Do holidays and days out really not matter?

[bottomlypotts22]

Every time the school holidays roll around I get this feeling of inadequacy about not doing enough with my kids. And every time I give my head a wobble and remember that love, time and attention are far more important.

Having said that, I want my dc to experience things outside of our hometown. Yes we go to the park, library, swimming, cafes but it's all things they've done before. I always felt like I wanted to give my kids more holidays and days out (not for the Instagram brags) but so they have a well rounded view of the world and plenty of experiences under their belt. Not just the same old things in the same old environment.

As it turns out, work commitments, money issues and the fact I don't drive always seem to get in the way. We have no holiday booked yet for this year and half term has once again been busy but just with the same old shit - swimming, park, walks, lunch out, garden centre they've been to a million times, you get the drift.

So what's your take? Is it important to give your kids new experiences or am I putting too much importance on it?

On the other hand I know people who drive who are absolutely incapacitated if the car comes off the road. "Omg PUBLIC transport, how would one possibly ever source access to such a niche avenue of travel!" "Oh gosh I couldn't handle having to swap vehicles, and navigate the riff raff that exists outside ones car!!"
And then they end up with teens who are used to having a chauffeur, who don't understand how to get a bus and a train, work out timetables etc.

Fairly certain by high school DS will be perfectly capable of getting a few buses across town and a few years after that he'll be escaping off to Wales whenever I turn my back. Meanwhile he has peers who think bus rides are exciting and have never been on a plane.

Different not superior life skills.

And then they end up with teens who are used to having a chauffeur, who don't understand how to get a bus and a train, work out timetables etc.#

Our teens are often one showing the other teens this stuff and it did seem go down well when DD1 went to her offers day by herself.

I can't see them affording to run a car for many years yet and we don't have family cars they can borrow so I think they have the skills they currently need.

I think what you are doing sounds fine, OP. The time spent together is invaluable. I would argue that a holiday packed with road trips sets an expectation of a lifestyle that is unsustainable for us as a species. Not driving is actually a great way of showing children a greener lifestyle.

I could've written your post myself op. I also feel lm not doing enough with my dc and for the exact same reasons as you. I actual dread school holidays and feel myself becoming anxious as they approach. I feel there's so much pressure and expectation these days to be having constant days out with the kids all social media driven I think.
I don't both with social media for this reason as it can make you feel shit when you are not doing all these things. My mum never felt this pressure 30 odd years ago when I was a child and we very rarely had a day out or holiday. school holidays for me were just playing out with friends which I loved and have fantastic memories of, the best days of my life to be honest.

OP please be kind to yourself. Taking children out can be overwhelming even without post-Covid wobbles.

As everyone has said, no children need expensive days out: theme parks etc. Lots of fun and new experiences can be had locally and for very cheap/ free, I suggest setting aside time for a good google - particularly of events at local museums, galleries etc which increasingly do loads in the school holidays. Consider also things to add new experiences at home. I got a caterpillar/ butterfly kit during lockdown which literally held their attention for weeks and weeks and we were able to build crafts/ reading/ projects around it as they were curious
https://www.insectlore.co.uk/butterfly-garden-with-3-5-live-caterpillars.html

We all parent differently and that’s OK. I am very restless and need to take mine OUT every day to do new things. It’s lovely but also they (and I) get tired and overwhelmed and I almost never move slowly with them and pay attention to them properly in the way that it sounds like you do. You are doing an amazing job

I do think it's good to break the routine and see new places, try new things. It doesn't have to be expensive - DS's favourite this year was an overnight stay at Sheringham Youth Hostel (£29 for a two bed room) to see the seals at Blakeney.

I will say he is often very unappreciative of my efforts to fill his life with wonder, so don't beat yourself up too much if you can't summon the energy to be creative.

When you were 17?

I agree, but it does depend on where you live and how available public transport is. Where I grew up you simply couldn’t rely on buses or you’d have gone nowhere! That’s not to say we didn’t use them when we could of course and I would always choose the train over driving.

But sometimes in life there will be times when you just need to be able to drive a car (living rurally, holidays, transporting an elderly relative, moving large items etc).

Also, if you don’t learn to drive when you’re young then it’s harder to gain that skill when you’re older.

Huh?

I’m obviously not talking about anybody who has a physical impairment that means they can’t drive. Swimming is also a life skill, as is cooking etc, but there will always be people who are unable to do these things because of disability.

I think you’ve gone slightly off topic.

@Mumsday at 17 I was at college and earned about 20 quid a week at a saturday job. At 18 I had a job, still lived at home but paid rent to my parents and contributed to family bills. Could afford driving lessons and did do some lessons but in no way would have been able to afford a car (and insurance, petrol, mot etc) so it got pushed to not being high priority. By 21 I was living away from home (so rent, bills, food etc)
I wish almost everyday I could drive and owned a car.
But it never happened. Because I have never been able to afford it.
The only people I know who learned to drive at 17 were those whose parents paid for the lessons and got them a car.

Holidays and days out are very important for us. I love seeing new places and trying different activities. I have a mental bucket list of places to visit, and I'm always looking up new experiences and things that have opened. I like the challenge of organising trips and holidays. A lot of it is for me, but my DCs like the adventure of it too, and it's lovely when we've made the effort to travel somewhere new and they have a brilliant time. I hope they'll grow up with an enthusiasm for trying new experiences.

We don't drive and it makes things more difficult for certain days out, but we've done lots of places by train, bus and/or taxi. City breaks and seaside trips are easiest. Some trips are expensive like theme parks (which they do enjoy as they like the rides), some just cost the train fare (with railcard) and packed lunch. Trips to another city can be cheap as the museums etc are sometimes free.

I think holidays and days out are nice things to have but not super urgent can’t live without. We love a day out but we don’t do them constantly. Some families I know seem to have every other day filled with special activities. In the summer holidays we’ll go swimming, to the park, and to the beach (5 minutes walk from our house) a lot. But things like theme parks/castles/water parks attractions and proper days out - maybe once or twice in the summer. We’re not made of money and anyway I think there’s a lot of fun to be had at home.

Although while I say friends of ours do constant special activities, three of my four do two activities each which ends up being multiple classes per week, plus costs of uniforms, competitions, recitals and so on. If I didn’t allow them to do that then we could afford a day out every week in the holidays. So it’s sometimes about what you prioritise.

I will say too that I think (depending on how many kids you have and their ages and so on) days out can actually be quite stressful. They’re fun but I think there can be a pressure to be ‘perfect.’ Always makes me think of the TV programme The Middle, where the mother always ends up screaming at all the kids because they don’t appreciate/enjoy the special camping trip or day out she’s planned and facilitated. You only need to come in here in the holidays to see several posts of ungrateful teens/kids on holiday or at Warwick Castle or whatever. Sometimes I think what we think is fun and great kids maybe don’t want. Also there is a pressure that because we’ve spent so much money and so on that the kids should behave perfectly and enjoy every minute. But often it just ends up in everyone being tired and stressed out, especially if it’s too many days out.

I was in a similar situation but chose to prioritise it as I lived rurally. My parents did not pay for my lessons - I did, from my Saturday job. I couldn’t afford a car at first but I just wanted to have passed my test so I had the skill.

@Mumsday if I could go back in time I might prioritise things differently.
But....well. Can't do that. Oh well.
I just hate threads like this where someone says "why don't you drive" or "you need to learn to drive" when it actually has nothing to do with the thread and it isn't anyones business why a person doesn't drive.

@Needmorelego absolutely right.

OP it sounds like you have a plan 💪Enjoy!

@bottomlypotts22 I saw this on twitter, posted by Cbeebies, and thought of you

Sounds like you’re doing your best with what you’ve got. We’ve only been recently able to take our dc for days out and the occasional short break and it is lovely seeing them enjoy new experiences. However when I look at friends/relatives children who have had all the expensive experiences under the sun and those who have what you give your children then the former kids don’t seem any happier or nicer so I really wouldn’t worry. Also remember that kids tend to enjoy anything new or different, you don’t have to go for the expensive options, we’ve had days out we’ve spent a fortune on entrance fees, meals out etc but the kids really have had just as good a time is getting the train (using family railcard) to a different town and taking a picnic to a park we’ve never been to before. We’ve done city breaks too and just done the free museums as kids have had a fab time despite us saying we can’t do the London eye etc this time. We absolutely loved camping etc too. During the lockdowns everything we did was free and local, actually turned out to be an amazing time and kids never seemed happier. So really I’d say don’t worry about it but keep making the most of all the opportunities you can afford

I grew up in quite a poor household and didn't get many of the experiences my better off friends and peers got. We did have a week at the seaside every year (Dad was a miner and they offered subsidised holidays at their own holiday camp), however and my brothers and I still talk about how much we loved it.

What I loved most, however, was spending time with one or both of my parents. Going for a picnic as a family,.when my Dad took me fishing with him (I just sat on the bank reading a book!), going into the city on the bus with Mum (and joy of joys, going to a cafe for a snack), etc.

Parents mustn't worry if they can't afford the big stuff that others can - it's time with you that your children value and need most and it doesn't matter where or what that is.

We didn't have much money when the kids were younger but we did things like geocaching, camping with friends, meeting with friends at the park, got an annual membership to a local farm which had a great playground. We didn't have any holidays abroad or big days at theme parks. None of that matters but getting out and meeting friends for picnics or playing at the park was definitely important. It's certainly harder in the winter to keep them entertained but summer doesn't have to be expensive at all.

Thank you @SleepingStandingUp that's so lovely.

With the exception of a couple of unhelpful comments this has been such a wonderful thread. Support, reassurance and lots of good ideas. Really grateful.

Dh and I had a chat last night and we are hoping to get one city visit and one holiday park visit in over summer. We won't be going abroad this year but that's ok.

I agree with you that "love, time and attention are far more important."

I do a lot of holidays and plan a fair few things throughout the year. I am not a big fan of the incessant expensive days out. Especially that people do at Christmas. Each to their own. I did it one year post covid but it got silly.

If we don't get out, at least to the park my kids have always fought.

There's lots you can do on public transport. It's also good to get theatre brochures ahead of time and book. I live in a city so it's easy.

You could still book a Christmas panto trip or day out now.

The trick is to sort it ahead of time. I've got friends booking a year ahead for big events like Christmas. Christmas things like light shows book up in June.

I booked a lot of theatre trips earlier this year.

The odd city day out would be good. I'm northern and as a child we did the odd weekend to the lakes, days out in York. A weekend in Edinburgh. Chester zoo once. . It made an impression on me. It was quite rare.

ds and me did pokemon go (phone game app) around out local park the other day and had a great time and took pics of ds with the virtual pokemon in the process. was a lovely fun afternoon and didn't cost a penny. try things like that op most kids enjoy things like that these days.

That sounds fab and hopefully something the kids will really appreciate and don’t feel at all bad that you’re not going abroad or doing more. We just do occasional days out/breaks (but try to do parks, picnics, swimming etc every weekend/school break, else dc would be climbing the walls) and it lovely seeing their amazement and appreciation as it’s not something they do all the time and is something they remember. We always try to have something for them to look forward to, even if it’s in 6 months time and if it’s something they are desperate to do we’ll look to plan it in the longer term so it’s not an e.g. no we’re never going abroad. Whereas I’ve noticed with the kids that do this all the time just become a bit blase, understandably as e.g. your first hotel buffet breakfast is like sumptuous feast like never before, an annual one is eagerly anticipated but not your 10th of that year so parents really shouldn’t be busting a gut or stressing as there can be too much of a good thing. Those kids end up being so hard to please too and make the most awful guests as they’ve been there, done that, in effect they end up needing more and more amazing and expensive things to impress them.

I may have missed how young your youngest is but are they too old to find excitement in a family camping trip in the back garden inc. cooking breakfast outside, or building and sleeping in a den in the kitchen/living room - you can even create new experiences at home.