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Original poster

Sick of him dragging my child down

203 replies

gooddayturnedshit · 31/05/2023 13:27

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 31/05/2023 16:21

Fucking hell, do better for your children.

azlazee1 · 31/05/2023 16:21

Your DP is the psychopath. I'd be afraid for my children.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 31/05/2023 16:23

I don’t blame her for rejecting his call.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:24

RedToothBrush · 31/05/2023 16:20

And is that a justification to call his partner drunk?

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If she is one it's a valid question where only getting one side of the story

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 31/05/2023 16:26

@mathanxiety and @RedToothBrush are speaking words of wisdom

SpringTime2020 · 31/05/2023 16:26

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:15

The daughter putting the phone down on him is rude and it sounds like this is a very common occurrence and the op doesn't do a lot to correct her daughters behaviour. This is a man raising 3 kids that aren't is own he deserves a little respect. Have you ever had a friend or relative who literally let their kids get away with murder and do zero to parent them and how annoying and frustrating that is now imagine living with that 24/7

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She declined his call, she didn't put the phone down on him. He's calling her a psychopath for declining a call! I mean honestly if a child not being told off for declining a call is them 'getting away with murder' I truly hope you don't have children.

Emotionalsupportviper · 31/05/2023 16:26

No - you didn't over react. She's a prepubescent girl - her hormones are all over the place (my two sisters and I were absolute witches at this age, and so was my DD): she's out shopping with a friend - she won't want to be interrupted because she's either busy or trying to act "cool"; she's just being what she is - a young teen (has he never watched Harry Enfield?).

It would have upset me, too, if my DH had spoken about our child like that.

RedToothBrush · 31/05/2023 16:27

mathanxiety · 31/05/2023 16:20

You're in a relationship with a man who is playing power games, a man who deep down doesn't really love anyone but uses people in close relationships to fill a bottomless insecurity.

What he's doing with the rants about your daughter is trying to drive a wedge between you and her. He wants you to choose him or her. It's a short hop from there to overt abuse on his part and the expectation that you will join in.

Your child is not rude. She more than likely knows fully how things have changed at home since he became part of everyone's lives.

His comments about what 'his child' will or won't do when he's older reveal a fantasy of control. They also reveal an assumption of superiority on his part, superiority as a parent, and possibly superiority of his genetic input as opposed to yours or the girl's father.
Calling the youngest 'his' child is worrying. The baby is yours too.

This.

Your daughter will never be good enough because she's not his. And he will make sure she knows this.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:27

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 16:09

Hi,
In my previous job I worked with victims of domestic violence.
Once you see a pattern of behaviour, for example the gaslighting mentioned by OP, it’s easy to see how these behaviours can be utilised to control victims and to control narratives further down the line.
I understand that you seem to have a very poor radar for potentially worrying behaviour but please don’t criticise other posters for noticing and pointing out these behaviour patterns.
You could be the reason she ignores and continues to listen to him. You could be the reason she does not reach out for support. You could be the reason she stays in an abusive relationship.

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Or you could be wrong and you could be the reason for a divorce and their son losing a dad and the others losing a father figure

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 16:27

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:24

If she is one it's a valid question where only getting one side of the story

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And even though you’re only getting one side, you still manage to defend the abusive man and believe his unsubstantiated and denied claims that she is drunk/ has a drinking problem.

And you still can’t see how this could be a tool to manipulate professionals and courts later down the line…

mathanxiety · 31/05/2023 16:28

RedToothBrush · 31/05/2023 16:04

He went hot and cold. Then called her drunk for no reason. Then criticised her parenting or her daughter saying what he would do with his son.

That's about control. He weaponised his son. He was making the point that he isn't allowed to control the daughter and he doesn't like it.

The comment about being drunk was nasty. It was about making the OP question herself. It was a put down to make sure she knew EXACTLY what he thought of her. Immediately after doing something nice. So he can use that against her. "You were out of order earlier" "I did something nice with the kids you ungrateful cow".

It's all about control.

He didn't like the fact the daughter put the phone down so he went nuts. Control.
So he called her a psychopath. Even though it's his reaction that's disproportionate.

If the OP is getting randomly accused of being drunk and then he's really nice about something and the OP doesn't understand why he called her drunk, think about whether that's what he's doing with the daughter. Control.

She put the phone down so he starts calling her names. Then he's nice to the kids. Control.

If you do what I say, I will be nice to you. If you don't then I will punish you. And he uses one kid to set that example whilst being nice to the others. Control.

Control control control.

It's all about that.

OP need to start spotting it.

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What RedToothBrush said.

With bells on.

OP, this man will destroy you and all your children if you don't wake up and smell the coffee.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 31/05/2023 16:28

RedToothBrush · 31/05/2023 16:04

He went hot and cold. Then called her drunk for no reason. Then criticised her parenting or her daughter saying what he would do with his son.

That's about control. He weaponised his son. He was making the point that he isn't allowed to control the daughter and he doesn't like it.

The comment about being drunk was nasty. It was about making the OP question herself. It was a put down to make sure she knew EXACTLY what he thought of her. Immediately after doing something nice. So he can use that against her. "You were out of order earlier" "I did something nice with the kids you ungrateful cow".

It's all about control.

He didn't like the fact the daughter put the phone down so he went nuts. Control.
So he called her a psychopath. Even though it's his reaction that's disproportionate.

If the OP is getting randomly accused of being drunk and then he's really nice about something and the OP doesn't understand why he called her drunk, think about whether that's what he's doing with the daughter. Control.

She put the phone down so he starts calling her names. Then he's nice to the kids. Control.

If you do what I say, I will be nice to you. If you don't then I will punish you. And he uses one kid to set that example whilst being nice to the others. Control.

Control control control.

It's all about that.

OP need to start spotting it.

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All of this.

Except I didn’t think she answered the call, which is different to putting the phone down.

So even more accurate really considering the minor transgression that supposedly triggered your “D” P

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 16:28

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:27

Or you could be wrong and you could be the reason for a divorce and their son losing a dad and the others losing a father figure

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“losing their dad”?
What are you talking about?

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:30

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/05/2023 16:14

In fairness though, going by your own posts, you will be pissed and shagging another random bloke.

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Stfu

SpringTime2020 · 31/05/2023 16:31

Iknowthis1 · 31/05/2023 16:17

It doesn't sound like you're really standing up for her. I wonder if you are you afraid of him.

Your responses sound a bit vague 'all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times'. You continued to potter around while listening and eventually left the room.

What would happen if you stood your ground, looked him in the eye and said 'No she is not a psychopath. Don't talk about her like that' ?

This is a really good point. You were so passive. You allowed him to say these things about your DD. It does sound as if you were just trying to keep things calm as you were scared of what would happen if you stood up to him. Obviously only you know if that is the case.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:31

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 16:28

“losing their dad”?
What are you talking about?

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Have you even read the original post

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 16:33

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:31

Have you even read the original post

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I think I’ve clearly evidenced that I have.

IVbumble · 31/05/2023 16:33

This is the key sentence where he was replying to your comment about your nephew being rude to you.

Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

Which really means he just doesn't like your DC.

Outdamnspot23 · 31/05/2023 16:34

gooddayturnedshit · 31/05/2023 14:18

Yes. Yes she does. He's disgusted me by talking about my child like that.

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Just so struck by the fact that he "won't shut up about how awful she is". I can't imagine the stress of living with someone who not only feels that about me but constantly harps on to my mother about it too.

Presumably you love her. How can things have got to the point that he feels he has a right to tear her to shreds to you??? I think you need to stand up for her far better. She might be your eldest but she's still a young child and she has nowhere else to go.

EvilElsa · 31/05/2023 16:37

Without question, if I had a partner who was an arsehole about and to my kids all the time that would be it for me. Calling my 12 year old a psychopath?! Absolutely not. Accusing you of being drunk because you won't let him slag your DD off in a long rant at you? That's AWFUL. Don't think your kids don't realise who and what he is either, because I'd guarantee they do and they will remember forever. I can remember word for word the awful things my dad said to mum when I was 9 and he was having an affair. Nobody here knows your relationship outside of what's been said here, but I'd be looking very carefully at it. Why he would think you would want to go to lunch with him after he called your child names is beyond me, and if he can't figure that out then he's an idiot.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 31/05/2023 16:38

How many threads like this will I read today? Another woman saying her kids love her DP, and posting the vile nonsense hes been talking about her kids RIGHT TO HER FACE!! Utterly disgusting. I really wonder if your need to be with someone surpasses your need to be a mother first.

SchoolShenanigans · 31/05/2023 16:38

So IRL I would have a chat with him and issue an ultimatum. It's never ok to call your children negative names, especially a psychopath or similar, and if he does it again, it's over as you won't have name calling and bullying in your house, especially by a grown adult to a child.

It's ok for him to raise issues of behaviour in context to situations. For example, "I found it a bit rude that she declined my call, it feels like she only want to call me when she wants money". You can then either agree or disagree. That's a normal conversation (unless he's constantly interpreting actions in a negative way).

But it's not ok to label them or call them bad names, and you won't have it.

It's a boundary that he needs to know you won't cross.

nidgey · 31/05/2023 16:42

gooddayturnedshit · 31/05/2023 14:19

I'm not reknitting anything. I'm just sharing the facts, and I'm sorry if they don't fit your agenda.

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What does he mean when he says 'psychopath'? I think it sounds awful, and you're right to not put up with anyone, let alone your partner and stepfather of your children, be so verbally abusive about your child. You need to tell him it's not ok, and tbh stop discussing her and her behaviour with him unless it's completely out of line.

FinnysTail · 31/05/2023 16:48

Your DD adores a man who calls her a psychopath. Ok then 🙄

Your DH sent you a a funny video of HIS child with the other DC laughing in the background, depicting a happy family. Has he sent you a video of him chastising your D.C.? Well no… he wouldn’t would he?

My neighbour told me I was drunk when I complained about her piling rubbish outside my window. I don’t drink.

Instead of trying to make excuses for your “man” OP, wake up and smell the coffee.

Honestly, I can’t believe some mothers who put a bloke above their DC. You are your DC’s only protector. That’s your job! Protect them and stop making allowances for the bloke YOU brought into their lives. The kids don’t have a choice. Listen to them and stop pretending they adore a man who calls them names! 🤬

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/05/2023 16:49

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 16:30

Stfu

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I do think that your giving advice to put up, shut up and be pathetically grateful that a man has honoured a woman with the opportunity for him to pick on her adolescent daughter might actually be helpful -

because if somebody who is addicted to alcohol, has until very recently used drugs and is now only not using because she is trying to get her children returned to her, has had unsafe sex on multiple occasions because the type of men she allows in her home refuse to use barrier methods of contraception and believes that she is love with the latest random because she didn't see him for a couple of nights because she had an access visit thinks this man deserves a medal - well, that makes it clear as day that the OP should be doing the exact opposite in order to safeguard her children.