Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

[DisneyBaby]

I grew up in a house where it was rude to go upstairs in someone else's house and even if the toilet was upstairs and I needed to go, I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc...

This is the norm for most people isn't it?

My MIL always tries to find an excuse to go upstairs in our house and I'm really uncomfortable with it. Firstly it's messy and secondly I just feel like bedrooms etc are private. Am I alone in thinking this?

She sometimes makes out she's looking for something in my daughters room or says my daughter wanted to go up there etc. But other times she's said things like 'I bet you can see ..... from your bedroom window' and tried to go up to see something from my and DH room.

Would you have a problem with this?
I don't know why she feels it's acceptable...

Really? That’s an unusual view. Most people don’t expect to find people, family or not, wandering in their bedrooms for no good reason. To think a bedroom is no more private than say a kitchen is not the norm.

Maybe tidy your upstairs?

My MIL goes wandering about upstairs in our house, looks in all the bedrooms and has even invited her friends to come and look. I absolutely hate it. But whenever I try to enforce boundaries I'm the unreasonable one, so...

We're moving house soon and I'm going to make it very clear that bathrooms upstairs are fine but everything else is off limits unless you're invited in (e.g. if DS asks her to play in his room).

Or maybe people shouldn’t expected to see every bit of someone’s house or think they have free rein to go onto someone’s bedroom without permission.

Tidy or not, it is not MIL’s bedroom.

Definately overstepping boundaries, shut all the doors next time and see if she still does it?

This. Can't believe you'd be so rude to your husbands mother and your child's grandmother.

I wouldn’t expect her to ask to go upstairs to the toilet. If grandchild asked her to look at something in their room it would be okay with me but I wouldn’t want anyone going in my bedroom. I wouldn’t treat her like a dog that’s only allowed in certain rooms but if she went in my bedroom I wouldn’t be happy and I would ask her what she wanted in there ( can I help you? said in semi challenging manner).

I don't think bedrooms are any more private than any other room in the house

This poster obviously doesn’t own any sex toys. Or underwear.

Bedrooms are private I wouldn't like her going in them. Children's rooms I can get if the child's showing something but your room and others no. I think you need to say look i just want my bedroom to be left alone please respect my privacy and boundaries.. get your partner to say it if you don't want to

Toilet..of course.
Kids bedroom.. off you go.
My bedroom, off limits, no need under the sun to go in other than nosiness.

@DisneyBaby what happens if you live in a flat? Does it only apply to houses?

Is this a British thing? I remember being baffled when I first lived in England (outside of student accommodation and small London flats) when people seemed to expect a formal ‘tour’ of an extension/ renovation/ new house. I haven’t the remotest interest in looking around other people’s houses unless they’re very old or architecturally quirky — and only then if permitted. Our only current bathroom is upstairs, so all visitors go there, but I’ve not encountered anyone poking about…

This poster obviously doesn’t own any sex toys. Or underwear

Maybe she’s a swinger?

I think if it was a random error then yes it would be rude but she's immediate family so personally find it weird that you think its rude she goes upstairs in her sons house. I'd be really upset if my daughters don't consider us close enough when they're grown up for me to even be able to use the upstairs toilet without asking.

To be honest to me it just sounds like you're a bit a scruff and are ashamed of what it looks like.

Don't most people put their sex toys away-particularly if they have children? Mine would have been galloping round pretending to be unicorns or something if I'd left a dildo out. And underwear? Dirty in the basket-who cares who sees clean?

I have never come across this concept before. I wouldn't open a closed door in someone elses house unless invited. But our own doors are never closed and I'm not bothered where guests go.

The house I grew up in was a bungalow!

I suppose this attitude being prevalent explains my recent confusion - we had a party and people kept queueing at the downstairs WC. I had to keep telling people we had 3 more loos upstairs and to help themselves.

To be honest to me it just sounds like you're a bit a scruff and are ashamed of what it looks like.

I said this earlier …. Woman always get the blame.

I think if it was a random error then yes it would be rude but she's immediate family so personally find it weird that you think its rude she goes upstairs in her sons house.

I find it weird anyone would expect to go into the bedroom that their adult child and their spouse share just because they’re family or even expect to be allowed in there in the first place unless they have permission from both spouses. It’s not just the son’s bedroom but OP’s bedroom as well. If she doesn’t want her MIL in there, she shouldn’t have to because it’s her DH’s mother and vice versa if it was her own mother.

YANBU I’m a messy person and hate people going upstairs because it’s messy! Like other posters have said it’s probably more to do with not wanting people to see the mess!

Your aren't wrong OP it's absolutely okay to not want other people to go in your bedroom or to just randomly look around upstairs! As someone with a grandmother with zero personal boundaries my mum and I have spent years having to lock rooms or tell her off for just wondering around/going upstairs without even asking or even offering to take other people upstairs at my mums house with no permission. My gran came over to mine and my partners house when I was 5 days PP so I was still in some pain and recovering from birthday and was highly emotional at that point and I popped upstairs and she just followed me and started walking up my stairs and I said it was really messy and not to come up (I was still bleeding quite heavily so I had sanitary products and clothes lying that still needed picking up when I had the energy to tidy them) but she kept walking upstairs and I had to just tell her off that I didn't want her up here and that she didn't need to look. It really pissed me off and haven't invited her over since. Family or not everyone has a right to privacy.

I guess because my own mum is nosy.... And judgemental about cleaning etc, I would just expect the same nosiness from other people 🤣
Doesn't mean it isn't rude though, lol...
I'd say shut the doors, and lock if you can, of rooms don't want snooped in on....

My opinion is that one should ask to use the lavatory either up or downstairs. I wuld ever go into other people's bedrooms. Having said that I am old and was brought up to have
good manners.

I don’t understand this at all. Maybe tidy up your house so it doesn’t matter. It’s just rooms in your home and if someone is a guest then it’s fine surely? I’m shocked anyone thinks like this.

I'd have told my son to run a mile from you if that is how weird you are.
She's a grandparent and perfectly normal for her to go see her grandchildren bedrooms, see their toys and let the kids show them their rooms or play.
We're you not allowed friends in the house? Cause all my friends came round and played in my room and you will have a he'll of alot of people coming over and going upstairs when your kids are in the teenage years.
Just tidy tour mess up 🙄

100% agree.