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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

254 replies

Mountainshills · 30/05/2023 23:20

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 01/06/2023 20:54

A is immature and irresponsible. She should have at the very least kept you informed about where your children were. She’s blown her own and only chance.

Blogswife · 01/06/2023 21:47

No YANBU. You employed A to do a job for you not B. A showed no regard for her commitments to you , she should have kept you informed and had no right to change your DC childcare arrangements without consulting you
I would be expecting an apology from her - she is an adult and her mother shouldn’t be fighting her battles or making excuses for her negligence

Redragtoabull · 01/06/2023 22:05

No, no and err no! Stay away from A and her mother where the kids are concerned, however, by the way the pressure is on you to apologise to A, I'd stay away permanently as she also thinks this is acceptable behaviour, it really is not! She had one job for 6 hours and couldn't even do that! Definitely not fit to look after children.

NumberTheory · 01/06/2023 22:11

FlipFlopVibe · 01/06/2023 19:50

If £42 was for 6.5hrs I actually don’t think that’s bad for babysitting at 19. I know qualified childminders who only charge £5ph or £35 for a full day (and that’s 7:30-5!)

Regardless of the actual rate, I wouldn’t have paid the full amount. You paid for her to look after your children in your home and she didn’t do that. I’d be so annoyed at the lack of communication, it must have been a bit frightening to not know where they all were when you got home

OP was paying £3.50/hour/child. That's 70% of the rate you quote. (And she wasn't engaged as a childminder - with a setup where she could take on other children to increase income).

azlazee1 · 01/06/2023 22:16

I don't really understand the extent of the upset. Your children were never left alone, were always in the care of people they knew and the girl's parent had taken care of them in the past. They should have informed you of the switch so you'd know where they were, I understand that being a worry.

BaconChops · 01/06/2023 22:21

Nope, she should have honoured her plans irrespective of the alternative offers.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 01/06/2023 22:49

A really fucked up. Your cousin can get in the fucking bin if she thinks ^you* should apologise.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 01/06/2023 22:50

azlazee1 · 01/06/2023 22:16

I don't really understand the extent of the upset. Your children were never left alone, were always in the care of people they knew and the girl's parent had taken care of them in the past. They should have informed you of the switch so you'd know where they were, I understand that being a worry.

If the OP hadn’t pursued it, when would she have found out where her children were?! The total lack of communication from A was abysmal. Forgetting that she dumped them elsewhere to go to the beach.

ReallyTryingTo · 01/06/2023 23:05

You aren't overreacting. A had responsibilities and she failed to do what she was supposed to.
Your kids shouldn't have been moved from pillar to post.

Pinkfluff76 · 01/06/2023 23:07

Holy crap I’d be fuming and definitely not apologising. I wouldn’t have paid her til 3:30 though!

Elle2018 · 01/06/2023 23:25

A should not have gone out, she had already committed to babysitting. You've done nothing wrong OP, I wouldn't apologise and I wouldn't ask A to babysit again.

Freckles978 · 02/06/2023 00:00

She is a teenager, and obviously does not know how the world works.

You did the right thing, and should not apologise.

These are your children, and have all the right to know what was happening. Now they know they have no jobs anymore as babysitters with yourself.

Ukrainebaby23 · 02/06/2023 02:53

A Did the wrong thing, if u want or need to have a relationship with A and B, I would text or message something like this.

I was very upset you took DC to B without letting me know. I realise you thought you were being considerate not bothering me but I don't think it was the right way to deal with the situation. Imo u should have ......

I won't be asking you to sit for DC again but this is the end of the matter and we can just forget about it now.
I would copy it to B and then move on.

Toomuchfun · 02/06/2023 07:00

I would not be apologising at all. You had no idea where your children were and she stopped answeringher phone. I PERSONALLY would be upset she left children with someone who has been drinking. I think she needs a wake up call about responsibility.

londonrach · 02/06/2023 07:10

Yabu. I'd be furious. A was babysitting and shouldn't have gone off to the beach even if she got her mum to help and certainly not taken them to another location. No way ever let a babysit again

Yerroblemom1923 · 02/06/2023 07:12

I think, for me, the main issue is lack of communication. She should've told you her plans had changed and she was taking your children to her mums. That way you would've known where they were (that would've been my biggest concern when returning home and them not being there and not being able to contact A)and knew they were safe. At 10 and 8 I'm sure they don't need a lot of looking after anyway and sure they enjoyed themselves at the garden party.

piedbeauty · 02/06/2023 07:40

I'd only have paid A for half the day.

She behaved really badly - dishonest, shabby, lack of safety with the no helmets, and now she's crying because you've called her out on it?

She let you down.

Aprilx · 02/06/2023 07:49

Mountainshills · 31/05/2023 06:25

Wouldn't consider it a favour.
I didn't mention to her that I was desperate for someone to babysit. I simply asked if she still wanted to babysit and was she available to babysit the following day.
When discussing the fee, she said she usually charges £3.50 per child per hour for babysitting gigs. For 6 hours, for both DC, that's £42 and that's exactly how much I paid her. I'm not sure what the 'going rate' is for babysitters, but I know the national minimum wage for 19 year olds is £7.49ph and I was paying her 49p less.

Show quote history

I don’t think you should have paid her, she didn’t do the job.

I am not so worked up about the dangers of walking on a road per se, I think a 19 year old can handle that, but she should not have been taking them anywhere without your express permission.

I used to babysit a lot, from a much younger age, about 13 in fact (this was the 80s and I was sensible and reliable) and I would never in a million years have walked off the job like that. I would not be using either of these two again, I am not even sure I could bring myself to speak to them again.

Nordicrain · 02/06/2023 07:53

YANBU to be annoyed about the change of plans. I would not apologise and would not use her again.

BUT a half hour walk and being at a house with other adults isn't the end of the world. I would focus on being annoyed at the main issue (A flaking on her commitment to babysit and lying about leaving).

LookItsMeAgain · 02/06/2023 08:10

@Mountainshills - have either A or B been in touch with you since their last communication?
Have you decided what to do if/when they do get in touch?

FlipFlopVibe · 02/06/2023 08:37

NumberTheory · 01/06/2023 22:11

OP was paying £3.50/hour/child. That's 70% of the rate you quote. (And she wasn't engaged as a childminder - with a setup where she could take on other children to increase income).

Show quote history

I didn’t say it was the same cost, I’m saying at 19 as a side job on her free days it sounds like she got a decent deal and she agreed to it. The fact of the matter is, she didn’t provide the service she agreed to for her fee therefore I don’t believe she should have paid her the full amount

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 02/06/2023 15:28

I'd stopped babysitting by the time I was 19, but I was babysitting my own sister from 11/12 and for friends of the family from 13.

At 13, I wouldn't have done what your cousin did!

Her age has nothing to do with it, it's all about her attitude.

NumberTheory · 03/06/2023 03:06

FlipFlopVibe · 02/06/2023 08:37

I didn’t say it was the same cost, I’m saying at 19 as a side job on her free days it sounds like she got a decent deal and she agreed to it. The fact of the matter is, she didn’t provide the service she agreed to for her fee therefore I don’t believe she should have paid her the full amount

Show quote history

It think as a side job or not, it’s a terrible amount for the work involved. And if you are prepared to leave your kids with someone and pay them less than someone on a zero hours contract at a fast food joint would get, it shouldn’t surprise you if they aren’t that committed. That a 19 year old with little experience would agree to it is more a testament to her inexperience or desperation and then an indicator that the agreement was reasonable. That is, after all, why we have things like minimum wage and statutory rights.

But I agree the OP could reasonably have argued for not paying her the full amount.

NumberTheory · 03/06/2023 03:09

* and then than

FlipFlopVibe · 03/06/2023 17:20

She’s a family member doing each other a favour in her spare time. She won’t be declaring her tax returns or trying to build a pension on it. It was an agreed amount that the teenager suggested