To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

You do you, but why the need to strip to the waist to breastfeed? I was out and about with my breastfed baby.

As for the OP, I'm a great believer in passing babies around

when did I say FF babies aren’t fed on demand?

formula fed babies however on the most part will demand feeds less often than BF babies. so the average time between feeds at 4-5 months is often at the 4 hour mark, more so overnight.

How do you not know this

Agreed

Maybe you could buy some clothes for her too, so she fits in with your family's style more. And meals that you would eat, so she develops a taste for your family's favourite foods. What hair should she have OP, are you blonde or brunette?

It’s recommend yes, it’s not ‘medically necessary’. Lots of cultures around the world don’t do specific tummy time.

You need to listen to what people are saying on here and calm down and stop being nasty about your sister in law, calling her horrible names and such.

It's over the top behavior and especially sad for the grandparents.

I blame the internet tho. New mums are completely inundated with information and i believe it de skills them. Makes them in anxious messes and teaches them to not trust their intuition. Parents a generation or two ago didn't put these stringent measures into place because they weren't being fed all of this info online. It's really sad. Mothers intuition is one of the most powerful and magical things, it's undermined so much now.

I’d love to step back but they invite themselves round for tea twice a week

Can you think of anything positive to say about your SIL. I’m not being funny, it’s just that all this negativity isn’t going to help ease this situation in the family.

I think saying you “no longer care” she have “given up” was very very harsh.

Judgey judgey.

I've got two DC, and according to you I must be a right shit mum. Neither of mine were rolling at 8 weeks - but I suspect you're a bit full of shit with this claim. https://www.nhsinform.scot/ready-steady-baby/early-parenthood/your-baby-s-development-from-2-to-12-months

As does the medical establishment ...

So say no, it isn't convenient then?

By the way this really sprang out to me:

"My parents have bankrolled her maternity leave thus far to try and help enable her to attend baby groups, as we thought being around other parents might make her realise how wrong her views are"

It's your parents money. Not yours.

Weird comment, are you ok?

It sounds like she's had a terrible time of it, including trauma and injury from the birth, and that it has been very difficult for her to cope with recovering from the birth and caring for her baby.

And you all sound quite... aggressive... in your approach to interacting with the baby. Can you not see how your family might all be a bit too much for an anxious, vulnerable new mother, especially if as you say her relationship with your brother is on quite rocky ground?

It's like you see the baby, but you don't really see her or what she's going through.

Good one 👌

Never said it was my money? We thought it would help, so they decided to pay her a ‘salary’ on maternity leave as she didn’t qualify for SMP.

Your lack of comprehension skills sprang out to me.

I’ll admit I posted without reading the full thread but I have now, I initially thought my post was maybe a bit harsh but reading your other posts I think you are absolutely overstepping at almost every opportunity. If you were my SIL I think I’d give you a wide berth and I’d be terrified of you being overpowering and confrontational. You sound like you’re ready to explode and I don’t agree with your view that you are entitled to have whatever suits you with the baby. It’s not your baby and it’s not your choice it’s that simple. You can bitch all types of negative nasty comments about your SIL being in the wrong on every aspect of life but it doesn’t make you right and it reflects badly on you imo. You parent responsible or have any say on anyone else’s relationship with the baby either. It’s entirely mum and dads choice at this point. What’s your end game? To get closer to your nephew or slag off your SIL? If it’s the first you could apologise and genuinely do things on her terms until you e built a good relationship with her. Harbouring negativity isn’t going to do anything other than drive everyone further apart. If your brother is reluctant to talk to his wife and see your perspective then that’s that- you’re angry but you really don’t get a say. Lots of posters here are telling you that very clearly but you aren’t really listening!

Don't know if she's anxious or completely bonkers but I don't see the point in lying to her when she asked you

Don't think social media helps with people's anxiety, seems to make people worse but then I've never known anyone try and keep their family away for weeks after birth or who refuse to let people hold the baby

And it's not actually seen as a great thing that babies and toddlers didn't get to interact with other people during covid , they missed out an a lot of normal things that are good for development during that time

It’s their choice if they don’t want anyone else holding their baby but of course that is going to impact on peoples ability to bond with him. If no one is allowed to hold, feed or play with him it makes interaction pretty difficult. I think you did the right thing by telling her the truth. She’ll also be one of those parents (when he’s older), who can’t understand why he doesn’t have the same bond with the family as other children do.

I think it's sad that so many parents now seem to shut out their close relatives and now allow them to hold or cuddle their baby.

Some of my happiest memories of when mine were newborns was watching my siblings and parents and in laws and, for my eldest my grandparents, cuddle them and watching my little babies start to recognise their faces and gurgle when they came to visit and then reach out for cuddles as they got older.

My brother was the one who was holding my daughters hands when she took her first steps. I still take the piss out of him about how he cried.

Keeping these wonderful people away from my babies just wasn't even considered.

The only thing I can take from this thread is that I’m very glad you’re not a part of my family OP, extended or otherwise. She sounds very anxious but you sound outright hostile and hateful.

Make up your mind. So they make a massive effort to see you, apparently you see them too much yet because they don’t let you hold the baby for hours or take it out on walks without them you don’t care about the baby and can’t possibly bond with it.

Was the birth traumatic for the baby, OP? My situation with DS1 was very different because he was born 4 months early and we nearly lost him on multiple occasions - but, once he was home from a long stint in NICU, it led to me completely unintentionally being unable to pass him to anyone else apart from DH or let anyone else apart from us feed him. Eventually when he was about 8 months old MIL really shouted at me about my paranoia and not letting her cuddle him enough or feed him at all. I was pretty angry about being shouted at, but I did need her to point out that I was by then being overly worried about him, and possessive as a result. I know you say you’ve asked SIL about possible anxiety and been told to butt out - but please do treat her with kindness. I agree that her behaviour seems extreme, but your way is not the only way.

You must be a good hostess 🤣

What the poster means is that you don’t get to be involved or have an opinion because it’s not your money. So when you say ‘we’ it’s actually not you. You’re trying to group everyone together on your side.. my suspicion is that they aren’t all taking your side and don’t feel as put out as you do.. are there any other babies in your family?? You mention your own child but any others? There must be something more here imo for you going on than just your nephew

Aggressive? Cuddling a baby is aggressive? Singing this little piggy went to market whilst touching their toe is aggressive?

my lord 😂

if our family was too much I’m not sure she’d be popping round every other day to see my parents and inviting herself over to mine for tea twice a week.