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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

254 replies

Mountainshills · 30/05/2023 23:20

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 30/05/2023 23:25

A was shabby. She should have told you about the change of plans. Not cool.

was your text aggressive?

Vanillalime · 30/05/2023 23:26

No, I would not be issuing any apology to A.

FirstFallopians · 30/05/2023 23:26

Nah I’d be furious too, and the fact her mother has waded in to try and smooth over things doesn’t say much about her maturity levels either.

I’d hazard a guess your text was the first time she’s ever actually been challenged for being selfish and unreliable.

Awrite · 30/05/2023 23:27

I would not be happy about A's behaviour at all. It seems your instincts were right all along.

I would not leave my children with either A or B ever again.

Neither have apologised to you presumably?

Trust your judgement here.

growgrowinggrown · 30/05/2023 23:27

Id be really pissed off at that, she'd committed to babysitting so unfortunately has to turn her friends invitation down.
Clearly not someone you can trust to make good decisions for your children and she wouldn't be left alone with them again.
If asked why I'd be truthful about it too.

ZekeZeke · 30/05/2023 23:28

These conversations need to happen in person or on the phone. Not by text.

Atticus999 · 30/05/2023 23:30

I’d be livid! Someone will be along shortly to tell you chill out and that nothing bad happened … but it sounds like the children weren’t adequately cared for whilst you were at work. I’d not apologise and I’d probably have minimal contact for a while !

Callyem · 30/05/2023 23:30

I'd be annoyed at the lack of communication as much as anything. You arrived home to no children, no note and she didn't answer her phone. It just isn't on. Then getting her mum to reply to you instead of having the balls to reply herself. I'd not be issuing any apology.

Lidlpopdrinker · 30/05/2023 23:30

God, no, you under reacted. I can’t believe you actually paid her. Christ on a bike, what a brat A is.

Unicorn2022 · 30/05/2023 23:31

No way would I be apologising! I'd still be livid!

yummumto3girls · 30/05/2023 23:31

I would be very annoyed as well, a poor decision from A and endorsed by her mum who should have made her stick to her commitment to babysit. I would not be apologising and would not be using her again.

goldenlocks · 30/05/2023 23:31

Yabu is an adult and this is a good lesson about responsibility.

goldenlocks · 30/05/2023 23:32

*YABU, A is an adult....

FirstFallopians · 30/05/2023 23:32

Lidlpopdrinker · 30/05/2023 23:30

God, no, you under reacted. I can’t believe you actually paid her. Christ on a bike, what a brat A is.

Actually good point.

Did you pay her for the full day as agreed when she bunked off 2.5 hours early?

CC4712 · 30/05/2023 23:33

A agreed to do a paid job- yet decided to go off with friends to the beach and left your children with someone else! If she was in any other work setting- this would see disciplinary action!

Absolutely NO apology from you needed- and never leave the kids with either A or B again- they have burnt that bridge!

Allinadayswork80 · 30/05/2023 23:36

I’d be very annoyed. That was not the agreement. And for you to have to go searching for your children with no message from A or B is extremely unkind and unacceptable. She managed to message you asking when you’d be back but not to say she had changed the arrangement and was taking your children to B’s?! Do not apologise.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/05/2023 23:38

No apology and I wouldn't have paid. A has behaved really badly, she put your DC at risk so she could go to the beach. I don't GAF where she was walking in relation to my DC, she took them on an unsafe route and anything could have happened. B has also behaved badly. I'd be having my own words with A if I was B, not having words with you.

CastleTurrets · 30/05/2023 23:38

Judge people by their behaviour. NEVER allow A to watch your children again and be crystal clear as to why if she ever asks.

Ultimately she put the safety of your children at risk for her own enjoyment with friends at the beach. I'd maybe have a bit of compassion if she won a competition to see her idol backstage but....the beach? SERIOUSLY?

Entitled spoilt brat who will always put her needs before anyone else. Not the sort of person you want looking after your children!

FirstFallopians · 30/05/2023 23:39

Can’t wait to send a Teams message to my boss at 11am tomorrow to tell her I’m heading to the beach with my pals 😎

Eastie77Returns · 30/05/2023 23:39

A 19 year old should know better. She is irresponsible, dragging your DC from pillar to post, and her mother is enabling her. Do not apologise!

Reminds me of a friend who offered to look after my then 2 year old DD at her house as I had a job interview. When I dropped DD off, friend was nowhere to be seen but I was greeted by her elderly mother who told me she’d be looking after DD instead. My friend decided to go to the gym instead of babysitting ffs. I’d never met the mother before before my friend had told me previously she was an alcoholic with violent mood swings. Needless to say I missed the job interview.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/05/2023 23:39

Hang on, B thinks that you should apologise to A? Is she crazy? I would be absolutely incandescent at this. If either one of them had said something, it would be different but for you to not know where your own children were, that's terrible.

BreviloquentBastard · 30/05/2023 23:39

I wouldn't have even paid her. I'd have hit the roof if someone did this with my kid, especially the coming home to an empty house and zero communication from her about where your children were. Her mum's a drip as well for letting her do it, she should have insisted she stick to her commitment, she's not going to do well in the working world with that attitude.

I wouldn't apologise and I'd probably have a few choice words for the mother as well.

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 23:39

She owes you an apology, not the other way round. She didn’t do what you were paying her to do, then when you found the house empty and tried to contact her she was uncontactable. The mother is out of order too, saying you spoilt her daughter’s evening!
Paid babysitting is work, and you do the job you’re being paid for, not skip off to go to a party.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/05/2023 23:42

Also they both knew you were due home at 3:30. Not even texting you just before your due home so you don't worry really compounds the bad behaviour. A's behaviour was derelict and irresponsible all the way round, she didn't one thing right.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/05/2023 23:42

No apology required at all. A behaved like an idiot. Busy road, no fucking helmets or safety gear? Christ. She was absolutely desperate to dump your kids on her mum and piss off to party.

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