Children's intelligence level

[unsuresue2]

I'm going to be totally honest here- at the risk of sounding very snobby but can't shake a feeling of real disappointment for my kids.
It's obvious to me that my kids are middle of the road in their class for maths and really struggling with literacy, understandable as both diagnosed with dyslexia- however their general IQ / CAT scores are also mid range (literacy really low against this) and my older child will start GCSE work soon and it's clear he will struggle to keep up.
I have been getting all help I can, fortunate position where I can afford tutors etc
But I find it really sad for them and a constant worry for me, that their educational attainment is an accurate predictor for their success in later life.
I have always been in the higher end IQ, loved school and got really good marks that allowed for uni education and professional qualifications- and I am fully aware of the privileged position that put me in- with good job and high earnings I enjoy today- I just don't see my kids being able to attain anywhere near that educational success, and I really worry for them that life will be a struggle.
They have loads of wonderful qualities- sporty (not premier league/ Olympics) kind and funny, great emotional intelligence etc.
I love them unconditionally, goes without saying, but I just want the very best for them and can't seem to shake this feeling that their intelligence markers are not predicting great futures.
Please help me with some perspective/ similar experiences

My 80-year old dad finished school when he was 13 because his parents needed him in their shop. He later bought his very nice house, summerhouse, boat and cars with no help from the bank and stopped working when he was 50. You just never know.

Is it ok to be disappointed though? Maybe secretly, but OP is only doing her children and her relationship harm if they get wind of it.

My dad was super academic. I am too, but even so I remember the pressure. Nothing but the best was really good enough - he wasn't mean about it, or strict, but the disappointment was there. I remember coming home from a biology test in secondary school and telling him I got the second best score in the class. He asked me why not the best.

My dd had some educational tests done and I was told she was in the bottom 20% in terms of the average intelligence of a child her age.

I was told similar when I was a child and all through secondary school was put in the bottom sets.

I am now a specialist nurse with a degree and responsible for teaching other nurses. My dd is at college after she passed all her GCSEs and is getting distinctions for her assignments.

The school system does not suit everyone and intelligence is not one thing. Being determined, hard working, turning up, being able to listen and work with people are all skills that are needed to succeed in life imo.

Objectively-I have a higher IQ than anyone I know. My husband left school with no GCSEs and still has a higher earning potential than I do.

My point is my high IQ does not cover the fact I’m autistic, useless in social situations and find the workplace a very difficult place to be. It is not the be all and end all when it comes to success markers.

The kids at my school who grew up and I see now as most successful. In terms of wealth And happiness were not the most academically smartest.

Some of the academically smartest have jobs like lawyers and doctors.
But the smartest of all went home after going to Cambridge, to go back to working on a farm. He was happy.

Usually and surprisingly to me it was the average people in the class that wound up with great jobs. Some started companies, some moved abroad for work.

Its almost like because they knew they weren't then smartest at school, they thought more about what and how they wanted.
Whereas the smarter kids expected things to magically line up after uni. After doing lots of education and getting a piece of paper saying hey wow look you're intelligent.

I wouldn't worry.
I think my happiest friends have either started their own business or just followed their hearts and have jobs in the outdoors. Despite doing pretty high iq degrees.

They need your love and also maybe some exposure to ideas to all the thing they could do in life. And some positive encouragement :)

Are you one of my siblings?

😬

But I find it really sad for them and a constant worry for me, that their educational attainment is an accurate predictor for their success in later life

Correlation doesn’t necessarily equal causation though.
Perhaps kids with greater educational attainment generally also tend to have intelligent parents on the whole, and those intelligent parents (like yourself) nurture and provide support more often and maybe that’s why they succeed.

if it helps, I left education with relatively mediocre GCSE results and never did any further study. I now earn £75k and am in my late 30s.

To be honest, I think the happiest people of all in life are those who are "middle of the road". In a way, I think you should be very glad!

Dp scraped his degree yet is very successful. Some people just aren't cut out for academics. (He only got that far due to excellent teaching, tutors etc)

My brother was top of the class in the intelligence tests we used to do in the 70s. He has never been able to apply that intelligence to anything concrete that would earn him a decent amount of money. I always hated exams but was reasonably okay at them so did okay in the O levels A levels system. As an adult I did a City and Guilds in textiles. It's modular and course work based. I have never been so happy in my life. You focus on that module and complete the practical work that goes with it. At the end of the module it is assessed( not by exam) and then you get a grade and move on to the next thing. How I wish I had taken this route after O levels rather than doing the A level route. It really suited my brain. Perhaps your children will be better suited to that route.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam

That's quite literally the post I had come to write. I had genius IQ, sailed through school, one of the best unis...

But have crashed and burned into Adult life and constantly wondered why I didn't "Get it" or where it went wrong job wise. And then later realised I'm autistic. I have a little part time job but so wished I'd realised and played to my strengths and retrained before having kids. I couldn't manage a full time course now!

Oh and the person I know who's the least capable person in real life is the cleverest person I know - my ex! He's incredibly gifted academically but I'm still helping him with practical stuff like life admin, dp sits laughing when I'm on the phone helping him with yet another easy, minor task that the average 21 year old would get confused by. I just don't want my DD's to have to help him

I have way surpassed my friends who went to university financially.

Granted, I made the decision not to go as I was unsure on what I wanted to study. So glad I didn't now as my friends are in a lot of debt and will most likely never use their degrees for work. I worked my way up with a bank.

Please don't feel disappointed, my mum was vocally disappointed in me which hurt but now sees I made the right choice.

You could encourage your children to get a job once 18 working for a bank, they can also earn degrees at the same time paid through the workplace. 100% recommend this for anyone with children around 18 unsure of their future.

It isn't just academic intelligence that means you will or won't be successful but life choices after school too.

I was high average, planning to go to uni when I took a gap year and met my exP. Ended up not going uni and had my first child at 22. With hindsight that was stupid in regards to my future financial position but I did have four children which wouldn't have been here had I gone to uni and not taken my gap year. Life takes us off the intended path now and then.

I was very academic. For my DC, my first wish is happiness and stability.

Schoolteachers are self-selecting and are almost always folks who sailed through their own education with little difficulty. They usually have little experience of what it is to struggle with learning.
The good news is that parents, friends and relatives can focus on the individual and help support their learning.
Enthusiasms for sport, nature, planes, trains and automobiles or film and book characters give children an opportunity to research and communicate knowledge that many adults don't have.
I worked with a member of a very wealthy family who had written his eight year-old off as having no academic future despite the lad having an encyclopaedic knowledge of European football teams, remembering players team numbers and lots of statistics. In reality, it was the boy's father who was the more limited - despite his £250k salary - I'm sure that little boy will succeed at whatever becomes his passion.
Richard Branson had a very expensive education that led to no pieces of paper, Lewis Hamilton is very bright and earns more in a year than I would in many lifetimes. Their gift is focus and you can often only do that on things that you love.

Define success.

Some of the happiest people I know are those who did not have high attainment at school. Some of the most miserable (including my late OH) have brains like planets.

Forget the whole thing - and tell them how proud you are of them and how much you love them.

And don't - EVER - not by the slightest hint - tell them that you are disappointed that they are not academic achievers.

What you think might be best for them won’t necessarily be what they think when they’re adults. They might hate the pressure of expectation you are or will put on them. Not everyone wants a degree.

I’m so glad my parents didn’t think this way about me, my mum pushed and made sure I knew I could do anything I wanted if I tried and she knew I wanted to be a nurse. I struggled massively at school but she was my cheerleader encouraging me, going to the school (40 years ago now really) getting me as much help as she could. She even taught me to type as she knew it would help me later on, which it absolutely did.

so it took me a bit longer, I did well in exams - I was put forward for all lower levels so didn’t get enough for nursing but did a year at college and a year working then went to uni in edinburgh, I’ve been nursing for 18 years now and love it. It’s what I’m good at, it’s what I am interested in and enjoy. Sometime that’s the most important thing, i did what I wanted to do. Op your kids will too, and worrying about iq is pointless focus on their strengths, what they enjoy and build them up.

My DC was like this.. Dyslexia, I couldn't afford tutors, but he showed an exceptional talent elsewhere {according to the college}- and took to it like a duck to water.

He is now self employed.

All that matters is that your children are happy and can live an independent life - That they can afford a house &c and be decent people.

I too used to worry, a lot!

This often pops up on MN.
Your DC will do just fine, academic success really isn't all that but knowing you are loved and that your strengths and talents are recognised, is everything.
I would personally give them a focus outside of school, where they can excel. A skill that's a bit unique amongst their peers. Sailing, golf, rock climbing, drumming, cooking, or just whatever they fancy. It will build their confidence and give them focus, achievement and something to brag about on their CV.
I'm married to a man with a a PhD, I have 2 degrees, we have a decent salary but it's not stellar (that's public services for you). My cousin who failed everything at school, started a trade, set up his own business and now owns a house worth many millions, did it through sheer dedication.

If not eating in front of the TV made people more intelligent, then surely every generation pre, say 1960, would have been more intelligent that current ones?

And I also have to add that almost EVERY incredibly intelligent person that I have known through my life either had, or currently has, quite severe mental health problems. Being clever doesn't always equal being happy.

Exactly this, I have one very academic child at university and one who is really struggling trying to do GCSE'S. My only hopes and dreams for them are that they are happy even if that's stacking shelves in Tesco! We need money yes, but not everyone bases their success on attaining the highest grades or earning 80k.

The biggest thing for me is support, my kids know I'm there for them no matter what they achieve, I will never think they are 'less than' because of not getting straight As. My eldest thanked me for that because tbh the stress they put themselves through trying to get into university affected their mental health terribly 😔 Our educational system is hard enough on kids these days, I just want to get my youngest through it all in one piece so they can find whatever career makes them happy.

If they have your love they will be fine. Better than fine.
I was mediocre at school but very, very successful in my career. No one would have predicted it.
charisma, integrity, hard work and resilience take you much further than cat scores ever will.