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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should MIL be allowed upstairs in our home?

287 replies

DisneyBaby · 01/06/2023 16:23

I grew up in a house where it was rude to go upstairs in someone else's house and even if the toilet was upstairs and I needed to go, I would say 'is it ok to use your toilet upstairs' etc...

This is the norm for most people isn't it?

My MIL always tries to find an excuse to go upstairs in our house and I'm really uncomfortable with it. Firstly it's messy and secondly I just feel like bedrooms etc are private. Am I alone in thinking this?

She sometimes makes out she's looking for something in my daughters room or says my daughter wanted to go up there etc. But other times she's said things like 'I bet you can see ..... from your bedroom window' and tried to go up to see something from my and DH room.

Would you have a problem with this?
I don't know why she feels it's acceptable...

OP posts:
Killingmytime · 01/06/2023 18:00

I too think it’s rude! I wouldn't want people in my room unless i’d said so.
as for ‘clean your room!’ It’s op‘s house! If she wants too too be a bit messy then it’s her right and should feel like she’s being snooped on in her own home

Sandylanes69 · 01/06/2023 18:01

I hope when your kids grow up their partners treat you better than this!!

Theygolowwegohigh · 01/06/2023 18:01

My MIL has been in my bedroom before. After my c-section she came and changed all the bedding on our king size bed for us god love her. She's been dragged into ds2's room to see his toys etc.

My mum has been in my room chatting to me sat on my bed when I've been ill, or has played with the kids in their rooms or helped them get changed etc.

If you have a super duper Nosey Parker relative yes that must be annoying but surely they're equally as nosy in all rooms of the house and it's not just an upstairs issue?

Rollofpaper · 01/06/2023 18:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 18:02

Killingmytime · 01/06/2023 18:00

I too think it’s rude! I wouldn't want people in my room unless i’d said so.
as for ‘clean your room!’ It’s op‘s house! If she wants too too be a bit messy then it’s her right and should feel like she’s being snooped on in her own home

It’s the in-laws so for her husband it’s his mum going upstairs, it’s not rude, do you really expect your parents to ask to use the toilet when visiting you and do you do the same in their house and not allowed upstairs?

Blossomtoes · 01/06/2023 18:04

I don’t allow teen DS to take his friends upstairs

Wtf? He’s not allowed to take his mates into his own room? No wonder people grow up so weird.

PeloMom · 01/06/2023 18:07

And that’s why I put a baby gate on top of the stairs that is tricky to open. No one goes upstairs except us when it’s time to go to bed.

Beseen22 · 01/06/2023 18:07

My Gran was telling me that when she was younger her MIL would come round for dinner and just as they settled to the sofa she would say "well I will just have a look upstairs" and go round and inspect all the rooms.

MIL has her own bed and half her wardrobe at our house so she is more than welcome to go wherever she wants as does anyone else who stays. What I do mind is when kids are round to play with my DS and they constantly try and play upstairs. DH WFH and we make a lot of noise downstairs but try not to be noisy upstairs. Even when I explain we have literally no toys upstairs, just books and bed and everything is in the playroom.

Noicant · 01/06/2023 18:07

My MIL was like a moth to a flame with my room. I still don’t really understand why!? I mean it’s a bog standard bedroom. With my bog standard stuff in it.

sheworemellowyellow · 01/06/2023 18:10

After I caught my MIL and SIL going through my bathroom cabinet and wardrobe and reading my personal mail, no she's not allowed in my bedroom or bathroom any more. She's done worse than that over the years, and as a consequence I have strict physical and other boundaries in place. It's been some years now, and we have a good entente within those boundaries now. It was a cultural thing. She wanted to treat me like her daughter, the good and the bad. I didn't want or need another mother. We're fine now.

CheshireCat1 · 01/06/2023 18:12

All our family can go anywhere in each others houses.

GalileoHumpkins · 01/06/2023 18:13

PeloMom · 01/06/2023 18:07

And that’s why I put a baby gate on top of the stairs that is tricky to open. No one goes upstairs except us when it’s time to go to bed.

How does that work? I go upstairs several times during the day, putting laundry away, getting a book, making sure the cats ok, looking for something in the office. I can't imagine never having to go up there.

loislovesstewie · 01/06/2023 18:14

Are some of you the same people who don't like tradesmen using your loo?

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 18:15

I really want to know what folks have going on in their bedrooms that the automatic assumption is it’s “having a nose”.

our bedroom has a bed, wardrobes, chest of drawers, mirrors, pic on wall and a laundry basket. What is there to nose about. Nearly everyone’s bedroom has the same, it’s not like she’s rifling through the drawers and wardrobes. Past that I’m fairly sure the ops bedroom looks the same as the first time she saw it, so hardly worthy of an undercover dash to have repeated looks

I also can’t get past those who say their parents need to ask to use the toilet in their home. What if they need to go twice, do they need to ask twice. And what are you going to say ,,no dad sorry can you shit yourself on the sofa?

Garrard · 01/06/2023 18:16

I couldn't lose any sleep over this. My entire house is desperately untidy, so upstairs is no different from anywhere else. I grew up in a house with a huge galleried landing where you could run up one staircase and across the house and down another. We would have missed a lot of fun if we hadn't been allowed to go upstairs. My own DC and their friends used to sledge down the stairs at our house on a mattress when they were little. That would have been tricky with a 'downstairs only' rule.

The only thing I object to is the youngest DC (who is old enough to know better) helping herself to stuff from my bedroom.

FoodCentre · 01/06/2023 18:16

DeliciouslyDecadent · 01/06/2023 17:54

What on earth is going on in all these bedrooms that is so private?

Make the bed, hang clothes up, put your dirty pants in the laundry basket, open the window and no issue.

There doesn't even have to be a reason. My room can be spotless and you don't need to be there, it's just rude unless you know the other person is ok with you entering.

I wouldn't want people rifling through anywhere and being nosey.

My own MIL has caught an eyeful in my bedroom. Just no need. Get out.

Garrard · 01/06/2023 18:17

loislovesstewie · 01/06/2023 18:14

Are some of you the same people who don't like tradesmen using your loo?

I am happy for tradesmen to use the loo whenever they like, so there may be a correlation.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/06/2023 18:17

Not normal for me. I certainly don't expect family members to ask if they can use the toilet, of course they can! No need to ask.

I couldn't imagine banning family members from going upstairs either. Bonkers.

electriclight · 01/06/2023 18:17

My mum goes upstairs in my house - to one of the kids' rooms, to the bathroom. It doesn't bother me at all and I go upstairs at her house too if I need to. Perhaps your dp feels the same as me about it.

HeartStarRose · 01/06/2023 18:17

Some people do just like to be nosy with people's bedrooms though. They like to have a nose at things like perfumes on dressing tables, romantic cards on the side, a new outfit hung up, that sort of thing. Just having a nose. I hate it. I know people who do this and it really bugs me.

I personally would consider it rude to go to the bathroom in someone's house in general, if there is a downstairs loo. If the downstairs loo wasn't free I'd wait until it was. If I was desperate I might go to the bathroom upstairs but I wouldn't feel comfortable about it at all and ideally I'd mention it to the host first, in case they weren't expecting the upstairs bathroom to be visited - they might have personal items left out they'd rather not be seen.

Exceptions would be someone I'm really close to, like my best friend or my sister. We are close so I know they wouldn't mind, and I wouldn't mind. That's it though.

Even my own parents' house, I'd use the downstairs loo and wouldn't go upstairs without proper reason or invitation, ever. (even though I grew up there!) It's their personal space. It's just courtesy.

londonrach · 01/06/2023 18:22

Dil does this ..he possible demantia....he explores the rooms upstairs whilst on the toilet...we no downstairs bedroom...I bit my tongue as know it linked to his possible disease (lots of evidence and dh and bil working on him seeing GP as now mil mentioning it) he never went into bedrooms until last couple of years...is mil possible demantia or just me reading into it due to fil. It's rude normally...you go to toilet that's it....unless medical condition or grand child asked them into their room ...

londonrach · 01/06/2023 18:23

Fil not fil... Telling child to eat food...

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 01/06/2023 18:24

I only ask the first time using someone's bathroom so they can tell me/show me where it is. I don't see the need to announce I need a wee every single time I do it. Especially if alcohol is involved which means I get my steps in just from peeing.Grin

I've also been in kids' bedrooms because they wanted to me there. Either to show me something, or help them get something or whatever. I imagine I'd be even closer and more comfortable with a grandchild.

If you don't want her in YOUR bedroom though, that's fair enough. You get your DH to tell her that and reinforce that boundary by keeping the door shut when she visits.

YABU to have a blanket no upstairs rule and request permission every time someone needs a wee.

YANBU to not want people in your bedroom (for whatever reason) and to state/enforce that boundary.

mynameisnotthis2 · 01/06/2023 18:26

I wouldn't go into a bedroom in someone else's home. I don't go into my in laws bedroom in thier home and they don't come into mine. I live in a flat and their only bathroom is upstairs so it's nothing to do with a rule about stairs, I just feel adult bedrooms are private spaces.

I wouldn't care so much about my in laws going into my son's room though, especially if he was also in there with them.

HeartStarRose · 01/06/2023 18:26

Noicant · 01/06/2023 18:07

My MIL was like a moth to a flame with my room. I still don’t really understand why!? I mean it’s a bog standard bedroom. With my bog standard stuff in it.

I think some people see bedrooms as a proper "window" into the person, like gaining "insider" knowledge, for want of a better phrase. (I can't think of one but I know what I mean!) There's usually more highly personal items in a bedroom than anywhere else in a house. Not just the usual underwear/embarassing bits, but personal trinkets, beauty products, photos, clothes, how they dress the bed. It shows a lot about a person, and to a nosy person, this is bingo territory.