Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

[DisneyBaby]

I grew up in a house where it was rude to go upstairs in someone else's house and even if the toilet was upstairs and I needed to go, I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc...

This is the norm for most people isn't it?

My MIL always tries to find an excuse to go upstairs in our house and I'm really uncomfortable with it. Firstly it's messy and secondly I just feel like bedrooms etc are private. Am I alone in thinking this?

She sometimes makes out she's looking for something in my daughters room or says my daughter wanted to go up there etc. But other times she's said things like 'I bet you can see ..... from your bedroom window' and tried to go up to see something from my and DH room.

Would you have a problem with this?
I don't know why she feels it's acceptable...

I have never ever heard the concept of not going upstairs before, ever. Had a big mix of friends growing up from council houses to mansions and went upstairs In all!

actually would say it’s extremely rude not to let a close family member in half the house. If a bedroom or bathroom was a real mess I would just pull that door closed and explain it !

I was raised you don’t go upstairs unless invited/instructed too.

I don’t even want my children in my room let alone my mil or even my own mother. It’s the one room I can have as slobby or equally sex dungeon as I wish 😅

plus my mil is a commenting mil. Oh the tv needs dusting, why do you have that there, hmmm you really have too much stuff blah blah blah. Lucky I open the door 😂 she just walked in once cheeky sod didn’t even knock. Now the doors locked permanently.

YANBU - Bedrooms are private. If no need to go upstairs then she stays downstairs.

Nope, I’ve never mooched about in my adult DC’s houses and I’d never go into anyone else’s bedroom unless explicitly invited to. I agree with the OP that it’s rude to nosey around other people’s bedrooms.

Bedrooms should be private, including the kids rooms too.

I don’t allow teen DS to take his friends upstairs as they have a perfectly good sized playroom downstairs and a downstairs toilet so no need to go wandering.

what’s wrong with being nosy about a house? In my circle every new guest gets a “tour” of all the rooms!

I would never dream of wandering round upstairs in PIL house without them asking me to, I'd never go into their bedroom without them asking- why would I? I feel the same way about them and DH and my's bedroom. They're very welcome to go in the children's rooms- DD is always taking MIL to show her something or other. We have a downstairs bathroom so they don't need to go to the upstairs guest bathroom. They only live 5 minutes away so don't stay over.

Being given a tour is quite different from basically going upstairs to nose in a bedroom.

We did the tours when we first moved in / were moving in when it was show home not lived in yet. No need to check it again a year later 😅

My mum does this. She used to ask if she could look at my bedroom, and I’d say no. Then she’d sit looking shifty for a bit, announce she was going to the toilet, and a minute later I’d hear her crashing about tiptoeing from the bathroom to my bedroom. Then denied until she was blue in the face.

We were also quite strict about bedrooms being private for DCs as well. No going in without invitation.

My own mum & one sibling are nosy bitches and I no longer want them in my house for any length of time as they simply can’t be trusted not to snoop

sibling once swiped a spare key to let herself in and was only caught out because I’d change the alarm code

mother let herself into my bedroom then claimed ‘may have lost x item while in there so had a look around but couldn’t find it’

aka ‘have had a good snoop and here’s my excuse if you noticed anything moved about’

haven’t worked out how to install an extra lock yet (tricky door set up) but no visitors, of any relation or none, allowed in my bedroom or, now, upstairs to toilet without being supervised

which is shit and not my preference but some people, even family, just have a serious lack of respect for other people and a massive sense of entitlement so until they act like decent human beings then they have to be treated like the weirdos they are

I mean I think polite to say you're off elsewhere in someone's house, in-front of family and let them know where you're going in their home - I always just double check with the in laws if I can use their bathroom! I wouldn't be giving details, just a polite "do you mind if I use your bathroom" or similar.

It would be impolite to discuss what you were doing, or discuss it in public imo.

I don’t think it’s normal to expect your parent or in-laws to ask to use the toilet and to not go into their grandkids room.

it sounds to be too like you’re embarrassed about upstairs so you’re blaming her and saying well she shouldn’t go up there. When in reality either accept it’s messy or get it dealt with.

If my adult children or their partners felt they had to ask to use the loo in my house I would be really sad. I'm so glad they all feel at home.

I was also brought up like this. And was a bit surprised when some friends came round and their kids were thundering all over the house.

I think our bedroom is private and when our children were home their bedrooms were private too. The children often had friends in their bedrooms but my mother was the only person to go in our bedroom. She got told immediately it was out of bounds. If she had tried it again that would have been her last visit.

No its also weird to do that unless you live in a stately home and are selling tickets.

Depends if you also have a downstairs loo - if you do, then obviously going upstairs isn't necessary and there'll probably be some other reason for it

Easy to dissuade her though ... just get some literature about emigration (Australia would be ideal) and leave it on the bed

@Flossflower would you really never ever let your mother in your house if she went into your bedroom a second time? Not even if she ran in for a tissue or a charger needed suddenly? God she must have been a terrible mother! 😯

Maybe just hide the sex toys and chill out a bit? Stopping your own mother from visiting because she dares enter your bedroom for a second time is - odd. Unless she's rifling through your drawers, surely you'd just tell her nicely that you rather she didn't go in there?

I think it depends on your relationship with them. My parents go upstairs in my house and into bedrooms but then I’m quite close to them.

@DisquietintheRanks I was 😮 at that too. I can only imagine saying that if someone had stolen from me!! Not entered the threshold of my bedroom

God, I think we have the same MIL! Having said that, my mum is nosey too, she wouldn’t open doors and walk into bedrooms, but she’d have a good snoop on the way past if the door was open!

No, I agree OP, I was brought up the same. I’d always ask to go upstairs in someone’s house if I had to use the toilet and I wouldn’t dream of going into people’s bedrooms whilst I was up there. I can understand her going into DC’s bedroom if DC invited her but I wouldn’t ever expect her in mine or the others unless she’d asked.

In answer to the OP, I've never heard of a ban on people being allowed upstairs, only dogs. If your dh is happy for you to treat his mum like a dog then crack on.

If the bathroom is upstairs:

I'd just tell the host that I needed to use the bathroom etc (the normal spiel. Whether the bathroom is upstairs, downstairs or outside!)

I would never just go into somebody else's bedroom unless immediate family (e.g. at my mum's).

Two possible issues:

1. She's would walk into anybody's bedroom...

1. She doesn't understand that this is also your bedroom. And that you may have very different feelings about her presence than your DH/her own son.... especially if she isn't used to a strict upstairs/downstairs separation.