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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

254 replies

Mountainshills · 30/05/2023 23:20

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 30/05/2023 23:43

FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 23:39

She owes you an apology, not the other way round. She didn’t do what you were paying her to do, then when you found the house empty and tried to contact her she was uncontactable. The mother is out of order too, saying you spoilt her daughter’s evening!
Paid babysitting is work, and you do the job you’re being paid for, not skip off to go to a party.

I agree with this.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/05/2023 23:44

I would be furious. She bunked off when you were paying her to babysit, and not in an emergency, she took your dc out on an unsafe route and not using safety equipment, and no one thought to tell you where your dc were.

Her and her mother are both idiots if they thought this was ok.

I think I'd have to reply with "I am still very angry about my dc being put in danger when A was responsible for them. A had no right to take them along an unsafe route without helmets when she had agreed to babysit, and had taken money for this."

Toomanypots · 30/05/2023 23:46

I can’t believe you paid her too.

I’d be livid. The only apology needed here is from A for her irresponsible selfish and immature actions.

Boomboom22 · 30/05/2023 23:46

OK she shouldn't have but the kids are 10 and 8 now so I think the 30 minute walk is fine. They are not toddlers or even 6 and 4 anymore.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 30/05/2023 23:47

If I'm right DC are 10 and 8. Old enough to entertain themselves in B's garden

But the lack of communication is a massive issue. No asking if it was OK to take the DC somewhere else, no letting you know what was going on, no response when you were frantically calling her....

Ye you don't owe an apology at all.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2023 23:47

A 'didnt want to stress you out at work by changing plans'...so she changed them anyway just didnt tell you and then went out of contact. Basically she knew youd be pissed off which is why she didnt say anything. If she thought youd have been fine with it she would have mentioned it. How did your kids feel about the afternoon they had vs the afternoon they were expecting? The only thing I'd apologise for is if I'd sworn in a message or something. I wouldnt apologise for explaining how you felt and why, that's completely reasonable

Wantosleep39 · 30/05/2023 23:49

I wouldn’t apologise. It’s your first job to protect your children and you have every right to be angry to her. I would be fuming to A and really terrified by her irresponsible behaviour. If you could afford get proper babysitter who has DBS checked and first aid certificate and references. Your children will be safer.

Blossomtoes · 30/05/2023 23:49

Boomboom22 · 30/05/2023 23:46

OK she shouldn't have but the kids are 10 and 8 now so I think the 30 minute walk is fine. They are not toddlers or even 6 and 4 anymore.

This. The thing that would really piss me off would be coming home and not knowing where the kids were and who was looking after them. The 30 minute walk is fine, so is playing in the garden.

Lidlpopdrinker · 30/05/2023 23:49

FirstFallopians · 30/05/2023 23:39

Can’t wait to send a Teams message to my boss at 11am tomorrow to tell her I’m heading to the beach with my pals 😎

No, you don’t tell your boss, you just fuck off without saying a word and ignore when they try to call. You rely on your emergency contact to tell them where you are when they inevitably call to find out where the hell you’ve got to and check that you’re safe and not dead in a ditch somewhere. You then get your emergency contact to send your boss a message saying how sad they’ve made you and how they should apologize to you for ruining your time.

FirstFallopians · 30/05/2023 23:52

Lidlpopdrinker · 30/05/2023 23:49

No, you don’t tell your boss, you just fuck off without saying a word and ignore when they try to call. You rely on your emergency contact to tell them where you are when they inevitably call to find out where the hell you’ve got to and check that you’re safe and not dead in a ditch somewhere. You then get your emergency contact to send your boss a message saying how sad they’ve made you and how they should apologize to you for ruining your time.

Show quote history

Sounds like a solid plan, Lidl. I foresee exactly zero consequences for my actions.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 30/05/2023 23:53

Looks like you have absolutely no reason to worry about being unreasonable OP, we all appear to agree with you, and some, including me, wouldn't even have paid A, after letting you down like that. Absolutely appalling behaviour, and the fact that her mother has condoned it, and expects you to apologise, shows exactly why she thought she could get away with it. Obviously B has always let her have her own way, and now she's found that she can't get away with changing the plans, when she's made a commitment to someone, and they no longer suit her, she's feeling hard done by. Well tough! She clearly needed to learn this lesson before joining the working world, just a shame you had to suffer the stress of not knowing where she or your kids had disappeared to. I'd have been having kittens if I got home, and my kids and babysitter had disappeared with no message.

TheHandmaiden · 30/05/2023 23:54

A is an irresponsible idiot. You are not unreasonable.

TheHandmaiden · 30/05/2023 23:56

Btw I imagine some of this is motivated by the fact that if you tell anyone else of this mess, A's babysitting business is toast. Do not apologise.

Theunamedcat · 30/05/2023 23:58

I might reply with the helmets were right next to the scooters but that's beside the point what's obvious is A is not mature enough to take care of the children unsupervised and owes me an apology for making me worry and not even having the decency to tell me where my children were im appalled that you think how she behaved was in any way "ok" I paid her because she is family not because she earned the money

Original poster
Mountainshills · 30/05/2023 23:59

Bunce1 · 30/05/2023 23:25

A was shabby. She should have told you about the change of plans. Not cool.

was your text aggressive?

Not aggressive, I don't think it was.

I said I left the money with her DM. I wished she would have told me the DC were at her house because I was very worried when I couldn't get a hold of her and had no idea where they were. I reminded her she had my work and mobile phone number so she could have easily contacted me. I said the road to her house was unsafe route, especially with scooters without proper safety gear. And if she had contacted me, I could have asked someone of my choosing to come to the house to take care of my DC if she really wanted to go to the beach. Contained no swearing, etc.

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 30/05/2023 23:59

Your reaction was appropriate. And clearly A screened your text and calls, if she received your later text expressing your upset. That alone is unacceptable from a babysitter. B has obviously decided to wade in out of defensiveness, rather than accept her daughter bailed on her responsibility.

FWIW I too would have paid (keeping up your end of the bargain) and done as you did, texting to explain your position. She should apologise (and offer to return half the money, but I wouldn’t see that as the big issue here.)

NoSquirrels · 30/05/2023 23:59

No, of course you didn’t overreact.

You agreed to pay someone to care for your children in your home for 6 hours.

They did at the most 4 hours (30 minutes of which was - in your view - unsafe travel) and then handed your children to someone else in a different place.

You paid them the whole fee but expressed your dissatisfaction, and they got someone else to speak to you to tell you that you’re wrong.

Fuck. That.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/05/2023 23:59

I would be incandescent. The both of them can fuck right off and I would tell them so. I can't believe you actually paid that idiot.

TheHoover · 31/05/2023 00:01

You have not overreacted.
I can’t believe B is encouraging and defending her daughter’s abject flakiness.
Reliability is one of the most important traits needed by any employee especially a babysitter. So never again and bollocks to B

Fairymother · 31/05/2023 00:03

Other than the helmets i think its not so bad tbh. She wanted to leave and left them with someone they and you know well.
Im not sure but from your post is sounds like your children are 8 years or more now? If thats the case they should remember their own helmets and know where to find them.
But she obviously shouldnt have let them take the scooters without, that was quite dangerous. I would have spoken to her about that, the rest is fine.

Original poster
Mountainshills · 31/05/2023 00:03

FirstFallopians · 30/05/2023 23:32

Actually good point.

Did you pay her for the full day as agreed when she bunked off 2.5 hours early?

Show quote history

Paid every penny I owed. I know that I probably shouldn't given it all, but I was just so upset and angry, I just handed the cash over and took the DC home.

OP posts:
HaveSomeIntrospect · 31/05/2023 00:03

I wouldn’t have messaged A. Just never let her babysit again.
Lesson learned

NoSquirrels · 31/05/2023 00:04

Any babysitter who would ditch the commitment to get to the beach 3 hours earlier than they might otherwise isn’t anyone you’d want watching your children, even if it was free, even if they were paying you.

FictionalCharacter · 31/05/2023 00:08

Fairymother · 31/05/2023 00:03

Other than the helmets i think its not so bad tbh. She wanted to leave and left them with someone they and you know well.
Im not sure but from your post is sounds like your children are 8 years or more now? If thats the case they should remember their own helmets and know where to find them.
But she obviously shouldnt have let them take the scooters without, that was quite dangerous. I would have spoken to her about that, the rest is fine.

Yes, she wanted to leave, but she wasn’t free to leave, because she was being paid to babysit. She was doing paid work. Just because she’s family doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to do the job that has been agreed and that she’s being paid for.

Haywirecity · 31/05/2023 00:11

Everyone's alive so I wouldn't be furious. But I would be telling her off, in person and not by text, how that's not how you expect her to behave when she's being paid to do a job. And her services won't be required again.
Then I'd be getting her mum on the phone and telling her off for her ridiculous excuses and expecting me to apologise.
And then that would be the matter over as far as I was concerned.

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