting money on tutors and things.

The main thing is that they learn to read and write.
If you can get them to find a love for reading (even if it’s comic books) then that is incredible.

A big part of this is how they will manage their dyslexia and I’d focus on what strategies they can use such as coloured filters, using a ruler to follow the words, reading books designed for dyslexic people etc.

Certain areas of maths are also important for managing money and shopping when they’re older.

Just because they’re not book smart doesn’t meant they don’t achieve great things.

I know a few people who’ve gone on to do apprenticeships for things like electricians or plumbers and make loads of money and have no student debt.

They may want to become actors, lorry drivers, mechanics, social workers etc.

Honestly, I would worry as academics aren’t everything (I’m a teacher).
There are also so many foundation years that you can do if you do achieve the required grades needed for a particular course.

Love this, I keep telling my eldest that they are amazing no matter what they do because they push themselves to the extreme in their Uni course, my youngest struggles but doesnt want to continue in education after A levels, again I tell them they will be OK, as long as they are happy ❤

The ability to get on with people is far more important than being academic. They may be late bloomers too.

It’s attitude, not aptitude that gets you places.

OP I could have written your post, but realise that as a darn hard worker with great people skills, my DD is going to be fine.

A supportive family is what really matters.

If I’d have learned a trade I’d be far better off than pissing around at Uni doing humanities lol.

Push them to do something useful, that people NEED.

I’ve noticed that people with great emotional intelligence and social skills, tend to do well in life, even if they’re not very academic. In fact, they’re often more successful than people with excellent exam results but lower EQs.

I had very good GCSE results and went on to get a degree, yet work in a low-paid office job. Several of my colleagues (on the same pay grade as me) also have degrees. Meanwhile, two of our senior managers aren’t graduates, but have done pretty well for themselves.

My dH has to resit the year twice at school (grew up in a different country), never understood maths sciences, and left school at 16 with no qualifications because there was no other school in the area that could take him after he had been expelled twice. He went on to earn a seven figure salary for decades with several thousand finance professionals reporting into him, and finally retired age 53 exhausted but having done just amazingly for himself.

There are many talents that contribute to success - academic results is just one of them.
His talent is that in any room of complete strangers, all the men will want to follow him, establish trust with him very quickly and be his friend. I've seen it so many times and still can't put my finger on how he does it. He's really not affable (quite grumpy actually) and doesn't try hard at all. He's nearly 70 now and it still happens.

I found school relatively easy, my twin sons do not. When reports arrive they will have the lowest grades for attainment, but the highest for effort, and their teachers tell us they are a pleasure to teach as they give everything 100%. To be honest, the effort grades are the only ones I’m worried about. In my opinion, and experience, academic results and money are not the most important things in life, a positive attitude is far more important. If you try hard and are a happy and kind person, you can go anywhere and do anything. This might sound like a simplistic outlook, but its what I teach my children, and what I’ve found to be true in life.

Similar here, with husband. Earning potential is often linked to your non-academic skills.

You can give your kids a lot of skills, experiences and force them to do activities that improve their attention span, ability to recall info and make neural connections and improve resilience.

Apart from the dylexia, which at least you know about, your kids are of normal intelligence. You can afford tutors, so presumably you can buy your way into a leafy suburb school with well-behaved children, who will allow your kids to access some of the best free education on this planet.

Also kids change a lot in secondary school. Both of mine were grade 5 sats scores, very bogstandard, but went on to do very well academically with a bogstandard comp education.

You have no need to be disappointed at all.

3 out of 4 of mine are ridiculously academic . One isn't . I have to say he finds life harder than his siblings.

Academic ability is really overrated in my experience. My DH has no GCSEs. Not one. But works hard at a trade he loves and earns a good income. We live a very comfortable life.
My best mate on the other hand, is as academic as you can get, (Oxford Grad) but made dreadful decisions about who she married and other bad choices. If it wasn’t for her family bailing her out, I’m not sure where she would be now.
If you’d have stood them side by side as children you wouldn’t have bet on my DH to be the one in the big house with the fleet of fancy cars!

Relax OP - they just need to find their way, which wont necessarily be what you had planned out for them!

Slightly off topic I know but as a home educator, this thread is lovely to read!

We focus on practical life skills, emotional intelligence, social skills, critical thinking skills and encourage our DC to follow their passions as well as a bit of traditional academic study. We also read to them every night (& they read themselves too) and all eat together away from screens. So you can see that this thread is very reassuring to me!

I’m also a teacher (ex teacher now) and know that academic ability/success does not equate to success later in life (whether financial or otherwise). Our DC will do some exams but only as a ticket to get to ‘the next level’ in whatever the want to do next.

academic achievement means one thing only - they are good at academic stuff. Bear in mind the vast majority of jobs and careers in the world aren't necessarily academically inclined - having a string of qualifications doesn't mean they would be good at working with their hands, or good at business or whatever other out of millions of different career paths.

I really dislike the way school caters predominantly towards the academic side of education, disregarding the vocational and practical skills that are generally more important in the real world. It also gives skewed perspective to students who are made to feel crap if they can't write a perfect essay or get 100 percent in physics or whatever - in real life jobs for most people these skills don't really count for anything!

I didn’t do well at school. I hated every second of it, my take home pay is 8k+ a month and I only work 20-30 hr weeks. I was never academically smart but I had ambition and creativity.

Wow never enough - what do you do now??

I really haven't worked out how to increase my earnings despite being "clever"!

And yes I have a separate thread about US high school certificates being achievable by most. OUr UK system really does say if you can memorise whole swathes of information and write essays you can do well... but that doesn't necessarily translate into real work!

My ex and I are both academics, so obviously successful at school and university and on good salaries but nowhere near a ‘big’ salary. Of our kids, our DD is stellar - top grades at GCSE and on target for a top RG university to study a competitive subject. My DS is funny and sparky and has about 4 million friends who are always in and out of my house. Academically he’s VERY middling - a solid C student (pretty much straight 5s!) - no dyslexia/ADHD/ASD - he’s just not super bright 😂 He’s quite entrepreneurial and good at persuading people to do things for him though, so he’s going to be a brilliant BMW car salesman or run his own business or something similar and he’ll likely earn more than all of us put together. Academics are important, but they’re not the be all and end all.

I work in the education field- just remember that most people are of around average intelligence, and its definitely not the case that the high IQ people get the best jobs. It sound like they have great skills - IF they wanted to make money they could go into sales type roles as they sound charming. They are also intelligent enough to do uni training for professional jobs (maybe wouldn't he the top grades for medicine or law, but that doesn't matter if they don't want to do that).
Average IQ with good soft skills will do much happier in life than high IQ but low EQ.

The other thing is that it's the best time ever to be dyslexic- there is so much tech to help that it doesn't need to hold anyone back these days

If you are above average intelligence, your children will, on average, be more intelligent than average. They will also, on average, be less intelligent than you. This is an example of so-called regression to the mean. It's easy enough to see why it has to be so. (But I'll leave it as an exercise for you above-average-intelligence people.)

My children are smart, but not as smart as me. My grandchildren are also smart, although not as smart as their parents. Regression to the mean. Just a fact of life.

I love my children more than life, and my grandchildren even more. My children are all doing fine: well-educated, good jobs, decent partners, lovely children, happy. My grandchildren also all seem set fair (assuming we can stop burning the planet down, but sadly that's another matter). Why are they doing so well? Well, they have always - and explicitly, overtly - been loved ...

Intelligence, shmintelligence: what's it matter so long as your mummy and daddy love you?

(OK, OK, I know ... random illness, accidents, Tory governments: things can go wrong. But do the best you can. Love your children, let them know you do ... they'll be OK. Try not to worry.)

As others have said I don’t think it’s a sure indicator. I wasn’t top in anything throughout primary or secondary and very middle of the road. I went on to be an investment banker on Wall Street. Same as my husband who was constantly bunking school as a teenager/child.

But, more importantly, I would note that I come from a more privileged background and have siblings who have done excellent at school but struggled with mental health and I can assure you that if your child gets an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, psychosis that you will literally only care about them being happy and well. Genuinely this is all that’s important I can assure you. It’s irrelevant if someone gets top grades if they then can’t work because of depression and have a terrible quality of life.

I haven't RTFT so apologies if repeating.
The past is no indicator of the future.
Men used to be the highest paid because they had physical strength. The industrial revolution made this skill redundant.
The intelligent used to be the highest paid because they could process information. The computing/AI revolution will make this skill redundant.
You need to ensure that your DC have future skills, that cannot be replaced by a robot. Encourage EQ and artisan, creative skills.

A close family member was invited to leave school at 15 without any exams and started as an apprentice joiner. He earns a six figure salary now.