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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

254 replies

Mountainshills · 30/05/2023 23:20

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
SparklyBlackKitten · 31/05/2023 01:48

This shouldn't have been a text

You should have called or seen her in person

A was soooo wrong
I would have been epically disappointed and soooo angry.... with the mum too

SparklyBlackKitten · 31/05/2023 01:48

Don't apologise.
But talk to her in person

Zarataralara · 31/05/2023 01:48

Lidlpopdrinker · 30/05/2023 23:30

God, no, you under reacted. I can’t believe you actually paid her. Christ on a bike, what a brat A is.

This.
No way would I have paid her.
She behaved more like a 14 year old, not an adult.

MysteryBelle · 31/05/2023 02:14

A and B are idiots and asses extraordinaire.

They owe you a giant apology.

You are being far too nice. Stop it!

MysteryBelle · 31/05/2023 02:15

You paid her?!

Op, why in hades did you do that???

Remaker · 31/05/2023 02:34

My DD is 16 and I would never take over for her babysitting jobs unless there was a genuine medical emergency. And she would never ask me to!

Your cousin’s DD is immature and entitled and her mother is enabling her. I absolutely would not be apologising.

RunningUpThatMill · 31/05/2023 02:38

A is an irresponsible arse who actually sounds like she is 15, rather than 19. B is even worse.

NumberTheory · 31/05/2023 03:12

I think this depends a bit on whether you were paying A a bit of a thank you for doing you a massive favour when you were desperate for someone to look after your kids, or whether you were paying A the going rate for a day nanny and she really wanted the work.

I agree with previous poster that your kids were reasonably looked after. They didn’t have the best day but they were safe (helmets for scooters when scooting along a pavement or road are good practice for always wearing helmets with wheels, but aren’t really anymore necessary than if they were just walking along from a safety perspective) and were with her or someone you are normally comfortable with looking after them. I would be a little concerned about B being unable to drive because she was drinking with friends - that could cover a range of scenarios, some of which I would not be happy with, but you haven’t mentioned that so I’m assuming you were okay with that aspect of it.

So if it was a massive favour, I wouldn’t be having a go and I’d text to apologise and try and never be in the position to need to ask again, because A is clearly not ideal. However, if it was a service I’d paid the going rate for, I wouldn’t be apologising. While I’d be tempted to respond to B’s text with a bit of a rant, this is family and that’s not a great long term move, so I’d probably go with a more moderate “I’m sorry you feel that way, I don’t think my text to A was unwarranted.”.

BadNomad · 31/05/2023 03:16

At what point were either of them planning to tell you where your kids were?

Tourmalines · 31/05/2023 04:25

She’s a cf . No apology needed from your side . She shirked her responsibilities and got mummy to help her out. She sounds like a very immature 19-year-old . Her mother is to blame also .

momonpurpose · 31/05/2023 04:49

Do not apologize! A and B should be apologizing not you. Both are old enough to know better

LAMPS1 · 31/05/2023 05:06

The cavalier attitude of A towards your children and their welfare and towards you is totally irresponsible and unacceptable. Coming home and not knowing where they were must have been a real shock especially when A wasn’t responding to your texts and calls. How dare she swan off to the beach when she had an agreement with you.
The entitled arrogance of B in in telling you to apologise to A for upsetting her would have been the point where I knew for sure not only to never to trust either of them again, but that I wouldn’t want to ever have to see or speak or breathe the same air as them again either.
You were not overacting and no you definitely have nothing to apologise for. You kept your end of the bargain by paying what you agreed which means you can firmly put them and their half baked judgement behind you.
I don’t blame you for being very upset about this. It was a very sobering incident, not easily forgotten but thank goodness your children came to no harm and are safely back home.

Hellenabe · 31/05/2023 05:09

I'd have paid as its family but not used her again and explained that what happened wasn't the agreement.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 31/05/2023 05:15

You gave A a chance and she blew it.

It really is that simple. No apologies by you required.

barmycatmum · 31/05/2023 05:21

No apology to A. I’d be livid. 19 is old enough to learn to keep one’s word and honor an agreement.
A sounds like a spoilt brat. I would not trust her with anything in the future.

AverageJoan · 31/05/2023 05:24

BadNomad · 31/05/2023 03:16

At what point were either of them planning to tell you where your kids were?

This was my first thought too. No way I'd be apologising to either.

silverfullmoon · 31/05/2023 05:31

Lidlpopdrinker · 30/05/2023 23:30

God, no, you under reacted. I can’t believe you actually paid her. Christ on a bike, what a brat A is.

THIS. Absolutely do not apologise. She made a commitment to babysit your children and then palmed them off on her mum the moment she got a better offer. NO. Just no. She's an irresponsible idiot and I'd never let her babysit again. She should be apologising to you FFS

TooManyMeetings · 31/05/2023 05:33

My 18 and 20 year olds would never do this. It’s so damn rude. You don’t desert your ‘job’ like that because you fancy popping out with friends. I am angry for you. Don’t apologise.

FilthyforFirth · 31/05/2023 05:38

I would not have paid her a penny. A is beyond ridiculous and her mother is an enabling arse. Most definitely do not apologise. They both owe you one.

Like hell would these people be round my kids without me again. Shocking behaviour.

MusicLass · 31/05/2023 05:38

I would be cross too. However, I think you also need to consider that they are your relatives who you will presumably have to have lifelong relationship with, so some repair from you may be a good idea.

I think I would apologise for sending a text in the heat of the moment and say it was the part about the road and helmets that upset you the most. You trust that your cousin was looking after them.

Then never ask her to babysit again. Really poor.

TooManyMeetings · 31/05/2023 05:39

I would focus on the lack of communication. At their age the kids could manage the journey without helmets really and cope with your cousin having people there they don’t know.

I would be really cross that the young woman left her role and took your kids somewhere and didn’t even tell you. That is the really bad bit of this story.

TooManyMeetings · 31/05/2023 05:40

And A needs to apologise herself! I cannot believe B has not told her this.

user1492757084 · 31/05/2023 05:43

I agree that you need to talk not text to your niece.
Your tone of voice is important. She needs to hear disappointment and worry, not anger.
You need to clarify what it was that is expected when engaged for childcare - the importance of trust and communication.
Because she is family I would make sure she was okay but not apologise.
Don't employ her again but she will always be family.

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 31/05/2023 06:03

YANBU.

This is pretty shocking, to say the least. The walking by/on the busy road with my babies would have sent me 😡

I don’t understand why some parents insist on instilling this selfish, entitled attitude in their children.

B should have told A that she (A) had made a commitment to you to watch your children and needs to honour that. That would be a much more valuable life lesson for A, than learning that her needs and wants come first and it’s perfectly acceptable to let people down.

Well done for holding A accountable for her poor decision making. You’re doing a lot more for her than her mother is. A will struggle in the real world where she will have to do things she doesn’t want to do - like a boring piece of work for her employer.

Fair enough for paying A as well, you didn’t escalate the issue by not paying her and you kept your side of the agreement. The money really doesn't matter in all of this. Clearly, she won't be getting a penny from you ever again for "babysitting".

I don’t understand why they couldn’t have messaged you to let you know of the change of childcare plans. Another show of a lack of respect for you.

Please stand your ground on this. Do not apologise to A. That would be such a detrimental thing to do for yourself, it would niggle away at you, and also you wouldn’t be doing A any favours (not that I’m particularly fussed about her tbh).

Let us know how you get on with this?

Bbqshowdownusa · 31/05/2023 06:09

You under reacted as far as I’m concerned.

I would of been livid and I wouldn’t of paid the full amount either.