To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

I'd also worry about her anxiety.

I find it odd you've written off this baby because you don't get to hold him. You don't need to hold a baby to love him. and you don't need to "bond" with a baby to love him. I live in a different country to both our families. Both families loved my children when they arrived, even though they hadn't seen them still less held them or stroked their hair. You basically told your SIL that people aren't interested in her baby because she won't let them hold him. Fairly transactional interest and love there.

Where is she getting this? I can't see anything like this on Instagram or from a google search.

I'd be a bit worried about what kind of online communities she's in.

You all sound just as batshit as each other, you’re just on the opposite end of the scale.

It’s a shame, but some mums, especially with pfb, worry incessantly about things, by the time you have your second, you are usually much more relaxed. I was always happy for people to hold my baby, tbh. But not everyone is like that. I can understand why everyone is upset. As a new mum, you worry if you are doing everything right, so she has probably taken your comments as criticism.

Agree with this. It's their baby, they can do what they like, you and extended family are not entitled to a "go"
My ex in laws tried to do this with my first dd, playing pass the bloody parcel. Fortunately she was a high needs baby so they weren't long giving her back.
He's their baby, not a new toy.

Nope I’m basing my view on normal on what is normal. If you google how long between feeds 4 month old, it doesn’t say 30 minutes. It states 4 hours is normal. Rolling again, normal is between 8-12 weeks.

Tummy time is also medically necessary in terms of development

every baby I’ve ever known has been doing tummy time since day one! As they should, as is recommended and as is taught during NCT etc.

When did I say I didn’t love him?

I agree with this. Let them do their own thing.

@queasyjet - I said around 5 months is when they are on the floor being interactive ie a grandparent can play ball with them or sit them up with toys etc. a 2 month old doesn’t ‘need’ to be pulled around by loads of family members, they can just lay down and watch people happily.
They are on the floor having tummy time, sure. So how would they get that if aunty if trying to pick them up every time.

As they get older, they can benefit from interacting more. The first few weeks and months it’s just your benefit not babies

Possibly, but then OP should focus on helping the grandparents see things from the SL's perspective. But the continually derogatory way that OP is describing her SIL would probably indicate she's never respected or liked her SIL and welcomed this opportunity to tell off her SIL. Genuine concern for a new mum would include considerations of PND and anxiety - which given the OPs updates of the SIL coping in her own would be an even higher risk. But instead the OP has turned that into a snide comment that "things weren't done safely". WTF does that even mean - single women can't parent safely?!?

Also is she breastfeeding? I didn't want anyone around with my first as I was stripped to the waist for the first 12 weeks, not a pretty sight. They came around anyway, looking for cups of tea and a rub of the baby.
Maybe I'm projecting here, but I'm on Sil side 😄

My brother is definitely in the ‘happy ‘wife’ happy life’ mode

They're not married but were close to breaking up before having their son so I think he is terrified of saying anything. That’s the impression I get when picking this up with him, he feels he doesn’t get a say since she is with him more and more ‘attuned’ to his needs/ has mothers instinct etc.

Not BF

I don’t think I have ever met a baby on this magical 4hr schedule. Babies are supposed to be fed on demand now. Breastfed babies feed often

Your poor Grandad. I think you should tell your brother that he was in tears because he can't hold his great grandson. That's so sad.

I was going to come on here and tell OP to give SIL some information about the importance of bonding. Eye contact, cuddles -- that's so crucial to development.

But seeing the responses about anxiety or PND are probably right!

What does that mean? It means based on her specific delivery and needs afterwards I’m not sure how she coped with a baby alone at 2 weeks PP.

She had bad side effects from her spinal so was unable to move her legs for the first 4 weeks, so by ‘not done safely’ I’m pretty sure things slipped when she was alone with him after he went back to work, tbh I’m sure of it based on a few comments from my brother.

My baby was fed on demand, most at 4-5 months don’t demand it more often than that! Formula fed babies of course

This is a big thing on Reddit and instagram, especially among Americans. It is also pretty common to read posts complaining “where is my village??” Funnily enough, people don’t seem able to make the connection between shutting everyone out of the early months with a new baby and having anyone available to babysit when baby is older.

He was there and watched him cry. He is 98 and genuinely heartbroken about not being able to have a hold of his great grandson.

Most breastfed babies absolutely feed more often than every 4-5 hours.

I don't agree on tummy time being essential from early on. Many cultures carry/wear babies and rarely put them down and their children develop fine. I think it is certainly important if otherwise they would be on their back in a cot or pram, but babies that are carried develop strength and balance that way. DS only had minimal floor time as he screamed when put down awake, he crawled at five months and then was quite happy on the floor once he was crawling.

I don’t understand why you suspect that some things weren’t done safely with one pair of hands.

Littleroseseverywhere · Today 17:39
Surprised at these answers, she’s clearly an anxious new mum. Where’s people’s empathy. And to give up on a 5 month old child is awful

and the way you talk about her, it’s so derogatory. I assume you dislike her.

yes, because this is her baby, not yours or your relatives ones. And it is still very small baby. Has anyone cuddled your own kids FOR HOURS, FED THEM, TOOK THEM ON WALKS AND IF YES, where were you, doing what.

Okay, so sounds very much like your poor SIL is suffering from PPA. As someone who is currently going through this I can tell you that is fucking horrible. Mine was actually triggered by a very close family member putting my baby at risk in one of those 'it's not going to happen but I still worry' situations. It happened.

The fact you visit twice a week is actually a good sign. You have been told to butt out so please do that. SIL will be aware your all talking about her and her choices for her own child. Especially when there's talk of how you do things or comparing your baby with hers. Personally, I would not be spending any time round people like this. And what is MIL doing going about talking to her friends about this, that would be humiliating. Also who are you to judge how she coped with baby when dad went back to work. Maybe she enjoyed time with her newborn and not the type to want everyone round 'helping'.

Basically, everyone is different and you need to back off.