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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask whether or not I was overreacting and if I should apologise?

254 replies

Mountainshills · 30/05/2023 23:20

NC for this, and I apologise for the long post, but I want to give as much detail and not drip feed.

My cousin's DD (A) has been offering to babysit for me since she was 15. My DC were only 6 and 4 when A was 15, and I felt it was a lot of responsibility for someone her age.

I had to work yesterday (10am until 3pm) and my DM was supposed to care for my DC but she's been poorly over the weekend and still didn't feel well enough to still take my DC by Sunday afternoon, so I thought I'd finally give A a chance.

A is now 19, has ample experience babysitting her nieces and nephews, and she knows my DC pretty well. We agreed on a fee and a time (9.30am until 3.30pm).

Around midday (while she was babysitting yesterday), I got a text from A. She said she just wanted to double check what time I'd be arriving home. I confirmed I would be back by 3.30pm at the latest and asked if everything was OK. She said everything was fine.

I ended up arriving home earlier than planned (just after 3 p.m.) to an empty house. I assumed they'd gone for a walk. I sent A a text to let her know I was home early. She didn't reply, but I thought nothing of it.

They still weren't back by 3.40pm, so I called A. Phone rings until I get her voicemail . Thought she may have not heard her phone, so I waited a few minutes and tried again. I tried her phone 4 times in total and never got an answer.

In the end, I called her DM, my cousin (B). I asked her if she knew where A and the DC were as I was worried, and B told me the DC were fine and they were at her house. Asked her what they were doing there and she tells me that A's friends had rang her and said they were off to the beach and A really wanted to accompany them so she'd asked her DM to come to my house to finish babysitting my DC. B couldn't come to my house as she had friends over for lunch. A then asked B to come and pick up my DC, but B couldn't as she'd had a couple of glasses of wine, so A decided to walk my DC to her house.

A and B live a good 30 minute walk away and the majority of the walk is next to a busy main road and not all of it is pavement, there's a few bits where it's, just, well, road. Not only that, they were on their scooters, no helmets, elbow, knee pads, etc.

A left the DC with her DM and went to the beach. They arrived just after 1pm, which meant they started their journey not long after A had texted asking when I'd be finishing work. DC were then left to entrainment themselves in Bs garden while B was hosting few of her friends (they were also in the garden). They were all people my DC had never met, and I barely know. I went to pick up my DC, handed B the money I owed A, and promptly left.

I sent A a text last night telling her I was really upset and felt let down by her decisions she made regarding my DC and that she should have let Me know she no longer wanted to babysit so I could have made my own childcare arrangements for the DC. I didn't get a reply from A, but I did get a reply for B earlier today.

B said A was really upset after receiving my text and, apparently, I'd spoilt A's evening. B went on to say I was overreacting, and that A simply didn't want to stress me out while at work by changing plans and thought she was doing the right thing by taking my DC to her house so she could care for them. B said my DC was safe with her and that I'd always been happy for her babysit for me in the past , so why was it suddenly an issue . She said A was a sensible girl, and she'd walked slowly with the DC along the main road, and she walked by their side so A was closer to the road than the DC were. And the reason they weren't wearing helmets is because she couldn't find them (they were on a shelf right next to the scooters) and B finished the message by telling me she'd really appreciate if I send A a text apologising for the hurtful things I'd said.

I don't know whether or not I did overreact. I haven't replied to B's text yet. I'm not sure if I should stand my ground or apologise to A. I've just been sitting at home not knowing how to proceed with the situation. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 31/05/2023 00:13

Your reply can be “Don’t be ridiculous. A should be apologising to me.”

Job done.

Maddy70 · 31/05/2023 00:17

Hmm. She left them with family that you trust. As she had okabs later. She should 💯 have informed you and asked was it ok BUT I would fail to get upset that she left them with trusted people also wouldn't leave them again with her

User478 · 31/05/2023 00:18

I'm a nanny, if I left my charges with my mum so I could hang out with my mates I would be fired on the spot.

I think A is lucky you didn't call the police when you got home to an empty house and no response from A's phone.

8 and 10 year olds know where their helmets are so she just couldn't be bothered to even look/ask.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/05/2023 00:19

It had nothing to do with not wanting to stress you at work Op, she knew you'd be annoyed at her so didn't call you. She's very immature for a 19 year old, she bunks off to see her friends when she's working and then hides behind Mummy rather than tell you herself. If anyone asks about using her as a babysitter I'd tell them she's unreliable

Original poster
Mountainshills · 31/05/2023 00:21

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2023 23:47

A 'didnt want to stress you out at work by changing plans'...so she changed them anyway just didnt tell you and then went out of contact. Basically she knew youd be pissed off which is why she didnt say anything. If she thought youd have been fine with it she would have mentioned it. How did your kids feel about the afternoon they had vs the afternoon they were expecting? The only thing I'd apologise for is if I'd sworn in a message or something. I wouldnt apologise for explaining how you felt and why, that's completely reasonable

DC just complained that their day was really boring.
A initially told them she was going to take them to the skate park with their scooters, and then she told them they were going to see B instead and told them they could still take their scooters with them if they wanted too. They were given an Ipad to play with by B and they had their scooters, but they had to play 'quietly'

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 31/05/2023 00:23

Suppose it depends on you text message you sent her, and what hurtful things you said

Ellmau · 31/05/2023 00:25

You shouldn't have paid her for a job she din't do, and I wouldn't ask her or her DM again.

Danikm151 · 31/05/2023 00:25

She owes you the biggest apology and half the money back.

your sister is out of order for trying to guilt trip and turn it around on you.

Cakeorchocolate · 31/05/2023 00:30

They owe you an apology not the other way around.

She shouldn't have committed to a day babysitting if she wasn't prepared to turn down any potential invites.

Even when she decided she wanted to go out she could have asked you if you would mind her DM watching the kids for the rest of the day and let you know you would need to pick them up.

Definitely out of order with taking them along a busy road too.

SarahDippity · 31/05/2023 00:38

Hankunamatata · 31/05/2023 00:23

Suppose it depends on you text message you sent her, and what hurtful things you said

See OP’s post at 23:59

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 31/05/2023 00:41

You shouldn't have handed a penny over. I cant believe she let kids scoot on a road with no pavement! Do not apologise and never ask again. WTF is with these 18+ adults incapable of adulting? I was babysitting at 13 and had more common sense.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 31/05/2023 00:44

A & B are both idiots. Spoilt A's evening, so you should apologise? Oh no.

Peachy2005 · 31/05/2023 00:48

Previous posters don’t seem to have mentioned that B had been drinking: I assume you might not normally be expecting whoever ended up minding your children to be over the limit to drive…

pizzaHeart · 31/05/2023 00:48

User478 · 31/05/2023 00:18

I'm a nanny, if I left my charges with my mum so I could hang out with my mates I would be fired on the spot.

I think A is lucky you didn't call the police when you got home to an empty house and no response from A's phone.

8 and 10 year olds know where their helmets are so she just couldn't be bothered to even look/ask.

This ^ 100%
cant believe you paid her!

TheMeaningOfLife · 31/05/2023 01:02

If this girl isn’t mature enough to have a conversation with you following your text she isn’t mature to be babysitting. Her decisions were way off. I would tell your cousin that if she wants to treat her daughter like a child by speaking on her behalf then you are sure she will understand that you would prefer to have a babysitter who doesn’t need her mum to talk for her in the future,

Thisisabsolutelyfine · 31/05/2023 01:05

I would be annoyed at the lack of communication, but this isn’t a nanny, it’s a relative, who took your children to another (trusted) relative. A family arrangement involving trusted adults, so I would expected things to be more casual. Sounds like she was trying not to stress you out but she made a bad call, partly because she’s 19.

The walking is fine, your kids are more than old enough for a 30 min walk near a road, the fact that they were a bit bored is fine, the fact that they had to play abit more quietly also fine.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/05/2023 01:10

You have nothing to apologise for. A fucked up quite badly here, and B is willing to back her poor behaviour because she'll always pick her daughter over her cousin.

And she owes you a refund.

Gothambutnotahamster · 31/05/2023 01:14

I'd have been livid Op - you don't need to apologise at all & actually you're owed an apology.

Tophy124 · 31/05/2023 01:19

I’d pay for childcare from someone actually employed to do that job. As a previous poster said if you rely on family then expect more casual arrangements.

HoppingPavlova · 31/05/2023 01:20

A was a dick and I’d never have them babysit again. I think your focus on age is a bit off though. My DD babysat for whole days at 15yo while the kids parents were away at work and was capable and responsible and would never have contemplated acting like that.

porridgeisbae · 31/05/2023 01:20

Wow. I don't even like it when I've had people cat sit and they randomly decide to let someone else take over without telling me OP.

Let alone the road thing.

At least you know where you stand now and not to have her babysitting again. x

porridgeisbae · 31/05/2023 01:23

I agree with the PP that I don't think most 19 year olds would do this. Even if they party hard they know not to party at the exact same time someone has trusted them to do a job.

Mars27 · 31/05/2023 01:27

Thisisabsolutelyfine · 31/05/2023 01:05

I would be annoyed at the lack of communication, but this isn’t a nanny, it’s a relative, who took your children to another (trusted) relative. A family arrangement involving trusted adults, so I would expected things to be more casual. Sounds like she was trying not to stress you out but she made a bad call, partly because she’s 19.

The walking is fine, your kids are more than old enough for a 30 min walk near a road, the fact that they were a bit bored is fine, the fact that they had to play abit more quietly also fine.

Are you A's mum?

MCOut · 31/05/2023 01:34

A is irresponsible and B is far too indulgent. Nothing in your posts suggest that there was anything remotely unreasonable in your text. You have nothing to apologise for, in fact it’s a good life lesson to A so she takes her obligations more seriously in the future.

At absolute most, you might reassure B that you’re not questioning her ability to babysit, but you are upset about A’s poor decision making. That would be being very generous though. Really B should stay out of this and let A talk to you on her own

porridgeisbae · 31/05/2023 01:45

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