Children's intelligence level

[unsuresue2]

I'm going to be totally honest here- at the risk of sounding very snobby but can't shake a feeling of real disappointment for my kids.
It's obvious to me that my kids are middle of the road in their class for maths and really struggling with literacy, understandable as both diagnosed with dyslexia- however their general IQ / CAT scores are also mid range (literacy really low against this) and my older child will start GCSE work soon and it's clear he will struggle to keep up.
I have been getting all help I can, fortunate position where I can afford tutors etc
But I find it really sad for them and a constant worry for me, that their educational attainment is an accurate predictor for their success in later life.
I have always been in the higher end IQ, loved school and got really good marks that allowed for uni education and professional qualifications- and I am fully aware of the privileged position that put me in- with good job and high earnings I enjoy today- I just don't see my kids being able to attain anywhere near that educational success, and I really worry for them that life will be a struggle.
They have loads of wonderful qualities- sporty (not premier league/ Olympics) kind and funny, great emotional intelligence etc.
I love them unconditionally, goes without saying, but I just want the very best for them and can't seem to shake this feeling that their intelligence markers are not predicting great futures.
Please help me with some perspective/ similar experiences

My eldest DD got a 60 percent scholarship to an independent school and was very academic. She got her degree Masters and then got a job but could have done PhD. My son who has ADHD, was offered to go to the same independent school, so we thought he would have the same chances in life, but he refused to go because he didn't want to go to school on Saturdays from 8-3pm. He could have done A levels and a degree as had good GCSE'S but refused to stay at school. He now is a class 1 lorry driver in high demand and earning close to £50k in the North of England where wages on average are lower. He took a £7k pay cut to move up North to his new job. We all thought it was odd, but he worked out he can buy his own home and have a better quality of life as prices are cheaper up North. He earns more than my DD who works part time in finance as she has 2 small children. Both are happy with their lives. My DS has always known his own mind and what he wants and doesn't want. I actually think he is far smarter than my DD although she is academically more qualified. My IQ is high and I'm grateful my DC both seem to have got IQ gene from me and not exh.

You’re being incredibly short sighted. So many successful people bombed at school. Also so many have a degree that they didn’t even end up using so education is a poor indicator of future success. You’re worrying over nothing.

I have four children. Two went to university, two struggled in school and left with few very low grade GCSEs. Those two have been the most successful in their careers.

Whilst I earn more than DH and got my degree after school he is doing fine.

He got 2 Cs at a level. Got into a college but dropped out and didn't get a degree until his mud 40s via the OU.

He's in a rewarding and enjoyable career on £70K plus a car.

Your children are not an extension of you or a reflection on you, either; they are people in their own right. What if they don't want the things you want for them?

My husband is dyslexic, he tanked secondary school, hated the learning styles etc. Went back to college to study something that he enjoyed and then on to do a degree and professional accreditations. We met at work, in the same senior role, different paths got us there, I was academic, all A*/A at GCSE, 5 full A levels (one in my spare time after school to fit a full time table in as 3 was the norm then).

School isn't right for everyone, and finding a passion or something you have an interest is really important when considering future careers. If you can try and look outside of the "normal" path that you've found yourself traveling and really find out what stimulates your children you sound more than invested and it sounds like you'd be able to support them along their own paths.

My youngest son struggled so much at school , it was truly heartbreaking .It led to bad behaviour and really difficult school years .He has ADHD /Dyslexia However since he has left school he has absolutely excelled at everything he has done .He is excellent in his chosen field (Hotel Management) and is now doing a degree in same .He still has to work extremely hard but he is used to that .Just continue to support your kids as much as you can .If you don't give up , they won't either .

My experience is that to be a high earner you need single minded determination and good people skills. High intelligence is far less important, and without focus or people skills is pretty useless on the career front.

My friend and my brother did badly at school, one now runs a building company, earning over £100k a year for him personally and my brother became a plumber and earns over £80k!
My most academic friend (on paper, all A*s at GCSE) is in middle management, as she's not great at thinking outside the box, and leading teams. She doesn't earn anywhere near what they do.

YABVU. Degrees aren’t worth the paper they’re written on anymore because everyone and their dog has one.

The greatest indicator of success in life is not how clever you are, or how rich you are, or a “good” career, but how happy you are.

You might have a high IQ but you are miserable about your children, so you are not successful.

I don't think there's any correlation between pay/satisfaction at work and high iq

Good work ethic and resilience, the ability to work in a team, to appreciate others and confidence are all skills you can instill or encourage in your kids as an involved parent. I'd absolutely focus on these.

My brother wasn't the most academic of all of us but he is a doctor and once he got to high-school and found his focus he came on leaps and bounds. My very clever sister lacked work ethic and didnt achieve her full potential but that doesnt mean she won't go onto. Shes doing really well in her current job and is happy. My dh did an aviation engineering degree and then graduated just after 9/11 and couldn't find a job in his field. He got a job in a bank and through promotions, moving sideways he earns a great salary, receives a hefty bonus every year and most importantly is happy Money does give you choices so is important but not being academic doesn't mean they'll necessarily end up in a low paid job. One of my good friends at school left with very few gases and is a plumber, he charges £70 just for a call out.

Don't upset yourself just be proactive, help them emotionally and with their school work so they don't fall through the gaps.

I'm a bit like you, in that I loved school and did very well. One of my children has SEN and the other just hated school. My husband also hated school and left early with no qualifications.
However I am now in a medium level office job earning just ok money.
DH is a senior manager wearning 100K pa
My son who hated school left school last year and is in an exellent apprenticship which will lead to a sought after and well paid qualification.

Anyway, my point is that there are lots of ways to get where you want to go and educational acheivement is not the only way to make good money.
If I were you I'd encourage your children to do what makes them happy.

They will have other skills.

I am “intelligent”. Passed exams with very little effort, have a PhD.

yet to earn the “real” money in my field, as I’m so many fields, I need to move up into management. But I’m crap at it and wouldn’t enjoy it.

so there are many people above me, earning more than me, some with barely any qualifications, who are excellent at managing 🤷‍♀️

they also are on track to retire 10
years earlier than me as while I was at uni they were working and paying into a pension. Plus no student debts and 8 years more of salary.

as to what my plumber and electrician pull in per year 😳.

one of mine is reasonably clever but very unmotivated academically. She wants to get an apprenticeship. I fully support that. Having done the academic route I don’t think it’s all that great.

See I’m from a very academic family, as is DP (we have 5 degrees and 3 professional qualifications between us), and I honestly would LOVE to have a sporty and emotionally intelligent child. We’ve got enough nerds in the family 😁

So I say count your lucky stars!

I’m the opposite op. My kids are really bright but don’t have the privilege markers that have enabled some of the posters on here to elevate themselves despite their poor academic achievements. Life isn’t fair.

I was one of those A* across the board students, am very academic. I’m now a primary school teacher, an excellent one by others’ accounts, and am literally scraping by at the moment.

DH has a ridiculously high IQ, yet is an ex firefighter turned painter decorator and does ok, but as above we are really struggling.

There are so many factors in success, and academics are only a small part of that. Very important to do your best, but it’s not the end of the world if you’re ‘middling’.

I'm the thick one from a family of academics. Their disappointment in my was obvious even though they tried to hide it. I wasn't thick at all, got grade Cs at GCSEs and I got a degree.

I'm in a fairly average job, not a high earner but I'm happy. One very bright sibling died of MH problems, the other one is in an entry level admin role after decades of poor mental health.

Go for happiness. They've got more chance of success without pressure, feeling they're failures and comparison to others.

Also, my brother cocked about for his entire school and university career, yet used his contacts to walk into a job and is now earning £100k+ in banking.

Makes you wish you hadn’t put so much pressure on yourself in school/university!

There's is also different paths. Some kids just arnt ready for high school or gcses and get lost but discover a passion when a bit older and return to get the qualifications they need.

Don't worry. If they're happy and emotionally intelligent they'll be fine (and credit to you for making them that way!). Academic success is only one way of achieving goals. You may have enjoyed success at school - they may need to get through school first and then find their groove.

My friends who I finished school with ranged from extremely academic (one of them off the charts) to average. Now 20 years on 1 doctor, 1 lawyer, 2 teachers and one millionaire and it’s not the way you think. Honestly I’ve found education to be advantageous but not necessarily academic achievement.

You NEED to read Mindset by Carol Dweck. A growth mindset matters far more than IQ. Children can learn mindset from early on and I think it's probably harder to learn later so start now. The greatest in business and world leaders think like this. The worst thing you can do is label children as 'bright', 'average','dim', 'arty', 'sporty' etc. Anyone can go anything if they have a growth mindset. You'll probably find it helpful too!

Time to change mindset op. Think of what they can do, not what they cant. My severely dyslexic asd teen surprised me this week. His memory is amazing. I was going over some revision with his and his grasp of it was brilliant. He won't be ablento get it on paper very well but I'm hoping with reader and scribe he will get what he needs to be able to go on amd do what he wants to do

You don’t know yet how hard they’ll work, how tenacious they’ll be, how prepared, how attractive their personalities will be to eg employers, you don’t know if they’ll be an expert in a certain field, or start a business or just plain get lucky with something!!! I have 4 sons and of the older 2, the eldest is incredible at remembering and learning but doesn’t study. Second breaks himself working at every subje And rises above the middle of the class. Either could go either way- I’ve stopped comparing them, stopped thinking it’s unfair, we’ll help both where we can and they’ll make their own path. As will yours x