Children's intelligence level

[unsuresue2]

I'm going to be totally honest here- at the risk of sounding very snobby but can't shake a feeling of real disappointment for my kids.
It's obvious to me that my kids are middle of the road in their class for maths and really struggling with literacy, understandable as both diagnosed with dyslexia- however their general IQ / CAT scores are also mid range (literacy really low against this) and my older child will start GCSE work soon and it's clear he will struggle to keep up.
I have been getting all help I can, fortunate position where I can afford tutors etc
But I find it really sad for them and a constant worry for me, that their educational attainment is an accurate predictor for their success in later life.
I have always been in the higher end IQ, loved school and got really good marks that allowed for uni education and professional qualifications- and I am fully aware of the privileged position that put me in- with good job and high earnings I enjoy today- I just don't see my kids being able to attain anywhere near that educational success, and I really worry for them that life will be a struggle.
They have loads of wonderful qualities- sporty (not premier league/ Olympics) kind and funny, great emotional intelligence etc.
I love them unconditionally, goes without saying, but I just want the very best for them and can't seem to shake this feeling that their intelligence markers are not predicting great futures.
Please help me with some perspective/ similar experiences

Some of the most successful business people didn’t even complete school and are also dyslexic.. many more are very happy doing a job they love even tho they don’t earn a huge salary .. I wouldn’t worry about academic success just keep helping them when they need it and try not to put pressure on them. I have 2 Dd7 Ds12 are both top of class in everything despite both being youngest in class they find school easy the eldest DD15 struggles more and always has been mid range and I think will probably not want to go into further education. As long as they healthy and happy I don’t think it matters what they end up doing or earning.

There are other successful career paths that don’t need high academic qualifications.

you need to adjust your perspective on ‘success’ and what this looks like.

I dont like having a high IQ. I think its just not practical in this world. Your children dont need high IQ or school results to be happy in life.

Children with dylexia are often thought to be 'middle of the road' (or lazy) when in school. The dyslexia makes easy things more difficult. Short-term memory stuff is huge in school and yet very difficult for dyslexics. Intelligence tests don't work well on them all either.

Oddly though, dylslexia can make difficult things easy. It does have an up side... but this won't be visible in most of their schooling.

Just help them through the things they find difficult now and don't worry.

If they are coping with dyslexia and seem middle in school - they are likely to be pretty intelligent.
(Primary school literacy and numarcy are likely to remain difficult even if they go on to study beyond Masters level at uni.)

It is likely that difficult things (like medicine/astrophysics/philosophy/running a business/being prime minister) they come across later will not be nearly as hard for them as for their peers.

In my friendship group there's a mix. Two of the ones who did well at school became a doctor and a corporate lawyer respectively. The latter makes quite a lot of money I think. Another friend was asked to leave sixth form has her own company and more money than anyone else in the group bar maybe the corporate lawyer.

Look at young Sheldon. In many ways Missy is more successful than the gifted Sheldon.

Look at the jobs held by Mensa members - many of them don't have particularly good jobs.

Good academic scores don't necessarily turn into highly paid jobs and highly paid jobs don't necessarily make a person happy anyway.

In my experience the people I know who were very high fliers in a selective school (old direct grant type grammar) went on to have very similar careers to the moderately achieving. Also some very academic people found their job over demanding and left to take a different path. While having a low income can be a constant worry and stress above a certain level unhappiness in work cat outweigh the benefits of a high income. Academic ability doesn’t always correlate with the highest life satisfaction. Unless you have a vocation , for example medicine or veterinary science, I don’t think it matters as much as you think.

I understand how and why you’d feel that way, but I do think it’s lacking a bit of perspective because academic success isn’t a totally accurate predictor of future success.

I have a high IQ and a stellar academic record, but due to various unexpected health problems I haven’t fulfilled any of my potential in terms of career path or earnings. I’m not the only one who has seen myself far outstripped in those areas by classmates with much lower intelligence and academic ability. Some have surprised me with their actual skill and understanding. I have also seen friends who have reached their dream career roles and salaries end up miserable due to other aspects of their lives. So not only can you not reliably predict career or income from academic success, you also can’t predict happiness or fulfilment from someone’s job or salary.

In short I just can’t overstate how much I have seen grades and academic intelligence not be the predictor of someone’s success.

A huge predictor of success in all areas is mental and physical health, and self belief. I am sure you haven’t let your children pick up on any of your concerns, and that’s important. Let them know you believe in them and can see what sound like their many excellent qualities. I think they sound like they could go far. Not to mention that they could actually end up getting better grades than your think. It’s worth getting the best marks they can, even without making academics the be all and end all, because sometimes just having that certain grade or number of qualifications can be a prerequisite for a role they want. Not an insurmountable problem if they don’t, but helpful if they do.

@Jah26 that's the loveliest thing I've read in a long time!

I did great at school. I was left to get on with things as it all came so naturally.

Absolutely crashed and burned when it came to the real world and taking responsibility for things as my parents hadn't taught me that. I had zero resilience and not achieving something sent me spiraling for years. I had unattainable goals, and no-one to talk some sense into me, or to try to steer me onto a more achievable goal. Or at least made sure I had alternative goals to try for.

I've spent the past 20 years as a minimum wage grunt as a result. I'm never going to be earning high figures, but at least I can become a better example to my kids. I'm sure as hell not going to let them go down the same path I have.

One of the school mums has gone back to college to learn to read and write, her husband was put in borstal type places as a child/teenager but he earns on average £10,000 a month, the lifestyle is unbelievable. Both left school with no qualifications but he was brilliant at carpentry and owns his own company. The mums anc dads that went to uni etc are the ones that seem to struggle, which kind of got me thinking, what's the point really.

@Dyra there are so many of us with similar stories. The whole system pushes us towards achieving academically then the real world has different values. Its a broken system.

You need to seriously change your mindset hide your disappointment and focus on having happy healthy kids

I was going to say something similar, not about myself but some friends of mine, but you've said it all there. So many crash and burn.

I didn't crash and burn but never did particularly well after a v good academic start and a prestigious uni degree. It was more a case of being the wrong fit for the path I took but I felt like a total failure. The down side of being good academically is expectations are very high especially in very MC families where its all about education education education. On the flip side my very MC friend has a son who has discovered an interest in a craft and wants to be a tradesman working in this area. Because of her background she has no connections for arranging apprenticeships and she is concerned about that.. but she had the good sense to send him to a school in a more WC area where they have an excellent programme for trades. He is thriving there and will do great in life. Just find what they are good at OP, thr rest will fall into place. Good luck

A recent example, had 2 interns 3 years ago, one a Russell Group STEM graduate and 1 failed all A levels. Attitude to work, common sense and taking their own initiative and not have a detailed step by step manual to guide daily workflow. The one that failed A levels really stood out.
Currently, Failed A levels intern is in a high salary London job whilst the RG STEM grad doing well in steady not high paying job. Both, happy and enjoying their life and there were hiccups in their workplace but they overcame it all and had good job mentors.

Of course it depends what you define as success....a good job? Prospects? Money? You can get all of those as a skilled tradesman. Happiness? Love? Family? They don't depend on your qualifications either.
I think you are seriously underestimating your kids and their potential and quite honestly a bit insulting to the millions of people that are living the best lives without university educations. Qualifications guarantee only 1 thing....more choices.

All my kids are very intelligent but not particularly academic,one is a carer, one is currently unemployed but the third is doing a masters.

what matters to me most is that they're happy.

all my grandchildren are showing signs of being over average intelligence too.

it's no indication of future success

Doone it isn't even more choice sometimes.

After kids I was looking at part time roles such as nhs admin /local council admin. Having 2 good degrees went completely against me and they said as much on the phone. They completely built up a different picture of me - whereas someone local who left school at 16 can easily walk into these part time roles!

My son is dyslexic and did not well at all in GCSE and A levels - just got a pass at first degree but he found his niche and went on to do further degrees, is now head of his department and tells me he now earns £300,000 paying 45% tax- your children can get extra time in exams.

This is SO true and not recognized anywhere near enough!

A lad I know struggled at school ut was determined to get to college to do a chef course. The first year at college he was student of the year, the second year he won the travelling scholarship. His brother went to uni, but who is earning big bucks now, the European, global prize-winning chef. It just goes to show that being clever is not always a prediction of a good job.

I did really well academically, went to Uni, went straight into a graduate role and did well for myself. My 2 younger siblings both really struggled. Whereas I got A's, they struggled to get D's or E's. Both left school at 16 with barely any qualifications and my mum worried about them. Fast forward 20 years later and we are all on similar earnings. They both advanced with great personalities, charming, work ethic, went into sales and business roles. It might have taken them slightly longer to get there and they had to work their way up. But business now is not about qualifications, watch any episode of The Apprentice, it's all about attitude, determination and work ethic. My sister in law got a Law degree from a top University, but didn't like Law. Gave it up to have kids and now does a basic admin role. Instill the right attitude in your kids and encourage them to never give up and do their best and they will not go far wrong.

This. Having recognised DC are not overly academic don't push them too hard with study, revision and tutors. Yes, maybe a tutor to help ensure they pass English and maths but don't over do it. Maybe a tutor in another subject they actually enjoy.

With a supportive upbringing and great emotional intelligence they WILL have a bright future. But only if their mental health remains good through school... plenty of fun!

As others have said please don't ever let them feel or hear your thoughts on this.... kids have big ears when adults around them are talking! You love them unconditionally but they will feel they have disappointed you in some way.

Finally, apart from the good ideas for lucrative jobs suggested by other pp, access to degrees is now much more open through the apprenticeship schemes, starting from almost any level and, with determination ending up with a degree or masters. This route, you end up with less debt, more experience on your CV by the time you graduate.

A chat with a local FE college will reassure you in this respect...

Sounds like you have gorgeous kids, just let them know exam grades aren't everything and make sure they meet lots of people who took other routes to success.

Good luck!

Hello! I am a teacher; I have taught both primary and secondary and I can say with confidence there is a huge range of intellectual ability in children, that often doesn't confirm to their parents intelligence level and also isn't linked to socio-economic status. Firstly, success isn't just based on intelligence; many people who are highly intelligent struggle in the workplace as they have poor organizational abilities, are low in contentiousness and have weaker interpersonal skills, so a middle of the road IQ doesn't mean they can never succeed in a professional job, but they might want to focus on careers that are more people focused like management or HR. My main piece of advice though, particularly from teaching GCSE and A level kids at a high preforming independent school, is don't push them down an academic path if they want to go in a different direction, just because its the social norm in your circle for peoples kids to go to uni. I taught one girl in particular who was middle of the road academically but loved horses. She really wanted to go to agricultural collage and learn to manage horses as a career, but her parents were adamant she would go to uni as they felt this was the safest rout for her. Unfortunately she was miserable about this, probably struggled once she got to uni as she only got there because of intense tutoring and in the end would have felt worse about herself and not succeeded in a professional career like law or medicine (which is probably what her parents were hoping for her), as she just wasn't academically suited for those sorts of roles. I always felt really bad for her and wished the focus wasn't so much about pushing all kids into uni, despite their natural aptitude.

Oh without a doubt.
I suppose I was making the point that you can still do well without academic qualifications. If you’re a man 😂
Actually I intended to write more but the kids interrupted me. Even without the gender pay gap and me opting to sacrifice my career to raise a family (childcare costs meant one of us had to, and the patriarchy dictated that it made more sense for it to be me as I earned less) my husband is more ambitious and has a much better work ethic than me. I am disorganised, lack self belief and place little value in earning money so despite ticking all the academic boxes to be in a fulfilling and lucrative career by now, I’m in an exhausting but rewarding key worker role in education that pays peanuts. Interpersonal skills, resilience and confidence (or the ability to fake it) go a long way I think.