Sick of him dragging my child down

[gooddayturnedshit]

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

What's his explanation for having a child with a woman he paints as a crap mother?

If you believe this to be true and abuse will you have a word with @Coralsunset for saying similar to me about 10 minutes ago and not one of you batted an eyelid or is it only abusive when men say things 🤔

@gooddayturnedshit the fact that your daughter didn't take his call was a perfect excuse for him to execute what he may well have been planning for a while. There are many red flags in what you've said. Including the good time being had by those who did go the lunch.

From what you've said it sounds like this isn't a one off. Be very, very careful with this one.

When he comes back you need to talk about how he spoke about your DD and how he spoke to you. If he doesn't show genuine willingness to change then there's your decision made for you.

That must be such a horrible home life for all your DC, particularly your DD. I don't think you can come back from him calling your DD a psychopath. Please ask him to leave for your DC's sake.

Or it was a final straw of listening to his step daughters rudeness while op sits back and let's it happen

Another excellent point.
The happy photos of the family members who complied with him; insinuating that OP is the problem.
He’s gaslighting you OP.
Be very careful with this man. It’s not such a stretch at this point for him to tell people he had to take the kids out of the house because you were drunk and angry.

Get this arsehole out of your kids life.

Omg your really reaching her you have literally created a story in your head

He went hot and cold. Then called her drunk for no reason. Then criticised her parenting or her daughter saying what he would do with his son.

That's about control. He weaponised his son. He was making the point that he isn't allowed to control the daughter and he doesn't like it.

The comment about being drunk was nasty. It was about making the OP question herself. It was a put down to make sure she knew EXACTLY what he thought of her. Immediately after doing something nice. So he can use that against her. "You were out of order earlier" "I did something nice with the kids you ungrateful cow".

It's all about control.

He didn't like the fact the daughter put the phone down so he went nuts. Control.
So he called her a psychopath. Even though it's his reaction that's disproportionate.

If the OP is getting randomly accused of being drunk and then he's really nice about something and the OP doesn't understand why he called her drunk, think about whether that's what he's doing with the daughter. Control.

She put the phone down so he starts calling her names. Then he's nice to the kids. Control.

If you do what I say, I will be nice to you. If you don't then I will punish you. And he uses one kid to set that example whilst being nice to the others. Control.

Control control control.

It's all about that.

OP need to start spotting it.

And I'm sad to say your DC adoring him really doesn't mean much. Even DC that are severely abused often adore their parent/step parent.

And no wonder your DD's out of sorts with her dad jilting her and her step dad treating her so badly. She needs lots of your love and attention, not punishments.

Hi,
In my previous job I worked with victims of domestic violence.
Once you see a pattern of behaviour, for example the gaslighting mentioned by OP, it’s easy to see how these behaviours can be utilised to control victims and to control narratives further down the line.
I understand that you seem to have a very poor radar for potentially worrying behaviour but please don’t criticise other posters for noticing and pointing out these behaviour patterns.
You could be the reason she ignores and continues to listen to him. You could be the reason she does not reach out for support. You could be the reason she stays in an abusive relationship.

This is spot on.

If I called a friend's daughter (or son) a psychopath, I wouldn't expect to be welcome in their home any time soon. Yet this guy is in a parental role to your DD but thinks nothing of haranguing you about any perceived slight from her in this totally exaggerated, over-angry way.

I wonder if he just prefers younger kids - some people do, as they rarely answer back. Kind of control thing. Maybe he feels DD is disrupting his new home life where its him and his partner and their obedient flock of children. I feel sorry for your daughter, she's not doing anything to deserve this. She sounds like a good kid.

Have you thought that he might turn against each of your kids in turn when they hit puberty?

How was she rude? She didn't even speak to him.

You need to set a clear boundary that what he said today is completely unacceptable

Any future conversations on this topic are off limits and make it clear how upset you are and that this is a dealbreaker for you

IF everything else makes you happy & he can adhere to this, maybe you stand a chance
If not - he's gone

In fairness though, going by your own posts, you will be pissed and shagging another random bloke.

The daughter putting the phone down on him is rude and it sounds like this is a very common occurrence and the op doesn't do a lot to correct her daughters behaviour. This is a man raising 3 kids that aren't is own he deserves a little respect. Have you ever had a friend or relative who literally let their kids get away with murder and do zero to parent them and how annoying and frustrating that is now imagine living with that 24/7

Spot on.
how are so many men out of touch with children?!

Also, calling her a psychopath?! @gooddayturnedshit you should ask him what qualifies him to diagnose her with a condition. So many people nowadays throw terms around like ‘narcissist’ or ‘psychopath’ - these are legitimate diagnoses that need to be made by psychiatrists with in depth assessments.

Also, why is he honing on in on your daughter? Is there something else at play here?

He needs to buckle up. Your dd is just coming into peak door slamming, eye rolling, eyebrow raising teen hormones, it’s testing the boundaries time! He needs to be able to deal with her behaviour calmly ( in front of her at least, biting down on a towel and screaming is allowed in private ) . The next five years will be testing for both of you, but if you work together you will get your lovely daughter back in the end. What won’t work is calling her names, having different attitudes towards her behaviour and making heavy impulsive demands.

Firm boundaries yes, random reactive responses no.

It doesn't sound like you're really standing up for her. I wonder if you are you afraid of him.

Your responses sound a bit vague 'all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times'. You continued to potter around while listening and eventually left the room.

What would happen if you stood your ground, looked him in the eye and said 'No she is not a psychopath. Don't talk about her like that' ?

She missed his call. He had previously missed hers too. Everything else you’ve put is either made up or complete dick pandering nonsense.

And is that a justification to call his partner drunk?

You're in a relationship with a man who is playing power games, a man who deep down doesn't really love anyone but uses people in close relationships to fill a bottomless insecurity.

What he's doing with the rants about your daughter is trying to drive a wedge between you and her. He wants you to choose him or her. It's a short hop from there to overt abuse on his part and the expectation that you will join in.

Your child is not rude. She more than likely knows fully how things have changed at home since he became part of everyone's lives.

His comments about what 'his child' will or won't do when he's older reveal a fantasy of control. They also reveal an assumption of superiority on his part, superiority as a parent, and possibly superiority of his genetic input as opposed to yours or the girl's father.
Calling the youngest 'his' child is worrying. The baby is yours too.