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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

370 replies

queasyjet · 31/05/2023 17:11

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

OP posts:
drstranger · 31/05/2023 17:16

Sounds like anxiety ! Have you actually asked her if she's feeling okay? Post partum anxiety is awful and I know from my own experience

Sometimeswinning · 31/05/2023 17:17

To be fair it's not like he's all grown up now. Is she more accepting to having family play with him? Her and your brother sound a little obsessive but it was probably the same for many during Covid.

jammydodgies · 31/05/2023 17:19

They sound way over the top!! How cruel to not allow family to hold the baby when presumably your brother has been going to work and going out the house etc then holding him himself.. I don't think you were wrong to tell her the truth, I would just text her and say you're sorry you upset her but she was over the top at the beginning and it has affected people's bonds with him!

DisquietintheRanks · 31/05/2023 17:19

Perhaps it would have been better to have this conversation with your brother? I probably would have gone for some polite and non committal response.

SavBlancTonight · 31/05/2023 17:20

Well, I don't think it was unreasonable to tell her the truth. But I do think this level of paranoia is concerning and I would be worried about both my brother and SIL and their mental.health.

My Sil is a fraction as bad as this and it is something we all nonetheless worry about and dbro is trying to get her to address. And believe me, compared to your sil mine is laid back!!

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 31/05/2023 17:21

Yanbu

Also think it sounds like anxiety

GrazingSheep · 31/05/2023 17:23

There have been some very strange posts on MN lately …

MichelleScarn · 31/05/2023 17:23

drstranger · 31/05/2023 17:16

Sounds like anxiety ! Have you actually asked her if she's feeling okay? Post partum anxiety is awful and I know from my own experience

This, and I think it's rather shitty that the family rather than showing concern are 'giving up' on them and saying there can never be a bond.

littleripper · 31/05/2023 17:27

We had this with DB and SIL. Her family were allowed to hold him etc etc. They are very close to her family now and we are all so pushed out. But my DC are very close with others cousins and when there is a big get together SIL is furious DN is not in the thick of it. It's a shame but you are right OP and I would focus on where the relationships are, it's too hurtful otherwise.

diddl · 31/05/2023 17:28

Are both your brother & his wife anxious Op?

BubziOwl · 31/05/2023 17:34

She does sound very OTT yes, but I also wonder if it's not PPA.

I also think it's a shame to give up on having a bond at 5 months - he's got a whole life ahead of him! I do understand why you currently don't feel close/bonded with him, but I just wouldn't write it off just yet.

Littleroseseverywhere · 31/05/2023 17:39

Surprised at these answers, she’s clearly an anxious new mum. Where’s people’s empathy. And to give up on a 5 month old child is awful

and the way you talk about her, it’s so derogatory. I assume you dislike her.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 31/05/2023 17:43

This is wind up right?
You can’t be serious op, crying for not holding a baby, no one does that!
Who wants to hold other people’s babies for hours and feed them?
This is beyond strange!
Why would your husband want to hold these babies.
Something is seriously off here (and it’s not SIL/BIL)

caringcarer · 31/05/2023 17:46

littleripper · 31/05/2023 17:27

We had this with DB and SIL. Her family were allowed to hold him etc etc. They are very close to her family now and we are all so pushed out. But my DC are very close with others cousins and when there is a big get together SIL is furious DN is not in the thick of it. It's a shame but you are right OP and I would focus on where the relationships are, it's too hurtful otherwise.

This. Focus on your friend and their baby if you want a cuddle. Perhaps sil will relax as dnephew gets older.

Namechangeed · 31/05/2023 17:47

That is strange. Could be PND.

I feel sorry for the LO missing out on all the human interaction they definitely need and deserve!

Poor thing.

LBFseBrom · 31/05/2023 17:48

They are definitely OTT and you are not unreasonable to have a problem with it. Perhaps SIL will take on board what you have said and bend a little. We are long out of lockdown so that cannot be an excuse. I do wonder why she, and your brother, are like it, there must be some deep seated reason but you were still correct to be honest.

However I must take you up on one point: never, ever tickle a baby's feet - or anyone else's - it's torture and a baby cannot get away from it.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/05/2023 17:49

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 31/05/2023 17:43

This is wind up right?
You can’t be serious op, crying for not holding a baby, no one does that!
Who wants to hold other people’s babies for hours and feed them?
This is beyond strange!
Why would your husband want to hold these babies.
Something is seriously off here (and it’s not SIL/BIL)

People do want to hold babies and interact with them. I love nothing more than baby cuddles from someone else's baby now than mine are all grown up. I think it is a very instinctive and human thing. Babies also get so much from being able to interact with other people other than their primary care givers. It is very good for their development and their attachment which is a huge factor in being able to form good relationships throughout life.

Beseen22 · 31/05/2023 17:50

To be fair my first was in my arms for a long time but mostly because he screamed to the high heavens if he wasn't. I fed him, put him to sleep, did all the baby care tasks but it absolutely didn't affect bonding to his wider family, as soon as he got over the need to be touching me at all times (probably nearer a year) he was happy to go to whoever and is best pals with all his cousins and facetimes his grandma every few nights to ask about her day. Your SIl sounds anxious and the deciding which family member is worthy to hold the PFB is a bit weird but not every baby sits happy to be held and all they really need at that age is their mum.

Dooopylally · 31/05/2023 17:52

Littleroseseverywhere · 31/05/2023 17:39

Surprised at these answers, she’s clearly an anxious new mum. Where’s people’s empathy. And to give up on a 5 month old child is awful

and the way you talk about her, it’s so derogatory. I assume you dislike her.

But she is being batshit, and it is better to tell her this than play along. The grandfather might not be there when she decides the baby is old enough for him to hold.

Outdamnspot23 · 31/05/2023 17:52

I think her behaviour (and your brother's) is obviously way out of the normal, they sound pathologically worried about their baby.

Having said that OP I think you were a bit harsh to say that no-one has bonded with him. Surely it's more fair to say that you've all given up asking as you know the answer is no and you feel you're not wanted around the baby, rather than (to paraphrase what you said) that no one is that bothered about him now. So I think there is probably scope to apologise, or at least half-apologise. The way you put it, it sound irreversible. You could instead tell her a way that could help build those bonds - i.e. being more relaxed about the baby having contact with capable adult family members. If she's not that bright (and it might not be kind to say so, but some people aren't!) then spelling this out in a positive - here's what's happened but here's how you could get this on track - way, might be helpful.

toomuchlaundry · 31/05/2023 17:53

Why do you see them twice a week?

AreMyDucksinarow · 31/05/2023 17:54

My sil was not quite as bad as yours but similar.

My children have very little to no interest in their cousins 🤷‍♀️ and have better relationships with my friends children

It’s all down to brother & sil behaviour

They were quite pissed off with me when they overheard me saying the child was not the new messiah and a normal baby which many people in our family have managed to have without all this bloody faff and drama they have caused 😂😂

But I will openly say I’m a bitch and I wasn’t bothered if I offended them.

MaggyNoodles · 31/05/2023 17:55

Cba reading the thread but based on your OP you all sound enmeshed and weirdly possessive. Leave three woman alone.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 31/05/2023 17:56

Beseen22 · 31/05/2023 17:50

To be fair my first was in my arms for a long time but mostly because he screamed to the high heavens if he wasn't. I fed him, put him to sleep, did all the baby care tasks but it absolutely didn't affect bonding to his wider family, as soon as he got over the need to be touching me at all times (probably nearer a year) he was happy to go to whoever and is best pals with all his cousins and facetimes his grandma every few nights to ask about her day. Your SIl sounds anxious and the deciding which family member is worthy to hold the PFB is a bit weird but not every baby sits happy to be held and all they really need at that age is their mum.

Exactly this. To "give up" on a five month old baby seems like punishment - and extremely transactional.

OP you also describe your SIL in very derogatory terms - is this how your family view her? In which case no wonder her anxiety is high especially around all of you. It's a shame, because this is the time really to be supportive of a new mum who is likely to be struggling with PND and anxiety. That she is asking you why everyone has reduced interaction with her DC is a real shame, and shows that she is concerned for her DC in a way that you and the rest of the family do not appear to be.

letmedoittoo · 31/05/2023 17:56

She asked you and you explained the position.

It's better that she knows rather than gets even more anxious by thinking nobody likes the baby!