To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

Yes, DS was still two hourly at six months.

They are being ott for whatever reasons but try not to let it affect how you feel about your nephew. It’s not his fault after all. I think you’d be better off talking to your brother about it and see if things improve.

I agree you should have spoken to your brother and also made sure she is ok and not suffering from PND. You come across to me as quite self centred from what you’ve said tbh.. I’m not saying her logic is rational by any stretch but your whole focus is about you wanting XYZ with your nephew and about being upset on behalf of other people rather than the well-being of your SIL. She clearly feels really overwhelmed. You don’t mention your brother at all which I find quite strange and you clearly don’t think my of your SIL. Your nephew is her child not something for you to all have a go with. I’d apologise for the greater good and then speak to your brother.

We had the same. DH's DGS was born in lockdown and for the first six months of his life we were not allowed within six feet of him. After that, his DPs relaxed a bit and we were allowed closer, but he was over 12 months old before we were able to touch him. I assumed it was PPA, but we don't know.

In the first year of his life he saw his DPs, all his DGPs two or three times at a distance and his DGGM once through a window. He's three now and we see the damage done. He only really interacts with his DM and isn't really interested in anyone else. We have basically lost his babyhood. Awful.

I get you OP.

Also the no visits after birth is absolutely her right and you sound v entitled on that.. what makes you think you have a claim here? Also you are saying you’ve given up on bonding after only a few months! You realise baby will be around a long long time and there’s no rush. Too much intensity and pressure imo.

That is very sad 😔. Fair enough if she doesn't want baby handed around at every visit but she must have severe anxiety to not let a 98 year old great grandfather hold the baby once. Baby could be supported on a pillow on his lap if need be.

That's just awful, I'm so sorry your Grandad is being treated like that.

Someone is over protective of a first baby (having been pregnant during a pandemic because yy Covid still exists) and you have a temper tantrum over it - but direct it all at your SIL (who may or may not have PND) not your DB (who definitely doesn't).
And then you add some emotional manipulation bullshit about how you have a closer bond with a friend's baby.
I can't get over how UR you have been. But you got to slag off insta and 'huns' - whilst running to social media to boast about how mean you were - so I guess that makes it worthwhile for you.

No idea why there's a majority saying yanbu. You're being a bloody awful judgemental sil. I wouldn't want you near my kids either and would love to hear the parent's side of this.

Leave them alone to enjoy their baby how they wish.

Because she wasn’t able to move from her bed. I know for a fact my nephew was left in a cushion seat thing for 5 hours on one occasion as she couldn’t get to him. He was only 3 weeks old at that point so shouldn’t have even been in a cushion thing.

That in addition to other comments made to my parents about her falling asleep with him regularly in bed (as she couldn’t move to place him in the Moses basket) paints a clear picture.

My parents offered to just come over when she needed him moved from bed to Moses basket etc. and then leave as it’s a safety issue, it was a straight no. They only told me this recently as were worried I’d contact social services (as I work in a related field) at the time.

It's hilarious that even your parents know you'd interfere to cause trouble but not to help.

WTF wouldn't a bloke want to hold his niece or nephew?

Why were you stripped to the waist? I've bf three and never been stripped!

I have, google clusterfeeding!

UCM Gina is that you. 😂

Your SIL is obviously struggling but I do think your attitude is weird too. My family had virtually no contact with DD due to Covid rules but that didn’t stop them bonding! You don’t need to hold a baby for hours, I wouldn’t want them to.
You are both as mad as each other tbh.

If she didn't want the truth she shouldn't have asked for your opinion. Babies aren't that interesting to be fair and I'd rather not have to interracial with them at all but with that sort of behaviour I'd definitely be pulling back and not bothering.

Op will probably "just tell it like it is" too.
This whole manipulative weirdness re the ggf and his 'right' to hold the baby is a bit wrong.

"she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp" tickled me 😆. Well of course no one is arsed if no one is allowed near him! You wait until another family member has a baby, the green eyed monster will be out! It's maybe what she needs, someone else in the family to have a baby and demonstrate normal behaviour.

The only thing I will agree on is no lip kisses on babies and keep your distance if you are ill or have a Coldsore, if you are well though it's fine. She's probably read stuff online and ran with it especially post covid too.

There’s a lot of OTT opinions on social media at the minute and I really do think they’re having a massive influence on FTM’s.

Ive recently had my first baby 5 months ago and my feeds were bombarded with people not allowing visitors, no holding baby, no in laws near the baby.

I loved seeing family with my baby and seeing how loved he is, I understand sometimes PND/PNA takes over which is a separate issue but I really do blame social media.

This, and I think it's rather shitty that the family rather than showing concern are 'giving up' on them and saying there can never be a bond.

I agree. You all sound rather precious and manipulative tbh.

My family (both my own mum and in laws) couldn't see my baby for several months due to living abroad and Covid stuff, but they still cared about my baby and loved her regardless. I think you resent her for being OTT, and let's face it a bit mad, so you're now punishing her by effectively making her feel like nobody cares about her son and blaming her for it.

Clearly her actions are abnormal, but she's almost definitely going through post natal anxiety. I understand that her mental state is having ramifications for you but you're only going to make it worse by making cruel comments like that.

Unless I'm misunderstanding and you were actually diplomatic and kind in the way you communicated to her. But from your OP it sounds like you were perhaps blunt and not so caring in your approach.

@Simianwalk I was completely unprepared for the intensity of it tbh. But mostly the problem was that I didn't have a proper breastfeeding bra, so I just stopped wearing a bra altogether. Then I was constantly boiling hot, so I stopped wearing pj tops too 😄
I got better at it after that