To have been honest with SIL about her DS5 months

[queasyjet]

I have a very upset SIL on my hands and want to know whether I was being unreasonable for being honest with her after all this time.

She has a 5, nearly 6 month old son. Since having him both her and my brother have been absolutely nuts for want of a better phrase.

No one was allowed to visit until he was 2 months old, my parents were heartbroken (although they were told they could spend £££ on food shopping and drop it off at their door every week of course)

Visits started when he hit 10 weeks, but no one was allowed to hold him, she has read some absolute bullshit online and thinks anyone who touches his cheek will break his face, if you tickle his feet it will cause some form of internal injury, she isn’t the brightest bulb in the lamp so believes any old shit she reads on Instagram.

I can count on one hand how many times my parents have cuddled him, I’ve been allowed to hold him once, my partner hasn’t been given that honour yet and we see them 2 times a week! My grandad was in tears last week as yet again he had been refused to have his great grandson on his lap for 2 minutes. He has held him once.

The family all have views on this but no one has said anything, but my SIL was asking me at a family event yesterday evening why people don’t seem bothered about interacting with my nephew anymore. I was honest and said it’s because no one has a bond with him since we’ve all been held at arms length. I personally no longer care about holding him, which is really sad, but I’ve given up hoping to one day have a nice cuddle or stroke his hair, play with his feet and sing this little piggy etc.

A friend had a child a month after my brother and SIL and my partner and I are so much closer to them as we actually get to bond with her, we are allowed to hold her for hours, feed her, take her out for walks etc. I find it wild how my SIL can’t see a correlation between not allowing anyone to bond with her son and people no longer caring.

she is now upset but in my view she asked and for once I was honest. I’m not sure based on this reaction whether she actually wanted people to chase after her in terms of begging for a crumb, and now people don’t even bother to ask to hold him she is getting out of shape about it.

I have relatives like this op and I completely understand where you are coming from! My relatives dc is now a very unsociable toddler who clings to his parents and will be an absolute nightmare to start school or nursery with.

not sure how contacting social services is interfering, and I wouldn’t have, but my parents have an outdated view that due to my job I have to report everything and anything to social services!

It sounds very worrying and quite OTT.

I used to work with someone whose DIL was very much like this with her first baby. It was partway through covid which I think masked a bit of the more extreme behaviour but it was worrying a lot of the family. She did eventually ease up with it after accepting she was suffering with anxiety and visiting the doctor but it took a while.

Do you think you could get through to your DB to encourage your SIL to get a bit of help?

I had every sympathy with you in your first post but since then you have been very defensive and snarky towards pps . Wondering if there's something else going on .

It sounds like SIL had/has PPA, and a difficult post birth physical recovery too. You clearly don’t like her from the way that you’ve described her, so I can’t imagine that you delivered this information particularly kindly or thoughtfully. Babies feed very differently, so you’re in no position to tell her what’s normal based on your own experience or from google. How would you feel if your IL’s were trying to tell you how to parent your child? It would be kinder to give her some compassion and understanding as a new mum instead of judging her every decision…

Yes something is so off here. Babies aren't toys to be passed around and tickled. How odd.

My brother and SIL were like this. I'm now very close to their kids (as are my parents). We all had similar thoughts to you I suppose, but we kept it to ourselves. Bot my kid, not my decision 🤷‍♀️

Babies don't have any expiration date so by the time they were toddlers things changed seemingly overnight. And we adults all have good relationships with each other because we respect each other and stay in our lanes. I suspect you'll continue to be kept at arms length now because you told her what you think. My SIL eventually relaxed a lot but when the 2nd and 3rd came along it was the same again. Because I encouraged her to do whatever she thought was best for herself and her baby she trusts me.

And if you bothered to read my posts I did both of those things

Sounds like a mix of anxiety in her, and you lot all being smug and pushy (which will be making her more anxious).

The way you're treating a new, clearly anxious, mum is bloody awful. The fact she was worried about you reporting her to SS says it all, along with helpfully offering a midwife friend to check up on her, all the sanctimonious 'google says....' as if having one kid 6 years ago makes you the oracle of all things baby related.

The more you write, the more your contempt for her shines through, and her anxiety is probably down to having to have people around her and her baby when they clearly dislike her.

Might be PND,might not.. some just dont do pass the parcel with the baby. First three months of babies life outside the womb is called fourth trimester for a reason.
I dont trust older generation not to kiss the baby on the face,let the baby suck their fingers etc and hell am I going to give any of these sweet cuddles up.

OP, do you not have your own children to pass around you seem to be overly involved in what your SIL does with her baby?

I do wonder if social media doesn't have a lot to answer for with new mums. So much weird and conflicting advice.

The birth and weeks afterwards sound as if they were very tough. She may have trauma from that.

Was okay for the op to answer honestly, she has spoken to her brother who also wants to be left alone. So I'd take a step back now.

Wow.

Just so you know, @queasyjet , tummy time is a fairly recent thing. My parents didn’t do it with me or my brothers and yet, we’re all grand. My in laws didn’t do it with DH, but he played rugby professionally. I didn’t do it with my child yet he runs and walks and jumps every day without issue. He rolled at 3 months and took his first steps at 9 months too. So all you’re arguing that you knows what’s best is clearly crap because tummy time wasn’t done for millennia, and yet humans are doing okay at the walking thing.

Im not surprised your SIL doesn’t interact with you. You’re so judgemental about her, you clearly don’t like her and I’m guessing she knew this before she had the baby and doesn’t trust you - and I think she’s right about that. It does sound like she has some anxiety issues, but you’ve questioned that and you’ve been told to back off - maybe you actually need to back off. If you have genuine concerns about her health, and not just the bitchy judgemental attitude you are displaying here, calling her a ‘hub’ and ‘mental’ (which by the way is HUGELY offensive), then calmly discuss it with your brother.

Good for you OP. Someone should have given her a straight talking to months ago. She needs help, and fast. And your brother should be making her get that help, not pandering to her.

Yep, never said otherwise?

Or did you miss the ‘formula fed babies’ line

YANBU at all. She's batshit and incredibly self centered. Your brother is so concerned with not rocking the boat, he' d rather see his child neglected.

All well and good saying she has anxiety and she's unwell but she is also a grown woman who has chosen to care for another human and there's is almost nothing you can do until she accepts help.

Are you being a bit hyperbolic, op?

It sound like she is being OTT but has she really read online that babies get internal bleeding from feet tickles or are you overegging the pudding because of your contempt for her?

It’s a recent thing because placing babies on their back to sleep is a recent thing.

or do you have no idea why tummy time exists?

your comment reads like you don’t

never said I know best, but I sure as hell think all the medically trained professionals and those who have done countless studies into these topics do

I agree. She's clearly struggling. Rather than judging her, I'd be trying to get help for her.

Those are the words from her mouth, as I said, not the brightest bulb.

She also buys into conspiracy theories etc. she can see one post online and it will be fact

You have admitted that you’ve used google to find your info, yet your condemning your SIL for the same thing.

Tummy time is not ‘medically necessary’, my son slept on his back and had no tummy time, he’s fine. And MANY medical professionals don’t even recommend starting it till the child is around 8 weeks because they say it’s unnecessary till then, tummy time is controversial with differing opinions, so no, you aren’t right in what you say. And children for not have a four hour schedule. Youve had one kid, you aren’t all knowing, and if this is how you behave then I’m really not surprised. You sound so unsupportive to your SIL, I feel sorry for her and your brother.

People have tried to help her, it’s beyond that point now tbh

My parents have bankrolled her maternity leave thus far to try and help enable her to attend baby groups, as we thought being around other parents might make her realise how wrong her views are and that people do tickle their babies feet etc. it would also help in terms of getting her some interaction which I think isn’t helping matters, she only spends time with my brother and us as a family a few times a week. Never out with friends or other parents, has cut her own family off etc.

not sure how contacting social services is interfering

Um... ok

Sounds like she may have good reason to have kept you at arms length tbh.

My friend had a traumatic birth including a bad prolapse and her post-natal recovery included "aerating her vagina" ie lying down naked from the waist down for hours every day, with her legs apart in the air so her wounds got lots of airflow to help them heal. Not saying that's what your SIL needed, but just another example of why the preferences of in-laws don't come before the privacy of the new mother!

It's funny, op, because I read the OP and did not think YWBU, but everything you have posted since and how you speak about this child's mother really clarifies for me why they don't want you around their child.

Makes no difference, all babies are feed on demand now. My baby is 4 months, formula fed and feeds every 3 hours roughly.

You seem to think everything you do is right, back off with the judgmental attitude. Nearly everything you commented on is just a personal choice of how to do things. Are you willing to see this and chill out or are you looking to make her life a misery because she is not conforming to your/family views.

Do you not think there is a difference between the NHS website and peer reviewed studies published online and an Instagram post?

Tummy time is definitely not controversial if you believe in science, medicine etc.