To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

This.

It's normal for babies to be held by grandparents and aunties. Not sure why that is so controversial here. Yelling at a relative for stroking a baby's hair or feet is extremely hostile and over the top, and suggests an inability to evaluate health information that frankly is a bit worrying. Nevertheless, things got a bit crazy during Covid especially for new mums and clearly our culture of new-mumhood hasn't quite recovered. She's probably not the only new mother who has made some over-the-top rules since Covid and we're all just going to have to play along until things settle down.

Sounds like your SIL is choosing to believe whatever she wants when she finds it on the interwebs. Have you discussed this with her partner? Does she have form for "attention-seeking" or rebelling against social norms? Is she dismissed as a "control freak"? Was she rebelling against lockdown and vaccination and does she voice a lot of very strong opinions about her "rights" regarding Covid? I suspect she will interpret anything you have to say about why nobody is bonding with her baby as "everyone else's problems", and not something of her own making. While a lot of people would dismiss her as a conspiracy theorist, nutter, ect..., this kind of behaviour is often associated with MH disorders including Cluster B personality disorders, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. While there is not much I think you can do to influence her behaviour, encouraging counselling or even better, psychiatric help encouraged by her partner might be extremely valuable. (Although I suspect she would reject/be resistant to the idea.). I think the only person she would hear this from is her partner, so that is with whom I would encourage this dialogue.

What the F is going on in this thread? I’m baffled by the attack on you OP. You never know what you’ll get on MN most days.

Your SIL sounds legitimately insane and very anxious. I feel awful for your family not having time with their grandchild.

Sadly, I have to vote you’re being unreasonable re talking to her so frankly. It simply won’t end well, you won’t change her and if anything you will alienate yourself and your family more. I don’t know what the solution is but with post partum anxiety, criticism like that is cat nip to anxious new mothers.

You should talk to your brother and getting her some help.

Because posters are saying the situation of not allowing family members to hold the baby for the last six months is perfectly ok so I’m asking if that situation still holds for other family members or just some of them? An aunt is not allowed to cuddle the baby but is a grandparent allowed? Is it just selected members of the family who are told no? Please also don’t be telling me what I can and can’t write in my posts unless you have been appointed my personal moderator bossy boots!

Just because you are family it doesn't mean you have the right to feed or take the baby for a walk. The fact you are so rude about SIL may be the reason your family are being held at arms length.

I’d say she definitely needs to speak to her HV asap. It sounds like it could be PMD. Protective and worried mum is one thing that level though is another thing all together. I’m also not surprised that you’re closer to your Best friends baby. Not just because you’re allowed more involvement but Your best friend can often be like your sister and just like Grandparents are closer to their daughter’s children I imagine Aunties are closer to their sisters children.

Dear lord OP you’re taking a hammering on here now - lots of jumping on the bandwagon.

It’s a very very sad situation whichever way you look at it. You family is being denied those adorable newborn early days either through anxiety or PND or just gullibleness to believe online nonsense.

She sounds.. like she has some sort of mental ilness. Health anxiety and paranoia.

Her behaviour is bizarre..
Cant understand that your db lets her wallow in all these issues.

Sounds like she needs to get some profesional help

I would report her to social service actually
Because of the fact she is Soooo easily influenced

What if she reads some weird shit about needing to shake a baby for it to stop crying or something else that is deranged

Id be scared that she'd hurt the baby!

Maybe she had a psychotic break after delivery.... or something

I don’t think it’s bandwagon jumping, the OP has said some really horrible things about her SIL generally and criticised her parenting (aside from the holding thing), maybe SIL gets a lot of criticism from this side of the family? OP has been kind of scathing about her, I would have thought SIL would be well aware of how she and potentially the rest of the family feel, especially if they’re overbearing and critical, add a bit of PPA to that and you’ve got what appears to be a very extreme outcome.

OP, I accept times have changed but millions of us had to cope alone when fathers had no mat leave. My husband was even docked some pay when he took an afternoon off to bring me home from hospital with our second baby and I had baby and a two year old to look after on my own.

If people’s interest in their nephew and grandson hinges solely on their being able to touch him, then I’m fine with those people losing interest.

No wonder so many children are growing up with high anxiety and poor social skills! So many people defending the SIL weird behaviour! Postnatal anxiety in a new first time mum is normal but this is way beyond that! Part of being a good parent is not allowing your fears and anxieties to affect your children! It takes a village to raise a child! Op you did nothing wrong, she asked so you gave her an honest answer!

Do you not think that response is slightly unhinged?

What response?
”let me touch your baby or I will withdraw all care and interest”?

yeah, I do

are you not aware of the context? Feel sorry for your children if you have any

Yes at 5 months his looks and sparkling repartee should be enough to keep people gazing at him in awe and wonder How sad that you don't reuse that holding and playing with a child is a normal part of human interaction.

You feel sorry for my children because I don’t feel it imperative that I touch and hold someone else’s baby in order to care and be interested in them? Ok. Bit weird but ok.

Yeah you’re right I’m the weird one 😂

I didn’t meet my cousin’s baby for the first year of his life. I managed to still be interested in him and ask about him and care about him as I do my nieces and nephews.
So, you may think that’s sad, but I can live with that.

“I can only care about children who I have held and touched and tickled for a reasonable amount of time while they were infants”
Yeah, that’s weird

As someone who had a baby in the first lockdown - how dare you judge these parents for following the social distancing guidelines. It was a scary time being a first time parent, you already don't know what to do and throw in an unknown virus, media frenzy and lockdown of course they were cautious of not letting anyone within 6 feet. My baby met her grandparents/greatgrandparents/aunties in gardens at a 6ft distance when she was 4 months old. By 6/7 months we had relaxed a bit and she visited people more often and finally had cuddles. She is now the most happy 3 year old who only wants mum (a completely normal phase for a 3 year old btw!) but who also is a social butterfly and has amazing relationships with the rest of the family.

When op did their PhD in child development did they miss the module on good enough parenting and cultural differences in child rearing practices? Presumable their counseling course omitted to include empathy.

Well newborns are a bit boring, especially other people's! It's not like reading to them or cooing from across the room is going to help people bond

I'm glad my dil doesn't act like half the people on this thread