Sick of him dragging my child down

[gooddayturnedshit]

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

OP if he is 'often' saying negative things about your children I think you need to do something about it for THEIR sake. Their self-confidence and emotional well-being far outweighs everything else right now.

A 12-year-old DD can't have a 'step parent' bring so openly negative about her or her siblings - she will pick it up from his behavior even if he doesn't say things directly to her / siblings.

As DD gets properly into the teenage years you can expect a lot more 'teenage issues'. Their brains are literally re-wiring see article

It also sounds like he is eating away at your confidence and self esteem - 'are you drunk?'

So sorry you are going through this!

Sounds like it is going to be big changes that are needed. Be brave.

He's being ridiculous.. fair enough she could have sent him a text saying all sorted with mum thanks anyway but she's 12 and like you said you learn these things the older you get. It definitely doesn't make her a psychopath! Also you need to pick your battles with teenagers and this really isn't one.
I know you've said your children really like him but do you? Don't stay just because of the kids you deserve to be happy too, your husband sounds like a knob his behaviour would give me the serious ick.

I find it quite worrying that your DP dislikes your 12 year old DD so much. How long has this been going on? I'm not sure I could be with someone that hated my child. And at 12 years old, it's such a difficult age and you can bet she doesn't adore your DP like you say she does.

Accusing the OP of being drunk is a way of telling her she is being completely unreasonable and irrational in her response to him shouting at her and his general beastliness.

It is also a way to set up a narrative that she was too drunk to accompany the family out to lunch. Was the lunchtime scene taped? Will it be shown to others as evidence of his superior parenting?

Agree with @GrinAndVomit here - he's setting up a narrative. You're not merely an inadequate parent where discipline is concerned, you're a drunk.

When my dh proposed to me I reminded him I had 2 son's with ADHD who could be rude and thoughtless at times but me and my DC come as a package and if he can tolerate their behaviour and still be kind to them both then I'd marry him but if at any point he felt he could no longer do that to just let me know. He has been a fantastic step Dad to all my DC and 2 dgs too. If he had made any of my DC uncomfortable or was nasty to any of them, despite they might provoke him, then I'd have split up from him. Now he goes to the cinema with one son, helps the other son with his DIY and is a far better father to them than their biological one is. Consider if his behaviour is having a negative effect on your DC because if it is you will have to stop it.

I bet the OPs other 2 kids from previous relationship are boys. But regardless, I note so many pages of posters saying the same thing and now the OP has gone. How many times have we seen threads like this? "My DP is a bastard" "yeah he is, what you gonna do" "how dare you say my DP isn't great, he's a good dad". Going from one relationship to another and taking their kids along like hand luggage.

Is this the background of that poster?
Thank you. I’ll refrain from further interactions on that knowledge.

I'm confused - who was that aimed at @NeverDropYourMooncup - are you referring to the OP or replying to another poster?!

You're on to him OP. You're not happy, you've had enough.

Great dads aren't great on the surface and then horrible behind the scenes. The fact that you describe this unpleasant sounding person as great with the kids and that they adore him is a red flag to me that it's calculated so that he can be seen as better than you while running you down by telling you your parenting is shit compared to his. Prick!

I'm so over these men throwing their weight around like this and making everybody miserable. What grown man describes a 12 year old as a psychopath!

do think you are massively under reacting to your daughter being rude.

I don't understand what she did that was so dreadful or rude. She didn't take his call there can be all sorts of reasons for that. I wouldn't call that rude. Surely everyone declines calls sometimes?
It sounds as though there is more going on here.

Since when has declining a phone call been rude ? Must have missed that memo.

A ringing phone does not have to be answered. Even by a 12 yr old

Is this a joke post OP? If not, obviously leave him immediately, he's a nasty asshole who treats your daughter like a piece of shit (as he does you, but at least you have the ability to leave, which your DD doesn't, so you need to help her by doing it for the both of you).

Since when has declining a phone call been rude ? Must have missed that memo

Right? Welcome to the fully paid up psychopath club, I'll make room on the bench for you.

Wow. Is it that your really judgemental or can't have ur own opinion

The rather eloquent gin poster who is starting the beatification process for the OP's partner.

This is a good post. Declining a phone call could have been because she doesn't like him as much as you think or she can sense that he disapproves of her. Tread carefully if you are being accused of things like being drunk and then manipulated. Keep a record of these instances so you can see if they are happening often. Also, do ask your children if everything is ok and let them know that they can always talk to you. You say they like him, but have you asked them lately?

They are all going to turn into teenagers at some point and he is showing signs of not being able to manage this. I'd get him to read up about how to manage teenagers and what to expect as she wasn't at all rude by their standards. Please watch your back and protect your DC.

I remember very clearly in 1997 watching a documentary about lions, the male wanted to get with a female who had cubs by another male, he won her over by playing with the cubs, then after successfully impregnating her he killed and ate her cubs by the previous male.
Human males are very prone to behaving like this, although the killing & devouring tends to be symbolic. Unless they are very good, decent, 'do the right thing' men they will always prioritize the child that is theirs and crush the others.

Maybe she rejected his call because she doesn't like him, as it certainly sounds like he doesn't like her at all and she's probably picking up on that.

Absolutely would be the end of the road for me too. I couldn’t consider a relationship continuing where the other person thought my child was a psychopath. That’s not like calling your child a brat, ones holding your hands up and agreeing that kids can act crap, the others comparing your child to the likes blooming Norman Baits and Ted Bundy (sorry probably a more appropriate comparison but they’re the only two psychopaths I know of!)

Op has gone - the truth can be painful and facing raising 4 kids alone will be challenging. So dd will be sacrificed in hope the others will be spared sadly ( they won’t as by then dp will be a tyrant if he isn’t already) and op will be too broken by him to leave.

I wouldn't have a man in the house until DS left home. I dont want some idiot disliking my child and telling me what to do either him.
You have a rotten partner who doesn't like your children and you've anchored yourself to him with yet another child. Why?????

Bit melodramatic🤣