Children's intelligence level

[unsuresue2]

I'm going to be totally honest here- at the risk of sounding very snobby but can't shake a feeling of real disappointment for my kids.
It's obvious to me that my kids are middle of the road in their class for maths and really struggling with literacy, understandable as both diagnosed with dyslexia- however their general IQ / CAT scores are also mid range (literacy really low against this) and my older child will start GCSE work soon and it's clear he will struggle to keep up.
I have been getting all help I can, fortunate position where I can afford tutors etc
But I find it really sad for them and a constant worry for me, that their educational attainment is an accurate predictor for their success in later life.
I have always been in the higher end IQ, loved school and got really good marks that allowed for uni education and professional qualifications- and I am fully aware of the privileged position that put me in- with good job and high earnings I enjoy today- I just don't see my kids being able to attain anywhere near that educational success, and I really worry for them that life will be a struggle.
They have loads of wonderful qualities- sporty (not premier league/ Olympics) kind and funny, great emotional intelligence etc.
I love them unconditionally, goes without saying, but I just want the very best for them and can't seem to shake this feeling that their intelligence markers are not predicting great futures.
Please help me with some perspective/ similar experiences

I'm a high IQ egghead with all sorts of fine and esoteric interests and abilities, but I've never had much financial success.

Meanwhile I live in an area with many high-earning tradespeople whose wealth and assets dwarf mine. As a number of posts here demonstrate, it's a quite a common story.

@unsuresue2 I wouldn't worry too much. Yes, it's important that they get their GCSEs - just to stop the resit anxiety. But learning doesn't (and shouldn't) finish at 16 or 18 or 21. I know three people who have done degrees as mature students (one almost 60 year old who just wanted to prove that they could get a degree in the subject they enjoyed most).

I left school with three grade 1 CSEs (in the day when you could do them). That's three grade C O level equivalents. I got an office job as a clerical assistant.

By the time I had my DS I'd got another O level (a 'proper' one), had taken a professional HR qualification over two years and got a management qualification via the OU whilst working full time. Because I realised, if I wanted to progress, I had to get them and I knew what I wanted to do.

I left work to become a SAHM 16 years ago and was on a salary of £45000 at that point.

Learning doesn't stop. As they discover what they want to do, see others achieving what they want and learn what those people have qualification wise, they'll set their own plan to get there. There are distance learning courses, mature student entry to university, evening classes, professional qualifications rather than general ones, apprenticeships etc., Something for everyone and for every type of learning/job.

Just keep supporting them and remember, as one of the teachers I work with says, GCSEs are a test of memory unfortunately. Not necessarily ability to 'do'.

I agree with this, the 'problem' doesn't lie with your children, it's with a system which undervalues the majority of very necessary work and encourages a rat race where by definition only a small number of people can 'win'. There are only so many of these prestigious well paid jobs. The job of changing that dynamic lies with all of us.

Leave your children alone and make sure they are happy, don't pressurise them to achieve academically, they will be who they will be.

I think we all hope our children will have our best bits and not the worst ones, so it's OK to be a bit disappointed. I always loved school and did well academically - until 6th form where I floundered as I was unhappy. I find it hard to relate to dd11 who is in Y6 and doesn't see the point of school, and is only scraping through 'expected' for maths and reading. She has autism so needs support but generally is not very interested or engaged and doesn't have a good memory or pick up new ideas fast.

Certainly early life is easier and more enjoyable if you are bright and good at school, so of course that's what we want for our children. However you say your DC are all round great kids with well developed emotional intelligence and I'd say this is more important tbh. My dd doesn't have those qualities and that worries me more than the low grades.

Emotional intelligence is a far greater predictor of general success and happiness in life OP.

Case in point, my school friend Amy. Such a funny, warm-hearted girl. I was aiming for A/A* at GCSE and Amy was aiming for Cs. I was in set 1 for most things, Amy in set 2 or 3, but we stayed friends as we saw each other in sports teams practice.

Amy worked hard, got mainly Cs, a few Ds and a few Bs at GCSE, enough to do her A levels in Sports, Business Studies and Media. She went to a local ex-poly to do a leisure and tourism degree. And from there, she has absolutely FLOWN.

She went into marketing, and moved from job to job, quickly rising up the ranks. Now, aged 38, she is marketing director at a large holiday company and earning much more than me (I am a teacher, big wow 😂) she manages a large team and I am sure that her hardworking, funny, confident, warm, team-spirited personality has been a far greater factor in her success than academic quals.

Work ethic, resilience and emotional intelligence are more important I think.

Not true my DH is autistic he's very very intelligent, he earns a really good wage 120k but he will never be a business owner because he doesn't have the soft skills to do it. Soft skills are very very important

Also this. If your DC is practically capable, get looking for an apprenticeship in a trade. Also possibly agriculture, if you live somewhere rural

I've noticed that a lot of people who are now successful and/or famous (for example, in the creative industries, sports and other fields) say that they were disinterested or failed in school, and they only "became" themselves after leaving school. School, particularly in the UK, can be a really rigid environment for people that have creative minds and other interests.

Anyway, it's emotional intelligence that will be most needed in the coming years. The robots will be handling everything else.

You wouldn't grade a fish on its ability to climb a tree...

Some people are not suited to academia but can be just as if not generally more successful than their peers who were deemed 'academically intelligent'

Some of the most successful people on the planet are school drops outs.

Emotional intelligence is an under rated and misunderstood skill and can generally carry your further in life than an academic qualification.

Whilst I wouldn't define myself as unintelligent I did well at school but never pursued university. Instead if worked my arse off, got in with the right people and am now earning 6 figs. Meanwhile friends that studied hard and went on to get degrees struggle to get by on 30-40k a year in their 'professional' jobs...

I have 2 degrees including a first with distinction from a top university.

My husband left school with 3 GCSEs. He now earns 4 times what I do.

I don't think you can predict your DCs future by comparing it to yours. Mainly because of AI.

I think in the next few decades many roles - low skilled and high skilled - will become more or less redundant because of tech /AI.
I think how to have a relevant skillset amongst this changing landscape will be a big marker in who is 'successful' in the future.

Sorry but doesn’t that say far more about men and women in society today and the kid of jobs they do than it does about the value of intelligence.

Stop pushing this shit onto your kids.

It is damaging to them and to your relationship that you are viewing them this way.

Life is not a race or a league table and there are prizes at the end. We are all worm food. These people (your children) are exactly what they need to be, they are perfect, fully complete individual human beings and they have been sent to teach you something. Start learning.

hope I don’t sound like a dick, but I was always high achieving academically, my husband not so much - not terrible though, probably lower average. He thinks he’s dyslexic but was never diagnosed (small rural schools). His writing at times reminds me of my friends who are dyslexic, so I think he could be right.

However, he earns way more than me in an engineering trade role and I know many others in this situation as well.

Thank you @NOTANUM I very much appreciate your kindness.

Sometime perspective is all we need to feel better.

After we lost our home we moved to a northern coastal town which has brought us joy. Support services are less overloaded here so the dc have far more help, as do I, which I am deeply grateful for.

I got As and As at GCSE, went to uni and got good results but haven’t achieved anything career wise. My sister in law who was expelled at school and had a baby at 20 has been to uni in her late 20s and got herself a really good job. Her husband who did awful at school and has very low intelligence earns big money.
I am sure your children will do fine in life.

educational attainment is an accurate predictor for their success in later life

Really?

How are you defining success?

Dont judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree.

The world doesnt need leaders with top notch qualifications, they need grounded people with emotional intelligence who want to help people, whether that's ina career or personal circumstance.

Being clever is great but without emotional intelligence it's very limiting.

Not everyone has a talent bit that doesnt mean they arent valuable, a good friend, a hard worker.

Most importantly, your kids version of success may ot align with yours. Enjoy watching and supporting them to find themselves. X

They’re not ‘average’ they’re 7 and if you and your husband are anything to go by you don’t need to worry.

If its reassuring, I left school with basic GCSEs and found a job I was passionate about in my twenties.

I've learnt so much about it and really spread my wings and I now manage people with higher qualifications due to my experience and development in the field.

Allowances are always made when people enter the workforce but you can often tell from a mile away the people who have held jobs, especially customer facing roles, compared to young people frssh out of education. My point being that education gives one thing and skills give another and a good manager should be able to praose them on what they do well and coach them in the areas they need to build confidence. So in time they may have a job with opportunities and support to progress, whether they are academic or not.

We forget that when we leave school/uni, only the people doing professions using their degrees like medicine or marketing will know exactly what they need to know and even then there will be departmental training. Nobody leaves school with a carers qualification, a driving licence or at the top of their game for their education (mechanic, chef, medicine), life is for learning and developing. An A at GCSE does little more that open the door to further education, which may not suit them X

I haven't read the full thread but kindly - you need to give your head a wobble.

My dd has a rare genetic condition that means she may not make it to adulthood and she has learning difficulties. I'd be flipping ecstatic if she was 'average' at anything.

I know I'm undermining how you feel with my 'it could be worse' scenario. But honestly sit and think, they're healthy, they have a lifetime of potential ahead of them.

I was the smart one at school, my brother struggled due to his dyslexia.
I went to uni and have a good job, not what anything near what I planned!
He trained as a PT and makes a tonne of cash! Just because he wasn't traditionally "clever" doesn't mean he isn't. I could never do what he does (for a start I love cake too much!) And vice versa. But we're both successful, and more importantly, happy people.
I think you're putting too much pressure on them following your path instead of their own

My dad and brother are both thick af.My brother got i think maybe 3 gcse's. Ended up working offshore on an oil rig and I don't know what he does but he makes nearly 50 grand a year.

My dad didn't even bother taking his gcse's, went into the army and then came out and went down a security route. He's currently a vp in an oil firm running their world security and literally a millionaire. Last week he sent me a text and spelt bubbles like bubbals. So clearly grades aren't everything.

Even my husband although he did manage to get into university did so through clearing, his a levels were a b,c, and e and he came the second lowest in his uni class but he now owns his own engineering company.

On the other hand I'm very academic, got 12 a and a*s at school, have a bachelors and a masters and whilst I'm on the career path I want I currently earn less than half of all of them.

I really wouldn't worry about your kids they'll manage. You don't need to be super intelligent to go to university of thats what they want but if not there are so many other routes into work and careers that don't require academic success. I'm sure they'll be fine because they clearly have parents who care about their success.