Sick of him dragging my child down

[gooddayturnedshit]

I have three children from my previous marriage, aged 12, 9 and 7. DP and I have an 18 month old together and we all now live together as a family of 6.
So today DP calls me on his way back from golf and says he wants to take us all out for lunch. 12 year old is away with a friend the other side of the country, so it'll be the 5 of us.
He gets in the house and asks me if I've heard from DD. I say yes, she called me earlier to ask me to send some money as she's going to a big shopping centre. He says that he missed a call from her and guessed it was about money so called her back. Apparently she declined his call, so he commented that he then knew she must have been sorted out with some spending money. A reasonable thing to say and I thought the conversation would then move on. But no, as usual he wants to talk about how rude she is. I said 'yes, I know. She is rude sometimes but I'm hoping she'll outgrow it'. Then he just starts ranting on at me as per usual about how he thinks she might be a psychopath! I carry on pottering about half listening to this bollocks, and then at some point I comment that all 12 year old girls seem to be a bit rude and entitled at times and mine is no different. She'll realise that she can't get away with it for much longer when it starts hindering her progress in life, blah blah blah. We just need to keep correcting her.
But he won't shut up about how awful she is. He does this all the time, always taking issue with what he perceives to be my lack of discipline. The underlying message seems to be that he thinks I'm a bad mother.

Anyway. I reiterate that all kids can be knobs at times and point out that his nephew is rude to me. He's only 11 but rarely says please or thank you and is pretty entitled. DP shouts at me 'It's not a competition!' I say that I know this, I'm just pointing out that kids are all thoughtless at times and that his nephew was really rude about the last present we bought for him. 'Well maybe he just doesn't like you' he says.

At this point I leave the room. He's an idiot and I can't argue with someone like that. I get myself a cup of tea and go upstairs to try and snap out of the bad mood he's put me in. Ten minutes later he marches in, says am I coming out for lunch or what. I reply that I'm not really feeling like it now, sorry. Then he tells me I'm being horrible to him and asks me if I'm drunk. 🤷‍♀️ Of course I'm not drunk, ffs.
Before he storms off he slags my daughter off again and says something like 'so that's it then, is it? No intervention needed? Because if our little boy ever behaves like she does you better believe I'd do something about it'

I'm so tired of him sweeping in to the house and ranting at me about things, particularly my children not being good enough.

Did I overreact?

facing raising 4 kids alone will be challenging
and thats why he knows he can get away with this bullying behaviour.
He knows that she is trapped between a rock & a hard place, the more he increases the pressure & stress on her the harder it will be for her to think clearly and make good choices. The more he can enjoy the feeling of power & control.
She cant win and he cant lose.
Just as he likes it.

I bet the OPs other 2 kids from previous relationship are boys.

This had gone through my mind when I first read the OP's opening post.

starting on the eldest child is a way of softening up the younger ones, they will see what he does if he's displeased with them and they'll be walking on eggshells

Why is a woman and her ex being abused amusing to you? I have worked in DV for 17 yes and this is precisely how it starts. Contempt and controlling behaviour.

**And her dc not ex

Bingo! He knows exactly what he is doing.

Seems to be a lot of bairns living utterly shit lives on here atm at the hands of stepdads. It's weird.

I like to imagine that more people are aware now of abuse and post more regularly because of that, and hopefully a percentage of them will look to leave and not sow the next cycle of dysfunction and misery for their children and grandchildren to deal with by staying.

Posting is the first step to acknowledging the problem.

The title is telling - this isn’t a one off, op knows it’s wrong and damages her dc. Perhaps irreparably. It may be that she needs support and confidence to build the courage to leave. Or she may stay and her dd will be posting here in less than 10 years deciding whether to go no contact with her mother and SF and in a terrible relationship herself after leaving home too soon, and being vulnerable to predatory abusers not unlike her stepfather.
She may become addicted to drugs or other things to deal with the loss pain and lack of support, meanwhile op will be ground down trying to defend the other children and no doubt one day one of her sons will snap and she will wonder how it got to this.

It is so depressingly predictable.

Actually I haven't gone. I'm here and reading the presumption and general batshittery. It's almost like you can't reconcile that idea that a person can be incredibly flawed and also have everyone's best interests at heart. I've shared with you all one incident but you don't know this man and what he stands for.

Tonight I asked my children if they're happy and what they like about their lives. They love him, as do I. Stop catastrophising shit, you make women not want to talk.

Sorry, OP, you gave one instance, but the title of your thread is "Sick of hIm dragging my child down", which certainly implies that the incident you mentioned is very far from the first one of its kind.

You don’t stay with someone who shouts at you, who follows you around while shouting at you. You especially don’t stay with someone like that when you have kids in the house.

You're putting so much energy into minimising the incident that prompted you to post it’s baffling.

Logan Mwangi’s mother said Logan had a brilliant relationship with his stepfather and step brother too.

You know best OP…. Is there any way your D.C. can live with their birth father? That would probably be in their best interests, even if you don’t realise it.

Lola James’ mother was happy for her beloved boyfriend to take care of her D.C. too. She absolutely trusted him see. Salt of the earth he is.

Absolute scum!!! 🤬 Those poor children 😭 Thrown aside in favour of their mothers latest shag!

There have been many Logan’s and Lola’s lately. Look them up OP. And stop making excuses for the scum YOU chose to bring into your children’s lives!

You said you are sick of your OH dragging your child down. YOU! So do something about it! For your DC’s sake

He's a horrible man who will damage all of your children no doubt.

You did the right thing posting and you were right with the first posts you made. Spot on. When everyone agreed with you, you sprang to his defence. Why?

Your children deserve better
You deserve better
I wonder what he needs to say and do before you wake up to the time bomb that is waiting for you.

You dd should never be called such malicious names. Get past the wording and see his true feelings op, it is lot love you are seeing from him - it is contempt and your child is in the firing line. Please put your kids first.

This was you seeing things for how they are really are, and accepting this isn’t right or an acceptable.

It’s not okay for him to follow you around ranting either - none of this is okay.

Were you in an abusive relationship before?

Why are you with someone that's such a dick to your kid?

OP "It's almost like you can't reconcile that idea that a person can be incredibly flawed and also have everyone's best interests at heart. I've shared with you all one incident but you don't know this man and what he stands for."

In your post you said he is always putting your child / children down - you need to work out what it is, is it an isolated event or is it him always putting your children (& you) down???

No people that are 'often, or always' putting the children down do not have their best interests at heart - they are not his children and if they were I am sure he would be talking about them in a different way. You can express unhappiness without putting people down or suggesting they are mentally unwell (as he did). You can also talk to your partner without trying to batter their confidence - 'are you drunk?'

OP "Tonight I asked my children if they're happy and what they like about their lives. They love him, as do I."
Of course your children will say they like him - they are CHILDREN and their home is you and him, they are in a learned environment and they think that is how 'families are'. They are not formed enough to recognize what emotional abuse is or what passive aggressive comments are, or gaslighting to take their mums confidence away is etc.

OP I think you need to really consider who has the children's best interest at heart here?? Does anyone?

One incident and he's a wonderful man otherwise?
So are you saying you were lying when you said he is always doing these things? When you gave examples? When you said he ranted about her as per usual and said he thinks she's a psychopath as per usual?
When you said that he does this all the time?
When you said you're tired of him saying your children aren't good enough?

Horrible man

And what of the accusation that you were drunk?

Join the club. There'll be plenty more 👍

But he's a lovely man who shouts bullshit abusive things but that's ok because the kids love him.

I've shared with you all one incident but you don't know this man and what he stands for.

And in that one incident there were quite a few red flags that those of us who have experienced abuse recognised. No we don't know your partner but we do recognise patterns of behaviour.

I'm sorry you think it's batshittery and that we're catastrophising. In you saying that I also recognise a behaviour that I was exhibiting whilst in an abusive relationship. Feeling awful in reaction to his behaviour but then he would do something 'nice' and I'd end up believing everything was alright again. I loved my husband too, that didn't mean he wasn't abusing me. Him and his behaviours were constantly in my thoughts, I didn't have the headspace to see them for what they were. That is intentional.

I genuinely hope that we who were concerned that your partner is abusive are wrong and that all will be well for you and your family. But please, don't ever be put off talking if you need to (the Relationships board is generally a bit less dramatic)

We don't know this man and what he stands for - oh wow, so now we're all batshit and he's suddenly the worlds best dad, yay!

Ok then.

Minimise as you see fit.

Remember though, he thinks your daughter is a psycho.

She deserves better, but she's stuck with him until someone puts her first isn't she.

Good luck.

You're going to need it.