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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sick of him dragging my child down

203 replies

gooddayturnedshit · 31/05/2023 13:27

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 31/05/2023 15:26

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:20

How is anyone on mumsnet in a relationship still you all encourage each other to break up over the smallest things

Or to put it more crudely. Perhaps if people saw the shit that was clearly happening beneath their nose, they wouldn't keep stepping in it?

Coralsunset · 31/05/2023 15:27

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy

That doesn’t make sense but I will leave you to it. Am guessing you are off your tits as usual. Your poor kids…

luckylavender · 31/05/2023 15:27

Why do people put these useless damaging men above their children's needs?

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:28

Coralsunset · 31/05/2023 15:27

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy

That doesn’t make sense but I will leave you to it. Am guessing you are off your tits as usual. Your poor kids…

I'm saying how can you accuse anyone of being abusive 🤔

LemonSherbertIce · 31/05/2023 15:31

@gooddayturnedshit This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to me. I have 2 DDs, 12 and 16. They are usually polite, affectionate, happy girls but there are times when there is drama, rudeness and upset like this week (friendship issues at school, a period due, and GCSES exam stress). DH (their dad) has baked biscuits with one, is taking the other to see a Marvel film (their shared interest) and is biting his tongue 24/7 while we get past this bumpy patch. We roll our eyes in our room but otherwise there is nothing but support. Can you honestly say this is how your DP will parent your 12 yr old DD going forward? In my view he will get worse over time.

Merangutan · 31/05/2023 15:31

What does he think are the traits of a psychopath and why does he think your daughter has them? Or is he just throwing the word about? It’s a really serious thing to say about a twelve year old and if he’s not genuinely concerned that she has no empathy and takes dangerous risks, for example, then it sounds like he’s being malicious about her for the sake of it.

ClemFandango1 · 31/05/2023 15:34

I've been through this with exdp.
I guarantee you this isn't the only 'is it abusive emotionally?' thing he does, but he probably leaves you so muddled you can't tell right now.

You'll eventually end it. Be prepared for DD to be really angry for a long time for 'no reason'.

Of course, his dear child will be capable of no wrong, beware of him driving a wedge between perfect Ds and the rest of your kids.

He's a wrongun, OP. Sorry.

GCalltheway · 31/05/2023 15:34

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:20

How is anyone on mumsnet in a relationship still you all encourage each other to break up over the smallest things

We actually have healthy relationships with adult men that respect children, hardly rocket science.

IncompleteSenten · 31/05/2023 15:35

Children often seem to love adults in their lives who treat them badly. (How many abused children still love their parents? It is well known to be the case)

It doesn't mean it's in their best interests for that adult to remain in their lives.

Theres no way a man who rants and calls your child names is a good person to make them live with. This wasn't even a one off, which would be cad enough. This is ongoing.

It's not ok and if you think that your children will grow up unaware and unaffected by a man who views them as he does, you are fooling yourself.

GCalltheway · 31/05/2023 15:35

ClemFandango1 · 31/05/2023 15:34

I've been through this with exdp.
I guarantee you this isn't the only 'is it abusive emotionally?' thing he does, but he probably leaves you so muddled you can't tell right now.

You'll eventually end it. Be prepared for DD to be really angry for a long time for 'no reason'.

Of course, his dear child will be capable of no wrong, beware of him driving a wedge between perfect Ds and the rest of your kids.

He's a wrongun, OP. Sorry.

By then the damage will be done.

Coyoacan · 31/05/2023 15:37

@pikkumyy77 has a point, OP.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:38

GCalltheway · 31/05/2023 15:34

We actually have healthy relationships with adult men that respect children, hardly rocket science.

Show quote history

He's helping raise and support 3 kids that aren't his the poor bloke deserves a medal

JustOneMoreTry · 31/05/2023 15:38

gooddayturnedshit · 31/05/2023 13:27

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has moved on by now.

Op, many, many years ago I had a stepfather similar to what you describe. One day I was getting changed in my bedroom when he came home and I kicked the door shut as was half naked (and 15). When I came down we chatted and all was fine.
When my mother came home he told her I'd slammed the door in his face and she needed to "sort me out". He was a liar and wanted to cause problems. I moved out shortly after.
Please don't let him cause problems between you and your children- he won't be worth it.

LemonSherbertIce · 31/05/2023 15:41

@gooddayturnedshit I also am not impressed he took them out to lunch like he was the good guy. Odd he asked if you were drunk? What was that about? He sounds tricky and manipulative. I think you need to be careful and get him out. He sounds cunning enough to make you out to be the poor parent further down the road.

Boogiewoogieanddance · 31/05/2023 15:43

Haven't read the whole thread but from what I have I can empathise. My DP can be similar if my DD disagrees/doesn't immediately do what it he wants at times and rant at me. It's usually when he is hangry, I also think that as the kids biological parent we are naturally defensive and I know I can step in too quick occasionally and my inner angry bear comes out when someone criticises my young even the slightest amount. I know I could write about individual events and get a thread load of LTBS. I could also right about his qualities and how actually I do take him for granted at times because he is so good with my daughter that I forget at times he doesn't have the biological connection I have and get a thread full of how good he is.

Its easy to look at one event, or focus on all the similar events and paint a terrible picture but I think once the dust has settled and we can take a step back, alot of the time I know for us it is communication and stubbornness that neither want to admit they are wrong in the moment. Its not acceptable for him to say those things about your daughter, only you know the right this to do for your children but its never black and white, especially in a blended family.

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 15:43

FourTeaFallOut · 31/05/2023 14:17

He called your kid a psychopath. Worse, he felt compelled to encourage you to agree that your child is a psychopath. And it's clearly not the first time he has pulled a stunt like this.

And now you are reknitting a narrative in which he is the hero.

I mean, come on.

Yep. In the space of about ten posts she’s done a full 180. Her kids have no chance

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:46

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 15:43

Yep. In the space of about ten posts she’s done a full 180. Her kids have no chance

Show quote history

She hasn't done a 180 people exaggerated what she said and made their own versions up.

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 15:46

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:38

He's helping raise and support 3 kids that aren't his the poor bloke deserves a medal

Show quote history

No. Providing financially does not give him free reign to abuse

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:46

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 15:46

No. Providing financially does not give him free reign to abuse

Show quote history

What abuse

Boogiewoogieanddance · 31/05/2023 15:47

Also just realised this is prior to lunch arrangements and once he had been fed he apologised. I can 100% relate.

I've made my DH come to an agreement he doesn't raise any issues with me until he's been fed.

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 15:48

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:46

What abuse

Show quote history

Well, accusing her of being drunk in the morning is gaslighting and a worrying indicator of manipulative narrative for a start.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:50

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 15:48

Well, accusing her of being drunk in the morning is gaslighting and a worrying indicator of manipulative narrative for a start.

Show quote history

He asked if she was drunk people ask that all the time. Maybe she drinks a lot where only getting one side here

GrinAndVomit · 31/05/2023 15:52

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 31/05/2023 15:50

He asked if she was drunk people ask that all the time. Maybe she drinks a lot where only getting one side here

Show quote history

Normal people do not ask if someone is drunk when having a disagreement in the morning. OP said she has no idea why he would ask that, which indicates that there is no history of alcohol issues.
It’s a way to belittle and demean at best, or a way to create a false narrative at worst.

Moanranger · 31/05/2023 15:53

I was married to a ranger. (No longer!) It is unacceptable behaviour. I used to leave the room when he started ranting. Make it vv clear to him that you will not tolerate ranting.
Best of luck.

Moanranger · 31/05/2023 15:54

Ranter

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