Sick of him dragging my child down

[gooddayturnedshit]

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

No you didn't overreact. He sounds awful OP

You have a man in your home who calls your daughter a psychopath. How long will that be the case? He was mad to have a child with someone he considers a bad parent. You’d be mad to stay with someone so unbelievably horrible.

Fwiw not all 12 year olds are rude, they all have their moments as do children and adults of all ages, but passively hoping they grow out of persistently rude behaviour is naive and potentially pretty irresponsible. You don’t teach them to behave better by rewarding it with cash.

However, I had an ex who shouted at me and I’m never doing it again and certainly wouldn’t have that going on around my children.

No, you didn't overreact. Your partner sounds like an arse. Saying your 12year old is a possible psychopath? Utterly unacceptable, unless she has done something extreme.

It sounds like he resents her and i hope your DD isn't going to end up badly damaged by his attitude.

Ffs. Another one. It’s a fucking epidemic.

He sounds like a peach 🙄

There could be plenty of good reasons for the declined call. Maybe she was busy. Maybe she was in a cinema by then and couldn't talk. Maybe he was mistaken and signal cut it off, not her.

I do think if I had a 12 year old I would have a conversation with her about answering if I call her when she's out on her own, at least (if any of the above apply) a text saying "I can't answer right now Mum, in cinema/bad signal/comforting friend who's hamster just died" etc etc. However, that would apply to me, her parent, and I don't know what dynamic she has with your DP.

That said, he blew it all out of proportion and he sounds very childish. Can you have a conversation with him about how he makes you feel like a bad mother and you'd appreciate him laying off the criticism, or would he just blow up?

It's not just him calling your DD a psychopath that would worry me, but his threat about how he's going to discipline your DS in the future. What's he going to do - thump any rudeness out of him? 12 year olds are sometimes rude and abrupt and often selfish, but it does pass.

He sounds like my stepdad. He made our lives miserable. Us children, as adults, have no relationship with our mum and we all have issues.

Teenage (and preteen) children are difficult.

But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

So what are you going to do about it? Your children - all 4 of them - are being emotionally damaged by him and his abuse.
Are you going to stay or have you the guts to leave him?

My first LTB

I understand what you're saying. I do discipline her, usually by removing her phone and laptop or grounding her when she gives me her bad attitude.
The thing is that she wasn't rude to me. She called me and said 'please may I have some money cos we're going to x shopping centre. You can take it out of my birthday money'. I'm holding her birthday money as she asked me to do, so that she doesn't waste it.
She doesn't seem psychopathic to me in any way. And so she rejected his call. Maybe she was unable to talk at that moment. Why get so worked up about it?

He has over reacted.

however I do think you are massively under reacting to your daughter being rude. She needs to learn that that isn’t acceptable and a “but she is 12” response won’t do that.

Why are you with a man who hates your child, and why on earth would you choose to have a child with him? Fucking hell. Your poor kids.

Do your children like him?

Do they see their dad? If so, does he know what they have to put up with?

Are your older 3 kids aware their step dad doenst like them?

I guarantee they do and it will fucking them up growing up in that environment.

Think very hard about what you want to do here.

I'm considering that I can't carry on living like this. The thing is that my children adore him and he does an awful lot for and with them. It's just behind closed doors that he has a go at me about my parenting and my daughter's rudeness.

Someone asked do the kids see their dad. They did, but he's now in a new relationship and has dropped off the face of the Earth. They haven't seen him in 8 months.

Hes being a Knob. Also, he's not very bright. He doesn't actually know the definition of a psychopath, does he.

It sounds like he resents her and i hope your DD isn't going to end up badly damaged by his attitude.

It would be a miracle if she wasn’t. Regardless of op saying that her DC adore him, the feelings he has about her DC will absolutely be being felt.
I’m traumatised by the awful experience I had when DM moved her arsehole ‘D’P in with us for several years & I was a similar age.

Sorry OP but this sounds utterly toxic and as for the comments regarding DD being rude what exactly was she rude about? Other than not answer the call? Hardly rude! Maybe she was avoiding a discussion with him because she simply cannot stand him.

Unfortunately I don’t believe you when you state op that he only rants to yourself about her I guarantee his mannerisms towards her speak absolute volumes and for the record he sounds like the psychopath carrying on like that over a 12yo!

Sorry, I couldn't get beyond the fact he told you, to your face, that he thought your child might be a psychopath. I didn't read any more of your post.

He's really good with the kids, honestly. I know you all think that they must be damaged in some way by him but if that's the case then they aren't aware of it yet. They are currently out for lunch with him. I just got an apology from him and a video of the little one eating his lunch with a spoon and missing his mouth. I can clearly hear my 9 year old and my 7 year old laughing and messing around together in the background.
He behaved like a total twat today by calling my daughter a psychopath, but I know he loves her. He ferries her around when she asks him (politely), takes her to places she'd never otherwise go, gives her his time and encouragement. She generally is in her room when she's at home with me and the other kids but will emerge once she hears DP come home and hang around with us in the kitchen. I KNOW that she adores him.

His manners sound appalling. It's astonishing that he sees fit to criticise anyone else for that.

So I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm sick to death of his ranting. And I'm deeply offended about what he said about my daughter. I feel like this might be the end of the road for me, but the kids would be devastated if he were to move out.

Why would you let a man that talks about your child in that way to be a daily part of her home life? She deserves better.

He called your kid a psychopath. Worse, he felt compelled to encourage you to agree that your child is a psychopath. And it's clearly not the first time he has pulled a stunt like this.

And now you are reknitting a narrative in which he is the hero.

I mean, come on.