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Original poster

To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

370 replies

queasyjet · 31/05/2023 17:11

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

OP posts:
1sttimemum1602 · 31/05/2023 17:58

I had to force myself to let people hold my new born, I think the difference is I was aware of it and made myself get over it. I struggle to leave my LB (7m/o) with anyone even his Dad. He’s been left with grand parents for only a few hours without me. It could be anxiety for your SIL as I know it is for me, if I was her I’d be great full that someone was honest with me.

WimpoleHat · 31/05/2023 17:59

To "give up" on a five month old baby seems like punishment - and extremely transactional.

To be fair, I imagined it could well be a sort of defence mechanism on the part of the grandparents. They’ll have had all sorts of hopes and dreams attached to a new baby and presumably have felt really upset to be kept so far at arm’s length. Detachment could well be their way of coping with the upset and disappointment that their son and DIL have caused.

Caspianberg · 31/05/2023 18:00

Tbh I don’t actually see the problem with them not passing baby around. It’s a baby, not a toy.

At 5 months they are only just getting to the stage of being on the floor and rolling around etc, before now presumably baby has been fed a lot, held by parents and they are soothing to sleep.

My Ds was born at start of covid, in a country with strict contact rules. Legally he couldn’t be in contact with anyone really until he was 12+ months. So he literally had dh and I, and odd doctor touch him in a year.

He’s a fully adjusted 3 year old now who happily goes to anyone. He has a close bond with Dh and i obviously, but also has bond with family who live overseas, friends and neighbours and is super outgoing.

Your 5 month old nephew is just a tiny baby. They will be much more playful once’s they are crawling and toddling around in a few months

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 18:00

I’d be much more concerned about the fact she is easily influenced by incorrect facts online and that she might be suffering from post natal anxiety and/depression.

I think it’s reasonable to have a chat with her, but it sounds like you were unnecessarily blunt.

Simianwalk · 31/05/2023 18:01

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 31/05/2023 17:43

This is wind up right?
You can’t be serious op, crying for not holding a baby, no one does that!
Who wants to hold other people’s babies for hours and feed them?
This is beyond strange!
Why would your husband want to hold these babies.
Something is seriously off here (and it’s not SIL/BIL)

What a very weird response. I can't think of a culture in the world that I've been to that babies aren't passed around and cuddled. It's a very strange society where only the parents touch a child.
And for family it's even more normal. I used to love watching my babies engage with family members and friends. It helps you bond so much when you play with them and interact.

SummerSilliness · 31/05/2023 18:02

My Niece is not allowed to spend more than 30 seconds with anyone other than SIL (still, 4 years in...) and she gets very upset when the grandparents 'don't have the same bond' with her child as the other DGC. She's nuts but she did ask so you were right to tell her - after 4 years real damage is now sadly being done .......

Original poster
queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:02

drstranger · 31/05/2023 17:16

Sounds like anxiety ! Have you actually asked her if she's feeling okay? Post partum anxiety is awful and I know from my own experience

Definitely have asked, was told to butt out. But she has always been a bit of a ‘hun’ so I’m not surprised she has taken in all this weird advice from social media. My parents and I were seriously worried in that first 10 week period as she wasn’t well after birth, my brother went back to work at 2 weeks and I have no idea how she coped alone with him, tbh I’m not sure I want to know how she ‘coped’ with him alone during that time as I suspect some things weren’t done safely to make do with one pair of hands.

I have a daughter myself but older (6) and apparently since I have no experience with boys my knowledge and experience in that touching a babies foot doesn’t give them kidney disease isn’t valid Confused my mum has even tried to get a midwife friend to drop in and she wasn’t having any of it.

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 31/05/2023 18:03

This reply has been deleted

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Nevermind31 · 31/05/2023 18:04

Your family sound very OTT - always being around, crying when not getting to hold the baby, it is all about what you and family look forward to doing with the baby.
you can absolutely bond with a baby/ toddler without holding them, feeding them etc. just seems you only want to bond your way, or no way, and only whilst he is tiny?
i wonder if she just finds your family a bit overbearing?
this is a child, not a toy.

Original poster
queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:04

Caspianberg · 31/05/2023 18:00

Tbh I don’t actually see the problem with them not passing baby around. It’s a baby, not a toy.

At 5 months they are only just getting to the stage of being on the floor and rolling around etc, before now presumably baby has been fed a lot, held by parents and they are soothing to sleep.

My Ds was born at start of covid, in a country with strict contact rules. Legally he couldn’t be in contact with anyone really until he was 12+ months. So he literally had dh and I, and odd doctor touch him in a year.

He’s a fully adjusted 3 year old now who happily goes to anyone. He has a close bond with Dh and i obviously, but also has bond with family who live overseas, friends and neighbours and is super outgoing.

Your 5 month old nephew is just a tiny baby. They will be much more playful once’s they are crawling and toddling around in a few months

Babies should definitely be on the floor well before 5 months! Goodness me

mine was rolling by 8 weeks, and feeding only every 4-5 hours by 4 months.

OP posts:
CheshireCat1 · 31/05/2023 18:05

What makes you suspect that some things weren’t done safely?

Original poster
queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You think an elderly man who isn’t well and is genuinely taking every interaction with his family as his last is ridiculous for getting upset for not being allowed to hold his only great grandson?

what a cold individual you must be

OP posts:
lousong · 31/05/2023 18:06

YANBU it’s a bit unusual but it is her baby at the end of the day, no one’s got the right to the baby however if she’s upset when others aren’t close that’s why

Original poster
queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:06

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 18:00

I’d be much more concerned about the fact she is easily influenced by incorrect facts online and that she might be suffering from post natal anxiety and/depression.

I think it’s reasonable to have a chat with her, but it sounds like you were unnecessarily blunt.

She is definitely easily influenced online, I’ve lost count of the amount of MLM schemes she has ‘borrowed’ money off my parents to join over the years!

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 31/05/2023 18:08

queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:04

Babies should definitely be on the floor well before 5 months! Goodness me

mine was rolling by 8 weeks, and feeding only every 4-5 hours by 4 months.

Show quote history

so hang on, you had one baby, 6 years ago and you’re basing ‚normal‘ on that? Are you the expert baby whisperer. Sadly none of my five were anything like yours.

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 18:08

queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:04

Babies should definitely be on the floor well before 5 months! Goodness me

mine was rolling by 8 weeks, and feeding only every 4-5 hours by 4 months.

Show quote history

I think that a large part of the issue is likely to be that you are very certain that your views and correct and it sounds like your SIL thinks the same about her views. In this instance, as the mother, your SIL gets to decide as it’s her baby and I think that’s what you are struggling with most of all.

Original poster
queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:08

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 31/05/2023 17:43

This is wind up right?
You can’t be serious op, crying for not holding a baby, no one does that!
Who wants to hold other people’s babies for hours and feed them?
This is beyond strange!
Why would your husband want to hold these babies.
Something is seriously off here (and it’s not SIL/BIL)

Weird you think my partner is a man.

Many people like children and babies, I love holding friends children. Babies are great fun.

OP posts:
Caspianberg · 31/05/2023 18:09

@queasyjet - well yes mine was on the floor at days old, but if they had been out in the floor it was for them to stretch out, not be picked up immediately.
My Ds was breastfed every 1-2 hours still at 5months.

Addymontgomeryfan · 31/05/2023 18:10

Your SIL is either batshit crazy or she's ill and she needs help. Nothing about what she is doing sounds normal. Only you and the others around her will be able to tell if it's she's ill or just weird though.

Upwiththelark76 · 31/05/2023 18:12

OP- she sounds nuts . I would have retracted too. Feel sorry for your family .
you’ve told her now so that might help.

Original poster
queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:12

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 18:08

I think that a large part of the issue is likely to be that you are very certain that your views and correct and it sounds like your SIL thinks the same about her views. In this instance, as the mother, your SIL gets to decide as it’s her baby and I think that’s what you are struggling with most of all.

Show quote history

I’ve never shared any views with my SIL until this interaction, knew it’s not worth the bother. My views as quoted on this post are backed up with science and medical guidance (for example it’s worrying if your 5 month old has only started being on the floor, tummy time is crucial in the early days) so tbh mine are correct.

Not sure how anyone could argue that it’s correct to think that tickling a babies root causes internal bleeding and kidney damage

OP posts:
Jojobees · 31/05/2023 18:13

your sil can’t have it both ways, she can’t have people kept at arms length and not allowed to hold or touch the baby, and want them to be want to be involved at arms length.
I don’t think anyone is in the wrong for feeling the way they do, but she has to understand that she can’t have it both ways

Original poster
queasyjet · 31/05/2023 18:13

Caspianberg · 31/05/2023 18:09

@queasyjet - well yes mine was on the floor at days old, but if they had been out in the floor it was for them to stretch out, not be picked up immediately.
My Ds was breastfed every 1-2 hours still at 5months.

So then why state by 5 months they’ve only just started being on the floor?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 31/05/2023 18:14

You were right to tell her the truth, otherwise the views she's picking up online will be the only opinions that she is getting. Have you spoken to your brother about all this?

DunkingMyDonuts · 31/05/2023 18:14

YANBU, she sounds like she needed some hard truths.

I would "butt in" again now and talk to my brother if I was you. Their behaviour is ridiculous.