Sick of him dragging my child down

[gooddayturnedshit]

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

Oh she knows alright, people do not even need to say a single word to convey their feelings. A look can say it all. This is not the first time and won’t be for he last, the poor mite isn’t even a teenager yet!! The worst is yet to come, as is biologically natural for teenagers - she needs support and love as a bare minimum.

A man would not call my child a psychopath twice, it’s outrageous that he has become so hateful towards ops dd already. Now he is being a Disney dad because he knows he over stepped.

You seem to have issues understanding what emotional abuse is. The child does not have a real dad to rely on and is now saddled with a hostile stepfather, hardly a healthy environment for her. Op needs to put her big girls pants on and take a cold look at it the future.

He called your child a psychopath and tried to get you on his side.
You shut him down and walked away, so he sent you a cute video.

He is triangulating. When you set a boundary, he backs down for now - but he isnt going to stop.

Ah, so it's the one he can chase out of the house first.

'She should go and live with her father if she's going to speak to me like that in MY OWN HOUSE'

'Send her to her father, about time I stopped picking up his slack'

Etc.

Teenagers can be a nightmare! Especially teen girls and they love money and spending it

I can understand him getting frustrated with teens

DH and I have also in jest to each other called our teen a psycho (shoot me now)

I mean she is difficult, moody, selfish, lazy blah blah

however we know it’s a phase!

The guy should be able to talk about his feelings - it was rude and he was right that she was after something

My teen would have done exactly the same!

runs and hides from the Mumsnet mafioso!!!!!!

Look some of the things he said was all wrong however he's called out rude behaviour. She called asking for money the declined his call, that is rude.

Just because other kids act that way, doesn't make it right.

Is he financially supporting your other kids? If so, then he has every right to call out this behaviour.

All of this!!!!

He doesn’t get to pay to call out behaviour and certainly not to bully and insult someone else’s children! They are not his to discipline. I feel for the little one. I wonder how he will follow through with his threat?

It’s about time he fucked off isn’t it?

How dare he continually run your DD down. Girls of that age need all the self esteem they can muster. The DC will soon adjust, and they/you won’t have to tolerate any more of his abusive ranting.

is she the only girl?

If he's shouting and ranting the kids will have heard and will know what he thinks of them. And this will be effecting them

There have been times when I've declined calls and I'm pretty sure I'm not psychopathic (I am aware of the irony here) and I don't think I'm rude either, it's just not convenient to take the call. Just because a phone rings doesn't mean you have to answer it.

It could be one of those increasingly common instances where people use clinical terminology in a very lazy, haphazard way, eg narcissist, psychopathic, as saying crazy, moron and idiot have fallen out of fashion.

At the end of the day if his communication style is driving a wedge between you, it's looking like curtains for your relationship. Have you told him this ?

Oh right, so after his little outburst he's out now showing what a brilliant dad and prince among men he really is.

He called your DD a psychopath. What a fucker, I would not stand for that, no way

People are talking like this is a one off. But while the psychopath jibe might be new, the op is clear that this happens often enough that she is sick of him running her down. It's a pattern.

The fact he continued to rant at you and followed you to carry on I suspect he is also abusing you. You disappeared to avoid more conflict I assume? I would bet money on him berating you about more than your parenting,

Ugh! Please leave this man, he clearly has issues with your daughter and he actually sounds like he doesn’t like her!

from what you’ve said she’s done what any normal 12yr old would do when out with a friend? She might have accidentally phoned him and then put the phone down? His attitude is disgusting!

I would honestly leave him, what if your daughter would have heard the way he spoke about her? Does he do this in front of her or in earshot? (I know she was at her friends) but still doesn’t make it right tbh.

would I fuck want a man around my children if he spoke about them that way, by all means help with parenting but don’t constantly bash a child for simply putting the phone down which could have easily been by accident! Not on.

Ok, leaving all the suppositions about his character aside, parenting as a couple is complex. Even with two parents who broadly agree about how to do it. Discussions need to take place between the parents as to how to handle things effectively, fairly and consistently. Especially as the teen years approach and the child changes unexpectedly and rapidly.

He's not wrong as such to raise issues with you, since he does seem to be in role as their parent. But it's HOW he is raising them that is the issue. He shouldn't be abusing and name-calling but asking you what you they the two of you should do with regard to the issues - in this case, your dd's rudeness. He's stressed about it, you've admitted it exists, so discuss and plan how to handle it like mature adults.

How is anyone on mumsnet in a relationship still you all encourage each other to break up over the smallest things

If he has otherwise been a great parent like you say, then maybe, just maybe he us onto something when he says your daughter is too rude?

Not his to discipline but it's ok for him to pay for them?

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy

It will be a cold day in hell before anyone here takes relationship or parenting advice from you.

I do think if I had a 12 year old I would have a conversation with her about answering if I call her when she's out on her own, at least (if any of the above apply) a text saying "I can't answer right now Mum, in cinema/bad signal/comforting friend who's hamster just died" etc etc. However, that would apply to me, her parent, and I don't know what dynamic she has with your DP.

I don't see how that can work. Your child may well be in a situation where it would be rude to start texting, and in a cinema they would be pretty unpopular if the light on their screen is on and they're clicking away on the keyboard. And, of course, she may simply not be aware of the call.

Shhh

The smallest thing isn't tolerating the incessant nit-picking of a child by a step-parent, being shouted at and then playing happy families.

If he's apologising, is he acknowledging that he is in the wrong?

I assume that in the past you've had, or tried to have, conversations with him when you try to get him to see that calling a child a psychopath is incredibly rude, and ridiculous anyway in the context of a bit of bad manners. How do those conversations go?

I think you need to look in a mirror

The thing to be aware of, OP, is that it is perfectly possible for him to be lovely to four out of five of your children and also target and scapegoat one of them. It happens all the time. your poor dd12 is bearing the brunt of this cruelty and he is also using being nice to the others as a way of holding you hostage since he can point to his treatment of the more favored kids and say “see what a nice guy I am?

It’s horrendously damaging to the scapegoat (your 12 tear old) and its damaging to the others because if you throw him out he will withdraw the favors and care they have come to depend on. So if you are not careful your poor daughter will be doubly scapegoated first by him and later by her siblings who may blame her as the cause of losing “fun stepdad.”