Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

[DisneyBaby]

I grew up in a house where it was rude to go upstairs in someone else's house and even if the toilet was upstairs and I needed to go, I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc...

This is the norm for most people isn't it?

My MIL always tries to find an excuse to go upstairs in our house and I'm really uncomfortable with it. Firstly it's messy and secondly I just feel like bedrooms etc are private. Am I alone in thinking this?

She sometimes makes out she's looking for something in my daughters room or says my daughter wanted to go up there etc. But other times she's said things like 'I bet you can see ..... from your bedroom window' and tried to go up to see something from my and DH room.

Would you have a problem with this?
I don't know why she feels it's acceptable...

I'd be mortified if a friend asked if they could
my toilet, never mind family. Of course you can. You're not a kid in school.

She might not feel like family to you but your partner is her child. Give your head a wobble and close your bedroom door.

@DisquietintheRanks My mother knew she shouldn’t be in there. Why do people have to nose. There are all sorts of things in bedrooms that are private. Not just what you think.

PS she isn’t a great mother

Why don't you just tidy up?

The first thing I thought of was 'Is she a dog?'

TBH she probably thinks you have things on display you don't want her to see as you are making it clear to her it's out of bounds.

No, your opinion isn't common. I happily tell anyone they can use the family bathroom rather than the downstairs cloakroom as the downstairs loo isn't very 'soundproof' (I do have an en suite as well and that's 'my space' although there is nothing secret in there and I'd happily allow family to use it.)

The answer is to tidy up so you aren't ashamed of the mess!

Yes to the bedroom etc.

But what if somebody doesn't have a downstairs bathroom?

I'd ask whether I could use the bathroom and expect the host to indicate where I should go. But I would not specifically ask whether it was okay to go upstairs (if that's where indicated bathroom was).

If I already knew where the bathroom was (only one bathroom, upstairs) I probably would just say that I needed to go to the bathroom etc. And not specifically ask whether I would be given access to (the only) bathroom.

Isn't it normal to give guests access to a bathroom?

@ActDottie what could other people possibly want to see in other peoples bedrooms?
I should have to tidy everything in the house if we have a visitor.

I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc

If there was only one toilet then surely you'd say 'Is it alright to use your toilet?'

You wouldn't need to say 'upstairs' would you?

It feels intrusive to me too. My MIL stayed at mine once and had a nice outfit that needed hanging - the only suitable place was in my bedroom. After the first trip in to hang it up it was like the seal broke and she kept just going in and out as she fancied. I found it very hard as my bedroom is private to me. Annoyingly I know she feels the same as she's protective about certain areas of her own house and doesn't want me going in them (which I understand and am respectful of)!

BubblinTrouble · Today 17:03
My family all commands, Davies upstairs is definitely not out of bounds

@BubblinTrouble either you’re on the wrong thread or you’ve already had a few gins?!? I hope you poured one for Davies!

I think it is polite to ask before you go into someone's bedroom. Don't really go into teen DS's room without asking first unless to sort out laundry.

If MIL could still do stairs I would do this.

Fascinating how different people are on this. Personally I think we're allowed boundaries. I view my bedroom as my private space. I would not expect people to go in unless invited. When my kids were little, of course I went in. Once they hit a certain age, I started asking.

For those who think any room is fair game. Have a little respect for others. You might be fine, doesn't mean others are.

Nope, my SIL is like this and my MIL would do anything to have a snoop. They are gutted when we had a downstairs toilet

Something's definitely been lost with predictive text or ChatGPT

I’m with you on this, brought up the same way. My friends only ever saw upstairs when we moved in. My family never go upstairs and don’t want to. Only bedrooms up there and they see these as private. I only go upstairs at relatives homes for the bathroom, other doors are closed and I respect their privacy. Absolutely no reason for her to be up there either than a bathroom or to play with grandchildren in their rooms

Fil and mil regularly wander upstairs looking for dc it using bathroom. They know not to comment on mess as I handed them the hoover when they did once

No it’s rude, she’s a nosey bitch.

My mil was like this 🙄

What on earth is going on in all these bedrooms that is so private?

Make the bed, hang clothes up, put your dirty pants in the laundry basket, open the window and no issue.

I wouldn't want people going in my room but I wouldn't stop my mum/MIL going to play up in my kids bedroom if they wanted to.

I always ask to go upstairs if we're in someone else's house though.

Well my PIL sleep in our room when they come to stay as it has an ensuite for them and they can't manage the stairs up to the spare room so I think that ship has sailed in this house!

I feel similar OP. We have a downstairs loo, so unless people are staying there's no need to go upstairs.

If I go to my FIL or SIL's houses I'll only go upstairs if I've been invited to. I wouldn't dream of going up there. Even if I've been invited I feel awkward! My niece asked me to come see her room and I got her to check with her mum before I went up.

I even asked my Mum if it was OK to show her bedroom to my DH the other week (they've just moved house)!

As this thread has proven however, there are some families where it is normal, so perhaps neither of you are being unreasonable, just that you have different opinions.

Very strange my older sister does this. It's so annoying I shove junk in my room if giving downstairs a quick tidy. Also used to have neice and nephew taking food in my DC's room's. So we put some star locks on. Obviously not to lock anyone in more to keep people out.

I was brought up the same way. Thankfully, so was my MIL.

Years ago my parents gave me a graduation brunch party. It was for grad school so my colleagues and friends were all well past our young adult years. A fellow grad attended. She went upstairs and decided to take a nap!!! She'd never been in my parents' home before. I was pretty shocked.

You never have sex in any other room?